


you have to join the debate club (on that there's no debate)

by AnotherUsernameIllForget



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, I hate me too, I know, Origin Story, Yeah another one, even tho emma rly doesn't want to be there, its another slow burn im afraid, they meet at debate club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:02:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 51,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28600374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherUsernameIllForget/pseuds/AnotherUsernameIllForget
Summary: And, to top it all off, why of all the thousands of extracurriculars that James Madison ran, did it have to be the debate club that was the only one that had spaces?She hated public speaking, she hated arguing, and she hated the very idea of having to argue against something she was passionate about.Her plan was to go for a few sessions, tell her gran it wasn’t for her, and then never be involved in an extracurricular activity again. It was foolproof.orPrincipal Hawkins and Emma's gran think it'll be good for Emma to get involved with a new extracurricular, and she find herself joining debate club, something she's really not looking forward to, until she discovers who the debate captain is...
Relationships: Alyssa Greene & Emma Nolan, Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 165
Kudos: 168





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello pals, i'm back again. i really wanted to write another kind of origin story for emma and alyssa, because they're my favourite kind of fics to read! this came out of absolutely nowhere while i was procrastinating my essay, but i'm quite happy with it! 
> 
> i really hope you guys enjoy, and i'll try and get the next few chapters out before uni starts again and everything goes crazy.
> 
> big shoutout to sydnie (onethingsuniversal) for being my guinea pig with this and my most sincerest of apologies that i'm breaking the trend and not using a tswift lyric as the title ((but like, this one is from the show so i feel like it can be an exception))

Emma shuffled into the classroom, head down. 

She didn’t want to be there. In fact, there were a thousand places she’d rather be after school, including in her bed watching Netflix, helping her gran in the kitchen, or literally swimming in shark infested waters with an open wound. 

It hadn’t even been her idea, Principal Hawkins and her gran teaming up to decide that maybe joining an extracurricular activity would improve her social status a bit and help her make some more friends.

Yeah right.

And, to top it all off, _why_ of all the thousands of extracurriculars that James Madison ran, did it have to be the debate club that was the only one that had spaces? 

She hated public speaking, she hated arguing, and she hated the very idea of having to argue against something she was passionate about.

Her plan was to go for a few sessions, tell her gran it wasn’t for her, and then never be involved in an extracurricular activity again. It was foolproof.

She glanced up, the silence in the room suggesting that she seemed to be the first one there.

Frowning, she fished the piece of paper Principal Hawkins had given her earlier out of her pocket, double checking that she was in the right room, at the right time, on the right day.

He’d said that he’d tell the debate team captain that she’d be coming to the session today, and apparently they had been very excited to welcome her.

She predicted that they’d be somewhat less excited when they realised that their newest member was none other than Emma Nolan, social pariah and all round loser, who couldn’t even think about public speaking without her hands beginning to shake. 

She didn’t even know who the captain was, come to think of it.

God, she hoped it wasn’t some jerk like Nick or Kevin, but then again, she didn’t think they possessed enough brain cells between them to even formulate the beginnings of an argument, so hopefully she would be safe in that respect.

She chewed on her lip, considering what to do.

It was possible that maybe the meeting had been cancelled and Principal Hawkins just hadn’t been told.

That would be the very best-case scenario. 

Of course, it was more likely that the other club members had caught wind of the fact that it was her joining and had decided not to come, not wanting to spend more than 5 minutes in a room with the school’s resident lesbian.

She pulled out her phone, checking the time again. 

It was only 5 minutes after the final bell had rung, and she guessed that some people had to come from the other side of the school, or visit their lockers first.

She would wait a bit longer, even if everything in her was telling her to turn and run out of the door as fast as she could.

She drummed her fingers nervously against her leg, staring out the window in an attempt to calm herself down.

It was fine, it was all going to be fine.

She would wait 10 more seconds, she could manage that.

She would count to 10 and then if no one had appeared by then she would leave.

1, 2, 3-

Was that the sound of footsteps in the hallway? 

4, 5, 6-

Honestly, this was the worst idea she’d ever had, and she wasn’t sure why she’d agreed to go along with it 

7, 8, 9-

Okay, it really seemed like no one was coming, she could just leave.

10

Emma glanced around the classroom once more, staring at the door to make sure no one was coming in before deciding that it was time to leave. 

Head down, her standard position for walking the halls of James Madison, she started towards the door, hitching her backpack further up her shoulders.

She was so focused on the floor and the fact that she had to get out of the room as quickly as possible, that she didn’t notice the other pair of shoes moving rapidly towards her until-

‘Oof’

Emma stumbled backwards, eyes wide with shock as she tried to regain her balance, whoever she had crashed into reaching a hand out to steady her. 

‘S-sorry,’ she stammered, immediately looking back down at the floor, waiting for the first punch or barbed comment.

Her eyes flickered to the hand still on her arm, the heat from it feeling like it was burning a hole through her jacket. 

‘Are you okay?’ a female voice said, and Emma swallowed thickly. She recognised that voice.

‘It was probably my fault,’ the voice continued, ‘I wasn’t watching where I was going. Too caught up in my notes!’

It was then that Emma noticed the sheets of paper scattered across the floor, immediately bending down to start picking them up.

The other girl withdrew her hand from her arm sharply and bent too, scooping up the sheets that were closest to her.

‘Sorry,’ Emma mumbled again, ‘I didn’t mean to mess your stuff up.’

‘It’s fine,’ the other girl replied.

There was a pause before she continued.

‘You never answered my question though.’

Emma stopped, the stack of papers in her hand.

She took a deep breath, bracing herself before looking up.

Her heart seemed to simultaneously sink and skip.

She was met with a sight she hoped she wouldn’t see, the dread creeping in the moment she heard her voice, wishing with everything she had that she’d got it wrong.

Alyssa Greene was looking right at her, concern in her eyes and a soft smile on her lips. 

Emma tried not to get lost in it, in everything about Alyssa. Her soft curls, the deep brown of her eyes, the curve of her lips. The faint dimple present on her cheek.

She felt like she was suffocating.

She had a crush on Alyssa Greene. She’d had a crush on Alyssa Greene since the third grade.

It would be okay, it would be manageable, if it was a small crush, the kind where you doodled their name in a heart with yours, secretly staring at them across the classroom and imagining what it would be like if they liked you back. 

The kind of crush that takes complete hold of you for a few weeks before disappearing deep into the recesses of your mind, making you forget why you even liked the person in the first place. The kind of crush its easy to get over.

But no, of course that wasn’t how Emma felt about Alyssa Greene.

The kind of crush that Emma had on her was the gigantic, all-consuming kind, the one that makes you breathless if you even look in their direction. The kind that makes it hard for you to even look at them, being so consumed by the need and the want to be close to them, to talk to them, to mean anything to them, that it pushes you further away. 

The kind of crush that stays with you for years and years, dormant in the back of your mind until you see them again, and you find yourself falling, tumbling back into feeling so strongly about them. 

The kind of crush that borders on something more, bypassing the ‘interested’ or the ‘like’ phases and going straight to full blooded, star crossed love. 

Yes, Emma Nolan had that kind of crush on Alyssa Greene.

Alyssa Greene who was currently staring at her expectantly.

Alyssa Greene who had asked her a question that she was still yet to answer.

‘Uh, w-what question?’ Emma stammered, eyes looking anywhere but directly at Alyssa. 

‘Are you okay?’

Emma blinked, her brain grinding to a dangerous halt.

_Was_ she okay? Of course she wasn’t.

She’d just crashed into the girl she liked most in the world, who was now looking at her intensely, expecting an answer.

She felt antsy under Alyssa’s gaze, everything in her mind screaming at her that she needed to end the conversation as soon as possible and get out of there, before anything bad or embarrassing could happen.

Or before she had to look at Alyssa for too long. She knew that once she looked, it was game over.

‘Oh, y-yeah fine,’ she managed, swallowing thickly and thrusting the papers towards the other girl.

‘I uh, I was just leaving actually so-‘ she continued, the fact that she kind of actually had to be at the debate club meeting the last thing on her mind.

Everything had left her mind the minute she’d seen Alyssa.

Her statement was met with silence. She took another grounding breath and glanced up again, seeing a look of confusion painted into Alyssa’s face.

‘Wait, are you the new student Principal Hawkins said would be joining us today?’

Shit.

She should lie. She should really just lie and say no and then get out of there as fast as she could.

But when facing those earnest brown eyes, that seemed somehow to look straight through her, lying was suddenly the last thing on her mind.

‘Uh, y-yeah?’ she replied uncertainly, heart leaping as a slow smile spread across Alyssa’s face.

The other girl stood up from her position on the floor, offering a hand to Emma.

She eyed it warily. 

What if something happened when she took it? What if somehow, through like some kind of telepathic connection, the minute she made contact with Alyssa, the other girl would know she had a crush on her? What if she felt some spark of connection that made her jump, or her cheeks flush, or her mouth drop open, and what if Alyssa saw and thought she was weird?

Suddenly, and thankfully, the more rational part of her brain kicked in.

What if she just took Alyssa’s hand and she helped her up?

She reached out tentatively, bracing for something, anything to happen as soon as they made contact. Some spark or explosion or confetti canon that signalled that two soulmates had made a connection and were forever bound together.

Something to explain why Emma felt so strongly, so deeply about Alyssa Greene.

But there was nothing. No fireworks, or confetti, or explosions, just the soft skin of Alyssa’s hand, warm under her touch, pulling her gently from the ground with a surprising amount of strength.

The move put her in Alyssa’s personal space, much closer than she’d ever been before. A space that, in other circumstances, she would love to inhabit, to explore, to cherish.

But not right here, right now, in an empty classroom past final bell, right before an extracurricular she didn’t want to take part in.

She took a few steps back, putting space between herself and the other girl, and it immediately became easier to breath, as though the very atmosphere around Alyssa was lacking in oxygen.

Alyssa was still smiling at her.

‘You’re Emma, right?’ she asked, the fact that she seemed to know her name taking Emma by surprise.

All she could do was nod dumbly, the fact that Alyssa Greene knew who she was making her heart drop and sing at the same time.

Alyssa’s smile widened, and Emma stared straight over her shoulder, trying desperately not to let her gaze be drawn by the dimple prominent in Alyssa’s cheek. 

If one thing was going to be her downfall, it was that dimple.

‘Great!’ the other girl said, ‘Well, I’m the captain of our team, so on behalf of the whole debate club, I’d like to welcome you to the club. We usually have a trial session for new members where we look at what your strengths will be and then we can see how you would best slot into the team. So today we’ll go through a few...’

Alyssa sounded like she was reading from the world’s most boring script, but somehow Emma still found herself hanging off every word, the girls voice dancing around her ears.

‘Oh,’ Alyssa said once she’d finished her speech, eyes going wide, ‘I’m Alyssa by the way.’

She stuck out her hand and Emma took it gently, goosebumps running up her arm as Alyssa tightened her grip into a firm handshake.

‘Yeah, I uh, I know who you are.’ Emma mumbled, shuffling her feet awkwardly as she retrieved her hand from Alyssa’s grip.

‘You do?’ the other girl asked, confusion in her voice.

‘Yeah,’ replied Emma, ‘everyone knows Alyssa Greene.’

She didn’t really know why she’d said it, she really should’ve just listened to Alyssa introduce herself, nod politely and then move on.

Now she’d made herself look even weirder, like she somehow knew everything about Alyssa and who she was.

Which she kind of did. 

She wished she didn’t.

Emma caught the smile on Alyssa’s face faltering out of the corner of her eye, eyes still trained somewhere behind her shoulder.

She began to panic. She hadn’t meant to upset the girl.

‘S-sorry,’ she stammered, ‘I didn’t mean- you just, you’re in some of my classes and you’re on the student council and everything so...’

She trailed off, not really sure where she was going with her excuse. 

Her eyes snapped back to Alyssa, watching a strange smile form on her face. It wasn’t a forced smile, but it struck Emma that it wasn’t a particularly happy smile either. 

‘No, it’s okay,’ Alyssa said, lips smiling but eyes telling a different story, ‘I guess I do spin a lot of plates.’

That was the understatement of the century, and Emma knew that Alyssa knew it.

Alyssa Greene was involved in as much as was humanly possible around the school.

She was on the student council, she was vice-captain of the cheer squad, she tutored freshman during lunch and after school, and she was in line to be valedictorian, topping basically every class she was in.

Emma didn’t understand how she managed to do it all without collapsing.

From the look in Alyssa’s eyes, neither did she.

The two stared at each other for a second, before Emma remembered her strict no looking policy and stared down at her shoes.

There was an awkward pause before Alyssa spoke again.

‘So, uh, would you be able to help me move a few of these desks around before everyone else gets here?’ 

Emma nodded slowly, not looking up but slinging her bag onto an empty chair to free up her hands.

She watched as Alyssa carefully placed her notes onto one of the desks, shrugging off her own bag and motioning towards the desk at the front of the room that she wanted to move first.

They worked in silence, Emma sensing that Alyssa desperately wanted to break it and dispel the awkwardness, but was clearly unsure of what to say. 

If she was honest, Emma was surprised the other girl wanted to speak to her at all.

But that was the thing about Alyssa Greene. She was always kind.

Sure, she hung round with the cheerleaders and footballers, the ones who wouldn’t hesitate to slam Emma into a locker or yell some new and creative slur at her across the hall, but she was always kind.

She was always there, trying to pull Nick away as he towered over Emma, fist raised, always there with a completely straight face whenever Shelby made some comment about Emma’s clothes or Emma’s glasses or Emma’s general personality that made everyone else around them burst into laughter, the sound of it cutting through Emma’s skin like thousands of tiny shards of glass.

Alyssa never laughed, Alyssa never joined in. Alyssa always tried to offer her a smile afterwards, which was almost never reciprocated by Emma.

‘So,’ Alyssa’s tentative voice broke Emma out of her thoughts, ‘why did you want to join debate?’

Emma sighed, knowing full well that her answer was not going to be one that Alyssa wanted to hear.

‘Honestly,’ she began, ‘Principal Hawkins and my gran thought that doing an extracurricular would help me improve, um, socially so, I guess I was kinda forced into picking one.’

She paused, not daring to look up and see Alyssa’s reaction. 

The other girl was silent, and Emma took it as an invitation to continue.

‘I uh, I was really set on cheer y’know,’ she deadpanned, ‘but unfortunately there were no spots left.’

She looked up at this, the side of her mouth turning up into a small smirk.

Alyssa furrowed her brow, evidently not understanding the joke.

‘You wanted to do cheer?’ she asked.

Emma looked at her for a second before motioning down at herself, at her flannel, faded jeans, and worn converse.

‘What do you think?’ she replied, a bigger smile spreading across her face.

And then, something happened that took Emma by complete surprise. Alyssa laughed. 

Alyssa laughed and Emma felt her heart surge in her chest and butterflies appear in her stomach.

She’d never heard Alyssa laugh before but honestly, she realised in that moment she would do anything to hear that sound again, her fingers tingling and all of her hairs standing on end.

She found herself laughing too, and she caught herself thinking that maybe she could stick out debate club for a few more weeks, if only to spend more time with Alyssa Greene.

* * *

This could not be happening.

Like, it really, really couldn’t be happening. She really needed it to not be happening.

She really needed it to be literally anyone but Emma Nolan joining the debate club.

She couldn’t have any distractions, not if she expected to win the championships, and Emma Nolan was a huge, flashing lights, loud noises, kind of distraction.

And it made her mad, it drove her absolutely crazy, because she didn’t know why.

And Alyssa Greene hated not knowing why.

She put it down to the fact that she wanted them to be friends.

She’d had this strange, overwhelming need to be friends with Emma Nolan ever since freshman year of high school, like if her and Emma were friends somehow everything in her life would be great.

She thought they’d be great friends. Emma got good grades, Emma seemed to be motivated, she seemed to have a good sense of humour. She didn’t know if they shared any common interests, but she supposed that sometimes friendships worked just as well with people who were polar opposites.

She’d really meant to be friends with her, to try and make the effort as soon as they started high school.

She’d spent nights lying in bed, imagining sleepovers and study sessions and day trips to the mall with Emma, what kind of things they’d talk about, where they would go, what kind of things Emma would like to do. 

But then the bullying started, and the rumours, and the general dislike of the other girl, whispers about how she was a lesbian and how her parents were thinking of kicking her out echoing around the halls. 

And Alyssa couldn’t do it. She couldn’t make friends with someone so outcast, so distant from the rest of the high school population.

She wanted to, she really did, she just didn’t know how. She didn’t know how she could be friends with Emma without becoming a target too.

Plus, with her mother breathing down her neck seemingly every second of the day, even if she could’ve been friends with the other girl, it wouldn’t have been long before her mom found out and she was banned from ever going near her again.

Her mom would never let her associate with a homosexual.

As she’d grown older, and watched Emma endure insults, pranks and physical violence day in and day out, an enormous guilt had weighed heavy on her, always there at the back of her mind, telling her that if she hadn’t been so scared, they could’ve been friends by now, and Alyssa could’ve helped her.

She didn’t know how, she just knew she could’ve.

So she started trying to help in any way she could. She pulled Nick and Kevin back whenever she saw them about to strike, and chastised Kaylee and Shelby after they made some cruel remark that she was expected to laugh at.

She knew that by then she’d developed enough of a reputation as ‘Saint Alyssa Greene’ so as not to draw suspicion onto her, so as not to be thrown in with Emma as her classmates’ next target. 

But it didn’t stop her from feeling endlessly awful about how she couldn’t do more, and how, despite this desperate need to be friends with the other girl, she just couldn’t make herself reach out to her. 

But now Emma had joined the debate club. Now Alyssa had a reason to talk to Emma that even her mother couldn’t protest against. 

And honestly, it terrified her.

She’d spent so long thinking of what to say, practise conversations in the shower lasting until her mom had banged on the door and asked if she was okay, but when faced with the girl herself, she had frozen up.

Part of her hoped that Emma would just quit the club. She had admitted that she didn’t want to be there, and it would make Alyssa’s life a whole lot easier if she did.

She’d spent the whole rest of the debate meeting after speaking to Emma trying not to stare at her, trying not to work out what was going on behind those hazel eyes of hers that always seemed to be looking anywhere but at Alyssa. 

It really was a distraction she couldn’t afford.

But at the same time, this could finally be the way in to the friendship she so craved with the other girl, a neutral environment where they could just talk without thousands of other pairs of eyes on them.

And Emma, surprisingly, had been quite good at all the exercises Alyssa had thrown at her.

While Alyssa recognised she may not be the best public speaker, not missing the way her hands had begun to shake the minute she was asked to share her thoughts with the group, her mind, and the way she thought had fascinated her, the other girl offering opinions and counterpoints to her mock examples that none of the other club members had considered.

Alyssa wished she could climb inside the other girl’s brain, just to understand how she thought, how she saw the world.

What she thought of Alyssa-

She was pulled from her thoughts as her mother bustled into the kitchen, briefcase in hand.

She spotted the exact moment her mom clocked the cup of coffee on the table in front of her and waited for the inevitable.

‘How much sugar is in that, darling?’ her mother asked, swiftly moving to the coffee machine to begin to make herself one.

_Hello to you too_ , Alyssa thought, rolling her eyes quickly while her mom’s back was turned.

‘Just one mom,’ she sighed, ‘and it’s sweetener not sugar.’

‘Okay,’ Mrs Greene continued, back still to Alyssa, ‘you really need to cut down on your caffeine intake though, it’s really not good for a girl your age.’

Alyssa just stared at her mom’s back.

Maybe if she hadn’t had to stay up till 2am the night before finishing her notes for her AP classes that her mom had made her take, and maybe if she hadn’t had to get up at 6am that morning to go on a run, and maybe if she’d had some time at lunch to just sit and relax instead of having to roam the halls looking for the freshman she was supposed to be tutoring who hadn’t turned up, she wouldn’t need caffeine. 

Maybe if her mom didn’t expect her to do a thousand things at once, day in day out, year after year, she wouldn’t need caffeine in order to make it through.

‘Sorry mom,’ she replied eventually, choosing to concede instead of arguing back. That never ended well for her, ‘I’m just quite tired today.’

‘Okay honey,’ her mom replied, turning round now with her own steaming cup of coffee, the irony of which was not lost on Alyssa. ‘Just make sure it doesn’t become a crutch. You need to be able to be productive without drinking coffee all the time.’

Alyssa wanted to scream. 

Why could she not have a normal mom, one that was more focused on her daughter’s wellbeing rather than her grades or how many extracurriculars would look good on her college applications.

A mom who saw the badly concealed dark circles under her daughter’s eyes and told her to slow down, rather than speed up.

She only managed about half of a response before her mom was jumping in with more questions.

‘How was debate?’ 

‘Yeah, good’ Alyssa said nonchalantly, eyes firmly fixed on her coffee cup, ‘We had a new member join.’

‘Oh?’ responded Mrs Greene, ‘Who is it? Would I know them?’

Alyssa swallowed nervously, pondering how best to answer the question.

_Yes, actually mom, you do know them. It’s Emma Nolan, y’know that lesbian kid who got kicked out by her parents? The one that you hate with a passion._

She couldn’t see that ending well.

‘No,’ she said instead, forcing her eyes up to lock with her mother’s so she couldn’t be accused of lying, ‘I don’t think you do.’

She braced herself, waiting for the thousand more questions that were about to come so that Mrs Greene could play an elaborate game of guess who with everyone who lived in Edgewater. 

Her mom knew literally everyone in the town, so she wasn’t sure why she’d thought lying would be a good idea.

Surprisingly, though, her mom didn’t push any further.

‘Do they have debate experience?’ she asked instead, ‘You know the championships are coming up and you need the strongest team possible to back you up.’

‘Uh, no, not really,’ Alyssa replied, dreading her mother’s response, ‘but we did some practise exercises today and they seem to be very intelligent, very on the ball. They came up with some great points that no one else thought of, so I think the way they think will be a real asset to the team. I’d really like to get to know them better, pick their brains, see how their mind works.’

Alyssa knew she was perhaps overselling Emma, but she desperately needed her mom to approve, even if she didn’t know that it was Emma she was approving of.

Well, if she knew it was Emma, she wouldn’t be approving of it at all. 

Alyssa watched as a slow smile spread across her mom’s face, breathing a sigh of relief that she seemed to have been convinced by Alyssa’s description.

‘I see,’ Mrs Greene said, her smile growing in a way that made Alyssa feel uneasy, ‘This new member wouldn’t happen to be a boy would it.’

Alyssa frowned. What did that have to do with anything?

‘Uh, why is-‘

‘I know I said no dating until senior year,’ cut in Mrs Greene, clearly not finished with what she was saying, ‘but I guess we could make an exception if he’s as driven and intelligent as you describe. Good chemistry could be a great asset to the team.’

Alyssa’s eyes widened as she realised what her mom was suggesting. Had she really described Emma so well that her mom had thought she had a crush on her?

Well, a crush on him, according to Mrs Greene.

She didn’t mean it to come across like that, she just admired the way Emma had thought and was trying to endear her to her mother. She would speak about all her friends like that.

It was just the fact that Mrs Greene had assumed it was a boy that led her to think Alyssa had a crush. If she had outright said that the new team member was a girl, that wouldn’t have happened.

Because she couldn’t have a crush on a girl. She didn’t have a crush on a girl. 

She just admired Emma, she just wanted to be her friend. There was absolutely nothing else there, mainly because she wasn’t gay. 

She wasn’t gay and so all this intensity she felt about Emma could only ever be friendship. There was nothing else it could be.

‘No, uh, it’s not-‘ she stuttered out, her cheeks flushing, but this only seemingly served to further confirm her ‘crush’ to her mother, and Alyssa could feel the pride and excitement radiating off the other woman at the first boy that Alyssa had ever shown any serious interest in.

Apart from it wasn’t a boy. And she wasn’t interested in Emma that way. She couldn’t be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Emma attends another debate club meeting and Alyssa makes a proposition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello pals, I'm back! Sorry for the lil delay, I know I'm usually quicker at updating, but uni is just starting up again so I've been pretty snowed under!! 
> 
> Anyways, here's the next chapter for you!! The third chapter is half written rn so hopefully shouldn't be too long before I can get that one out to you too!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> TW for panic attacks and some bad language

Alyssa took her notes out of her bag, flicking through the colour coded pages until she found the ones she needed for debate. 

She liked the colour coding. It made everything more orderly, more manageable.

She may have been doing a thousand different activities every day, but at least if they were colour coded, she could convince herself that she had everything handled, that everything was under control.

She glanced up, sending a small smile towards the debate club members currently filtering into the classroom.

There was still no sign of Emma yet. Not that she was waiting for her or anything.

She tried to not to be disappointed. It was fine, Emma had said that she didn’t really even want to be at debate club, so why would she come back to something she didn’t want to do.

Besides, debate was not the best place for making friends, despite the school trying to push the whole ‘teamwork’ and ‘collaboration with your peers’ parts of it.

She didn’t particularly have any friends from debate, apart from maybe Carrie who she’d shared a room with on their last competition trip, and even then, she only really knew her to smile politely at in the corridors, or occasionally work with on a project for the classes they shared.

It wasn’t that the people in debate weren’t her kind of people, it was more that, if she was being honest, Alyssa didn’t really know who her kind of people were.

She hung round with the cheerleaders and football players usually, Kaylee and Shelby never too far away, but she’d never really felt like she belonged there.

She wasn’t bothered with boy talk and crushes and who was dating who, and she could definitely live without the crude jokes the football players made, either about their own girlfriends, or, when they were feeling particularly cruel, the less popular kids.

Kids like Emma.

Emma who walked the halls alone, head down, never stopping to talk to anyone, wave at anyone, even smile in someone else’s direction.

Emma who seemed to always be on her own, isolated from the sea of students surrounding her in the corridor, swarming like ants but always leaving a buffer zone, as if she had some infectious disease that they’d catch if they got too close.

Emma who seemed more alone than anyone Alyssa had ever come across. Alone in a way that Alyssa thought she understood.

Yes, while Alyssa was always surrounded by a revolving group of the most popular kids, a never-ending cycle of cheerleaders and jocks, she knew what it was like to be alone.

She snapped herself out of her thoughts, glancing at the clock and realising that they should probably get started.

Emma was still not there.

While debate club, like most other extracurriculars, was supposed to be a teacher led activity, a teacher was rarely ever present.

Mr Andrews, the debate supervisor, had recognised Alyssa’s, as he put it, ‘leadership potential’ in the first few weeks after she’d joined, and decided that as captain, she could be left to run the sessions herself because she ‘seemed so capable’.

Alyssa wasn’t stupid. She knew what he actually meant was that he wanted to go home early and simply couldn’t be bothered to turn up if he didn’t have to.

At least the fact she had been given so much responsibility had appeased her mother.

She cleared her throat, about to open her mouth to start speaking when Emma stumbled through the door.

Alyssa felt an odd sort of calm pass over her as soon as she saw the other girl, as though she’d been on edge all day just waiting to see her. 

The sight of Emma made her feel light, it made her excited. She was determined that today was going to be the day they became friends.

She so desperately wanted to be Emma’s friend.

Her heart, which had begun to beat more rapidly as the other girl entered the room, sank as she took in the sight in front of her.

Emma was there, looking mostly put together, aside from the fact that her hair was soaking and what looked suspiciously like milk was now drying on the front of her sweater, an ugly stain beginning to form.

All eyes in the room turned to look at her, and Alyssa heard a few sniggers from the other students, Emma seeming to retreat back into herself as soon as they hit her ears.

She caught Alyssa’s eye, an uncertainty shining in the hazel that told Alyssa she was probably weighing up whether she should just bolt now and cut her losses, or stay and try and get through the rest of the session.

Her mouth opened and closed slowly, as though she was working up the courage to speak.

‘S-sorry I’m late,’ she managed, head snapping to her shoes as they scuffed the tiled floor nervously, ‘I- I was, uh...’

She trailed off as the laughter started again, this time louder. 

Alyssa wanted to tell them all to shut up. She wanted to get the look of pain and embarrassment out of Emma’s eyes. 

‘Are- are you okay?’ she asked instead, the focus of the room now shifting back to her. 

Usually, she would’ve hated that, but it pulled the focus off Emma for a moment, allowing the other girl to collect herself. 

‘Uh, yeah,’ Emma replied, the rest of the debate club’s heads bouncing back and forth between Emma and Alyssa like they were at some championship tennis match.

Alyssa saw her swallow nervously, her throat bobbing in a way that drew Alyssa’s eyes.

‘I just- I wasn’t looking where I was uh, where I was going and then I- I just walked into Kevin while he was trying to throw some milk in the trash.’

A silence descended over the room.

It was an obvious lie, and everyone knew it.

Alyssa wished she would just tell the truth, tell her what had actually happened, stoking the fire that was already raging in her chest at the thought of Kevin ‘accidentally’ spilling milk all over the other girl.

But, while she didn’t know Emma that well, she suspected that she wasn’t that kind of person, she wasn’t the one to ever admit to the true extent of the bullying she faced every day. 

Alyssa didn’t know whether it was brave or just plain stupid. 

‘Uh,’ she said, unsure how to respond, ‘do you wanna come and sit down and we can make a start or, um, you could go get cleaned up?’

She didn’t really know how to help Emma. She wished she did.

‘N-no, it’s uh, it’s fine,’ replied Emma, taking another shaky step into the room, ‘I’ll just- I’ll just wait till I get home.’

She walked quickly across the room, occupying one of the empty desks. Alyssa didn’t miss the way the rest of the students subtly moved their chairs away, the scraping of the legs on the floor cutting right through her.

If Emma noticed, she didn’t react.

‘Uh, right, okay,’ she said, bringing the focus back to herself at the front of the room, shuffling her notes uncomfortably under the gaze of her fellow debate members, ‘so today we’re just gonna do some basic debate practise, focusing on working on thinking of strong arguments in a short space of time.'

She glanced up, looking for any signs of boredom from the other students, but found none.

Her eyes found Emma without meaning to, but the other girl seemed to be far more interested in the desk in front of her, her fingers gently tracing whatever symbols had been carved into it by some bored student.

‘So, we’re gonna split into 2 teams and you’ll have 5 minutes to come up with a basic opening statement. When both teams have presented, you’ll have another 5 minutes to come up with 3 different rebuttals that you could use against the other team.’ 

The other students nodded, seemingly used to the way that these practises worked.

She watched as they began to shuffle themselves into 2 teams, different people switching to different sides of the room based on who they worked best with.

Emma stayed frozen in the middle, looking around anxiously as though unsure of what to do.

Alyssa felt her heart ache for the girl, wanting nothing more than to go over and wrap her up in a hug, hold her tight and tell her that everything was fine and that she could leave if she wanted to.

Emma Nolan looked like she could really use a hug.

The shuffling soon stopped and Emma still remained in the middle, adrift from the rest of her peers just as she always seemed to be in the school halls.

‘Uh, Emma, do you wanna join Carrie’s team?’ Alyssa asked, Emma’s eyes reflecting a look that told her that was the absolute last thing the other girl wanted to do.

Still, she slowly stood from her seat, shuffling over to the right side of the room, all of Carrie’s team members eyeing her warily, as if she might be about to explode or something equally as dangerous.

‘Okay,’ Alyssa continued once Emma was settled uncomfortably at Carrie’s side, ‘so we’re gonna start off pretty simple with a classic debate topic, but I’m hoping this means you guys will try and come up with more inventive points, I don’t want to hear anything too generic.’

There were some nods from the debate club members, some with pens poised to begin taking notes. 

Emma looked completely lost amongst them.

‘Okay, so the topic for today is “should the death penalty be abolished?”’

There were a few murmurs from around the room. 

Alyssa knew it was one of the most standard debate questions she could’ve picked, but she wanted to ease Emma in gently. 

‘Carrie’s team you’ll take the affirmative and Kyle’s team you’ll argue against, okay? You have 5 minutes!’

Alyssa watched as pens rapidly hit paper, the scrawl of seasoned debaters seeming to appear faster than was humanly possible. 

The room was a buzz of activity and arguments, but she couldn’t help how her eyes were drawn to Emma through the commotion.

It looked like the other girl was trying to contribute, but was largely getting frozen out by other members of her team, their backs to her as they all crowded round the piece of paper that Carrie was currently writing on. 

Alyssa regretted not taking part herself. She could’ve headed a team and chosen Emma and included her. Why hadn’t she? 

Soon, the 5 minutes had ended and both teams chose one member to give their opening statement.

While the statements were given, another team member feverishly scribbled more notes. 

Alyssa watched as Emma eyed the paper warily, squinting her eyes as though trying to read it from the outside of the team huddle.

After both teams had been given time to prepare their rebuttals, Alyssa cleared her throat and motioned for them to quieten down.

‘Okay,’ she said, turning to Carrie’s team, ‘who will be giving the rebuttals for you Carrie?’

Carrie looked at her with a strange glint in her eye and suddenly Alyssa realised what was about to happen, just before it did.

‘I choose Emma.’ she said, a smirk making its way across her face that Alyssa felt the urge to smack off. 

Emma looked like a deer in the headlights, staring at Carrie as though she hadn’t heard her correctly.

‘M-me?’ she asked, fiddling anxiously with the frames of her glasses. 

Alyssa felt her heart sink for the other girl.

‘I-I don’t,’ stuttered Emma, clearly beginning to panic, ‘you- I couldn’t see the notes- you didn’t-‘

She cut herself off, and Alyssa watched as her chest began to rise and fall rapidly, the tell-tale signs of rising panic.

Alyssa began to feel panicked too. 

What could she do? How could she help her? How could she get Emma to calm down? 

Another member of her team shoved Emma to her feet, the girl stumbling forwards until her legs knocked into the desk in front of her. She stared down at her shoes. Alyssa noticed that her hands were shaking.

‘I uh-‘ Emma began, the fact that she was struggling to breathe now very evident, ‘I don’t, I-‘

And with that, she turned and ran from the room, the peals of laughter of her fellow teammates chasing her out of the door.

* * *

Fuck, she was so stupid.

Why had she even gone back? Why had she let Alyssa Greene with her stupid, perfect curls and her stupid, earnest, brown eyes and her stupid dimple on her stupid cheek convince her to come back? 

She should’ve taken the milk incident as a sign. A sign from whatever god there was to get the fuck out of this school and never come back.

Because now she was sat in some unknown corridor of said school, covered in slowly drying milk, having a full-blown panic attack.

It was okay, it was all good. 

Head down, knees to chest, count your breaths.

In for 5, out for 5. In for 5, out for 5.

Name 3 things she could feel- the cold, tiled floor beneath her, the soft material of her sweater pulled over her hand, the plastic of her glasses pressed into the bridge of her nose.

Name 3 things she could hear- the distant humming of the janitor, a whistle from some sports practise outside, footsteps rapidly coming down the corridor towards her.

Footsteps that stopped abruptly once they’d reached where she was sitting, collapsed with her back against a row of lockers.

‘Are you okay?’ a voice said, and it was one Emma immediately recognised, a voice she kept somehow running into.

Why did Alyssa Greene always just seem to be _there_ at the moment.

She felt her heart rate increase at the sound of her voice, but it also seemed to calm her, take her away to that place in her head where Alyssa resided, the place she tried not to go too often, but the place that brought her the most peace.

Even so, she couldn’t bring herself to respond.

At her silence, Alyssa continued.

‘Can I- can I touch you? You, uh, you don’t have say anything, just like, nod or shake your head or something.’

Emma breathed deeply again, nodding her head slightly before she had a chance to stop herself.

She felt a tentative hand on her shoulder, sensing Alyssa crouching down beside her. 

It grounded her, anchoring her to the linoleum hallway and stopping her from feeling like she was about to float away at any moment.

‘You’re okay,’ Alyssa said, ‘you’re in school, you’re with me, you’re okay.’

The words brought tears to Emma’s eyes, and she sniffed quietly, trying desperately to keep them at bay.

The hand on her shoulder left momentarily, Emma immediately missing the warmth, before she was suddenly being enveloped in a tight hug, wiry but strong arms wrapping round her shoulders.

‘Breathe with me,’ she heard Alyssa say, feeling the rise and fall of her chest against her side.

In any other scenario, being in this situation, this close to Alyssa, would’ve made her panic more, send her into overdrive.

But instead, she found the sure and rhythmic rise and fall of Alyssa’s chest soothing, a reminder that she was okay, she was present, she could breathe again. 

She tried to match the breathing, her hand coming up to clutch weakly at one of Alyssa’s arms as she buried her head further into her knees. 

She tried to tune out everything that wasn’t the other girl. Everything that wasn’t the way her curls were gently ticking her arm, the faint smell of her perfume that was drifting over her in waves, the way she could hear her steady breaths in her ear.

Later on, she would be embarrassed about this, sat on the floor, crying and hanging onto one of the most popular girls in school for dear life, no doubt soaking her perfectly laundered sweater with tears and old milk. 

But as of that moment, she let herself relax, breathe with Alyssa, slip away from reality and calm her fluttering heart.

She wasn’t sure how long they sat together, backs to the lockers, but before long Emma’s chest began to untighten, and she managed to get her breathing back under control.

Alyssa seemed to sense this, releasing her grip and pulling back slightly, giving Emma the room she needed. 

Emma lifted her head tentatively, eyes blinking against the bright lights of the hallway after being screwed shut in the darkness of her knees for god knows how long.

When everything came back into focus, she glanced at Alyssa, the other girl’s eyes roaming her face worriedly.

She tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it felt like it came out as more of a grimace.

‘I’m sorry,’ Alyssa whispered suddenly, and Emma furrowed her brow.

‘Why?’ she asked, her voice croaky from the exertion of breathing heavily.

Alyssa sighed, ‘I shouldn’t have- I should have known they would do that to you. I- I should’ve stopped them. I’m sorry.’

Emma blinked at her. 

‘Not your fault,’ she murmured, picking at a loose thread on her jeans. 

‘I guess, I just-‘ Alyssa cut herself off, and Emma glanced up, seeing a conflicted look swimming in the other girls eyes. 

‘I don’t- I…, are you okay?’ she settled on asking, worry painting itself across her face. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know what the best thing to do for you would be, so I just figured that maybe what helped me would help you, but now I’m not so sure and I don’t want you to think I was being weird or anything I just-‘

‘I- it’s okay,’ Emma cut in, Alyssa’s rambling making a soft blush form on her cheeks. It was stupid, but the heat made it feel like the life was slowly coming back into her.

She watched as the same blush was mirrored on Alyssa’s face, the other girl biting her lip and looking down at the floor shyly.

‘Th-thank you,’ said Emma, and Alyssa smiled softly at her. 

There was a beat of silence where they just stared at each other, Emma unable to look away from the girl in front of her, still seemingly grounding her with only a look.

Emma cleared her throat.

‘Do you- do you have panic attacks a lot?’ she asked timidly, not wanting to push Alyssa too far.

She didn’t particularly know why she’d asked it, but she suddenly desperately needed something to link her to the other girl, to prove that this pull that she always felt was born of something, even if it was just a shared sense of anxiety, the overwhelming pressure of the outside world.

Alyssa just stared at her for a second, clearly weighing up whether to share with her.

‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have-‘

‘Uh, not like, regularly,’ Alyssa said, fingers absentmindedly picking at the sole of her shoe, ‘mainly when I’ve got a lot going on, which I guess is kinda most times, and everything just gets a bit much. Feels like- like I’m drowning y’know.’

Emma nodded sadly. She knew that feeling all too well.

‘And-and who holds you?’ she asked softly.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘You said that what you did for me usually helps you so, who holds you?’

Alyssa shifted uncomfortably.

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘uh, no one. I just- myself I guess. I wrap my arms round myself as tight as I can and- and it helps me feel better.’ 

There was a beat before Emma spoke again.

‘I’m sorry,’

Alyssa looked up at her with sad eyes, ‘Not your fault.’

Another silence descended over them, this one more comfortable, as Alyssa turned to slump against the lockers too, shoulder gently touching Emma’s.

Emma immediately felt strange at the contact, like the panic and exhaustion was finally leaving her body, and she was suddenly realising that she was sat in a school hallway, shoulder to shoulder with Alyssa Greene.

A buzzing started in her chest and her cheeks began to feel warm, the spot on her shoulder that was still touching Alyssa suddenly the only thing she could focus on, some ultra strong magnetic feeling now trapping her there the moment they had touched. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to pull away, even if she tried.

Her mind was racing at a thousand miles per hour, thoughts colliding and her heart rate rising. She hoped she wasn’t thinking too loudly.

_Say something, Emma._

Say something, anything to break the deafening silence that was currently being filled with her thoughts, all clamouring to leave her brain and free themselves to bounce around the hallway. 

She cleared her throat.

‘Well, I guess I was right,’ she said, ‘debate really isn’t for me, huh?’

Alyssa turned to face her, her lips curving upwards slightly into a smile that made Emma’s head spin.

This was the second time over the past few days that Emma had found herself in Alyssa’s proximity, closer than she’d ever been before, and it was making all of her internal organs turn to jelly.

‘You want me to see about you getting a spot on the cheer team?’ she asked playfully, and Emma rolled her eyes, a smile of her own tugging at her lips.

She liked this more playful side of Alyssa.

‘Actually though,’ Alyssa continued a look in her eyes that Emma couldn’t quite place, ‘I actually uh, I don’t think you’re bad- um, at debate.’

Emma frowned at her, ‘Did you miss the part where my hands started shaking uncontrollably and I ran out of the room?’

Alyssa chuckled, bumping their shoulders together. Emma felt her face turn a deep scarlet.

‘I- I just meant like, uh,’ something in Alyssa’s face shifted, and she suddenly seemed nervous, ‘like, I- I’ve never seen someone think the way you did in the first session last week. You- you were coming up with points that I’ve never heard at debate competitions or in practises and- and honestly, I was thinking that you, well you would probably actually go quite far on the team.’

Emma’s eyes widened in shock. 

Alyssa Greene had noticed her? Alyssa Greene thought that she would be good on the debate team? Alyssa Greene was taking the time to tell her, even though she’d just witnessed her literally running away and then breaking down in the hallway?

‘I-‘ she began, completely unsure of what to say.

‘I just think,’ cut in Alyssa, ‘I just- I think you have a brilliant mind, and- and I guess I’d like to explore what more it can do.’

The other girl looked embarrassed, as though she’d said too much, though Emma was still in too much of a state of shock to really register it.

‘But, I- I can’t do it,’ said Emma, shaking her head, ‘I can’t do public speaking, I can’t deal with them all laughing at me and forcing me into situations designed to humiliate me.’

She watched Alyssa swallow thickly.

‘Well,’ the other girl said, shifting round so that her whole body was facing Emma, ‘I was- I was maybe thinking that we could work together on it? I mean, uh, I could kinda help you out a bit, with the debate stuff I mean, and then like, just look out for you in the meetings as well? I- you could always be on my team or whatever, if- if you’d want to?’

The nervousness was radiating off Alyssa, the energy making Emma feel jittery as well. She couldn’t cope with Alyssa being so nice. 

‘I-I couldn’t ask you to do that,’ she replied, ‘I know you already have a million things that you do, I wouldn’t want to-‘

‘Iwantto-‘ Alyssa cut in, her words stringing together at the sheer force at which she forced them out of her mouth. She took a deep breath, her cheeks flushing.

‘Sorry,’ she said sheepishly, ‘I meant, I- I want to help you, if- if you’ll let me. I-if you’d be interested in carrying on with debate.’

Emma shook her head in disbelief, ‘Why?’

Alyssa smiled at her softly, a warm feeling blooming in Emma’s chest.

‘Because I think you- well um, I-I think _it_ will be worth it.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!!! As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated, I always love to hear what you guys think of it so far!!
> 
> Like I said up top, hopefully it shouldn't be too long to wait for the next chapter, so I'll be seeing you guys sooner rather than later.
> 
> Stay safe pals!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet everyone's favourite band closet and Alyssa extends an invitation to Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals, back again. A thousand more apologies for how long this is taking me, I have no idea whats going on lol. I have it all planned out in my head, its just taking a while to get out of my head in a way that makes coherent sense.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you don't mind the minor delays and enjoy this chapter anyway, its a little longer than the others have been for some reason, so I'll blame that for why it took so long!
> 
> Enjoy! ((also shoutout as always to sydnie (onethingsuniversal) for always listening v patiently to all of my dumb ideas))
> 
> TW for homophobia and some bad language

Emma watched Alyssa check her phone from where she was skulking in a classroom doorway. 

She wasn’t hiding from the other girl, per se, she just wanted to check that she was definitely alone, and definitely not about to enact some cruel prank on her or something.

Not that she thought Alyssa was capable of that. It was just that she was about to welcome the other girl into her safe space, the one place in school that none of her bullies knew existed, where no one else could ever find her.

And she wanted to make sure that it would stay a safe space.

She watched as Alyssa pulled out her phone again, frowning down at it before her thumbs began moving rapidly across the screen.

In her pocket, Emma felt her own phone vibrate.

They had exchanged numbers that day in the hallway, Alyssa promising to help Emma out with debate stuff.

Honestly, she wasn’t sure how the other girl had convinced her to even go back to debate club full stop, not after the events of the last meeting, but she was slowly coming to realise that she would do literally anything for Alyssa Greene.

Especially if that something led to her getting the other girl’s number.

They had exchanged brief messages, nothing more than simple pleasantries and plans to meet up, and somehow Emma had found herself telling Alyssa that she knew somewhere they could meet at lunch without being bothered.

Which is how she came to find herself stood, hiding at the top of the music corridor, watching Alyssa look round confusedly, presumably looking for her.

She pulled her own phone out of her pocket, a message from the other girl lighting up the screen.

_I think I’m here??!_

Emma pocketed her phone and slipped out of her hiding spot, just as Alyssa turned to look in the opposite direction. 

She cleared her throat to get the other girl’s attention and Alyssa jumped slightly, whipping round to face Emma with wide eyes as though she’d just appeared out of thin air, which she kind of supposed she had. 

‘Oh, hey,’ Alyssa said, somewhat awkwardly, ‘I uh, I didn’t see you walking up.’ 

Emma looked down at her shoes, head immediately snapping there as soon as Alyssa’s eyes met hers. She’d forgotten how nervous Alyssa’s gaze made her.

‘Yeah, uh,’ she began, ‘I was- I was waiting for you there.’

She motioned to the doorway she had been hiding in.

‘Oh,’ repeated Alyssa, ‘is, uh, is that the place you had in mind or...’

‘No,’ said Emma sheepishly, ‘I uh, I was just waiting to see if you’d, um if you’d come alone or- or whatever.’ 

Alyssa looked at her, brow furrowed.

‘Why wouldn’t I come alone?’

‘Uh, well,’ Emma shifted uncomfortably under Alyssa’s questioning gaze, feeling her face grow hot, ‘you- you’re always with like Kaylee and Shelby and stuff so I just, I- I just wanted to make sure they weren’t around.’ 

Alyssa looked at her strangely.

‘Emma, I know you’re probably not trying to, but you’re really kinda sounding like you’re about to murder me right now.’

Emma’s eyes went wide, embarrassment flooding through her veins and racing round her body.

She opened and closed her mouth, trying desperately to think of anything that she could say to convince Alyssa that she wasn’t as weird as she was coming across.

God, this was such a bad idea. Why had she thought that even trying to meet up with Alyssa one on one would be a good idea? Of course she was making a fool of herself.

Alyssa, seeming to sense her embarrassment, took a step forward tentatively, a soft smile on her lips.

‘Sorry I- I didn’t mean it like that,’ Emma continued, ‘I just- the place we’re going is kinda special to me. No one knows about it and- and I’d like to keep it that way.’

Alyssa nodded slowly, ‘Of course.’

Emma turned, motioning for Alyssa to follow her as she walked off down the music corridor.

She stopped when she reached the door of the band closet, the worn wood immediately bringing her a sense of calm and comfort.

She placed a hand on it gently, smiling softly at the feeling of the coarse surface under her fingers, the feeling of safety, a barrier between her and the outside world.

She felt Alyssa come to a stop behind her.

‘I’ve never noticed this before,’ she said, taking in the small door.

‘Nobody usually does,’ Emma replied, fishing the key out of her pocket and unlocking the door.

She opened it gently, motioning for Alyssa to enter as she held the door for her.

Alyssa eyed the dark room warily, looking between Emma and the darkness with a raised eyebrow.

‘Promise you’re not gonna kill me?’ she asked, the corner of her lips turning up into a smirk.

‘Promise,’ said Emma, chuckling lightly before gesturing again for Alyssa to enter the room.

Once they were both inside, she flicked the switch on the wall, the yellow of the old lightbulb illuminating the dust covered shelves and storage crates of the band closet.

She watched as Alyssa took it all in, her eyes roaming over broken music stands and scattered pages from old music textbooks carpeting the floor.

‘Is this-?’ she began.

‘The band storage closet?’ finished Emma, ‘Yeah. It’s uh, it’s not much but, well it’s big enough for me.’

‘You have a key?’ asked Alyssa, her eyes on the key still in Emma’s hand.

‘Uh, yeah. I- I mentioned to Miss Gomez, y’know the music teacher, that I wished there was someplace I could practise my guitar in peace at lunch and she gave me the key for here. No one really knows it’s here, and no one ever comes in so, I guess it’s kinda perfect for me.’

Alyssa took it all in for a moment.

‘But you showed me?’ she said her voice almost a whisper, her eyes on Emma, looking at her in a way that made Emma’s insides feel weird.

‘Uh, yeah, I guess I did.’

‘Why?’

Emma shifted uncomfortably, toeing at a flap of carpet that was coming unstuck with her shoe. Why had she shown Alyssa?

‘Um, I- I don’t know,’ she said quietly, her eyes still on the floor, ‘I guess- I guess I trust you.’

And she did. She didn’t know why, and she didn’t know how, but she was slowly coming to realise that deep down, she trusted Alyssa Greene more than she’d ever trusted anyone before. 

It was as though the other girl was casting some spell on her, her ever earnest eyes full of unspoken promises that she would be kind and look out for Emma. And Emma believed them.

Her heart took those promises and ran with them, and the more time she spent with Alyssa, the deeper she found herself falling.

When she looked back up, there was a strange look in Alyssa’s eyes, as though she was looking right through Emma, all of her thoughts and feelings on display.

She didn’t know what it was, but something shifted between them in the closet that day, the awkwardness of social status and being complete strangers vanishing and a new sort of friendship taking hold.

~

Over the next few weeks, she continued to text back and forth with Alyssa, with two lunchtimes a week being spent studying up on debate etiquette and how to get over Emma’s fear of public speaking.

She quickly discovered that, although she hid it well, Alyssa was a huge nerd when it came to debate.

She followed basically all the college leagues and was always sending Emma YouTube links to the newest debates between the top ranked colleges, often followed by a message with specific time stamps to look at in order to see good technique, or just her favourite parts.

Alyssa was embarrassed when Emma initially brought up how into debate she seemed, but really, Emma found it made her all the more endearing. 

A cheerleader with a secret passion for debate? What was not to love?

They fell into a comfortable sort of, well Emma wouldn’t call it friendship exactly, maybe acquaintanceship. Alyssa was always there with a smile or a wave in the hallways, even with the disbelieving stares of Kaylee and Shelby every time she even looked in Emma’s direction.

And even though the bullying continued, she found herself more able to cope with it, hold her head up high and think that maybe she was worth it. That maybe, now that she actually had an acquaintance-friend in the school, things were starting to look up. 

Of course, this newfound self assurance didn’t stop the football players from spray painting slurs on her locker or throwing stuff all over her on the rare occasion she ventured into the cafeteria, but it definitely helped, even a little bit.

It had been one of those days for Emma.

She’d come in to find her locker yet again pried open and the remaining books she was keeping in there scattered all over the floor, being trodden into the tiles by oblivious freshman.

Thankfully, she’d learnt not to keep anything that she actually needed in her locker anymore, opting to leave it in the band closet where she knew it was safe, but it was still endlessly annoying to have to scrabble around on the floor, avoiding the stampede of other kids trying to get to their classes, while trying to salvage whatever she could of her locker contents. 

The rest of the day had passed without too many incidents.

Nick had tripped her outside of math, but she’d managed to recover before she could sprawl face first onto the floor, and then another football player had attempted to extort whatever money she had off her, but that had ended as soon as Principal Hawkins had rounded the corner.

Not that she’d had any money for the guy to steal in the first place.

By the time the final bell rang, all she wanted to do was go home and curl up in her bed in front of Netflix, homework forgotten in her bag which she would unceremoniously dump on the floor the minute she got inside. 

She walked slowly to her locker, trying to look as though she was actually making use of it while she waited for the hallways to clear.

She needed to stop by the band closet before she left to actually grab the stuff that should’ve been in her locker and her guitar, but she always made sure to leave a good 15 minutes before she even thought about heading in that direction.

The milk incident a few weeks back had shown that even after the final bell had rung, she still wasn’t safe.

She walked slowly towards the music corridor, taking the longest route possible in order to waste some more time, and also to check that no one was following her.

When she thought that the coast was clear, she ducked down the corridor, adjusting her bag on her shoulder and speeding up as she neared the band closet.

She turned the key in the lock, looking back and forth up and down the corridor one last time before she entered.

As soon as she opened the door, she knew something was wrong.

For starters, the light was on, when she was sure she’d turned it off when she’d left at lunchtime, and her eyes immediately found a pair of shoes which had been discarded by the door. 

She stood in the doorway, one foot into the room as she looked closer, taking in the small body that was propped against the far wall. 

Alyssa was decked out in full cheer uniform, minus her shoes, but still with a bow in her hair. She was sat, back to the wall, with her eyes screwed shut and headphones firmly in her ears.

Emma felt frozen. She didn’t know what to do.

Alyssa clearly looked like she was taking some time for herself, and she really didn’t want to interrupt that, but at the same time she wanted to know if the other girl was okay.

She didn’t really look okay.

She stood, staring at her, taking in the cheer uniform and her slightly disheveled ponytail, as her brain tried desperately to come up with the right solution.

She took another step into the room, eyes still fixed on Alyssa.

Eyes so focused on Alyssa that she didn’t see the music stand that was lying dangerously close to her foot.

She winced at the clang that echoed around the room as her foot made contact with it, Alyssa’s eyes shooting open at the sound.

They both just stared at each other for second, Emma taking in the tell-tale redness of Alyssa’s eyes, the still drying tear tracks on her cheeks.

She wasn’t sure what she could do, what she could say to help Alyssa.

The other girl sprang to her feet suddenly, ripping her headphones from her ears and wiping roughly at her eyes.

‘Sorry,’ she said before Emma had a chance to speak, ‘I- I didn’t realise you’d be coming back here today. I can- I’ll just pack my stuff up and go if you give me a minute.’

Emma blinked at her for a second, before her brain kicked in and reminded her that she should probably find out what was going on.

‘No, it’s uh, it’s fine,’ she said, ‘I was just coming to grab my stuff.’

She motioned to one of the shelves behind Alyssa’s head where her textbooks were currently piled neatly. 

‘How- how did you get in here?’

She was pretty sure she’d locked the door earlier that day, she always made sure to before she left.

‘Oh, uh,’ Alyssa began, ‘I- I found Miss Gomez and told her I needed to get in here for student council business. She gave me her key.’

Emma nodded slowly. 

‘I’m sorry,’ the other girl continued, sniffing quietly, ‘I- I know this is kind of your space but- but I just needed somewhere to go, somewhere I could breathe, somewhere quiet.’

The sight of the girl in front of her, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, was making Emma’s heart ache in a way that it never had before.

She wanted to help Alyssa, she really did, she just didn’t know how.

She wanted to help because, she found that actually, she cared about Alyssa.

She cared about her in a way that she never had before, a way that bypassed the casual concern of a crush, and moved straight into a deep need to make everything okay, to stop any more tears falling onto the other girl’s cheeks.

She cared about Alyssa in a way she’d never cared about anyone else before, a way she’d never even experienced before.

It was big and it was overwhelming, and it was so full of these huge, all consuming feelings that she didn’t quite know what to do with it.

Besides, Alyssa was clearly going through something and had come to the band closet to be alone, so who was she to ruin that?

‘It’s fine,’ she said eventually, her feet shuffling awkwardly beneath her, ‘it’s a good place to be alone. I- I don’t like, own it or anything so you, uh, you can come whenever you need to. I’ll just grab my stuff and then I’ll be out of your way.’

At this, Alyssa’s eyes went wide, more tears swimming in their brown depths as she stepped forward. 

‘No you don’t-‘ she began, ‘you- you could stay, uh, if you wanted to. Don’t- don’t think you have to rush off just because of me.’

She stared into Emma’s eyes, and Emma understood the hidden meaning behind those words.

_Please don’t go._

She swallowed nervously.

‘Uh, sure,’ she replied, ‘I can stay for a bit, if you’re sure you don’t mind.’

Alyssa smiled gratefully at her as she slumped back against the wall.

Emma moved further into the room, dropping her bag to the floor. Her bed and Netflix could wait, and she figured that she could text her gran to let her know she’d be home a little later than usual.

She looked at Alyssa cautiously, the other girl now staring into space. Emma could see the thoughts flying round her head reflected in those deep brown eyes.

Even when they were red and puffy from crying, she thought Alyssa had the most beautiful eyes she’d ever seen.

‘Do you- uh, do you wanna talk about it?’ she asked cautiously, moving to sit opposite Alyssa, her back to one of the crates of old books. 

She watched as the other girl rubbed a tired hand across her face, sighing as she did so.

‘It’s just been a day, I guess,’ she said, ‘My mom’s been really on me recently about getting my chemistry grades up so I didn’t go to bed until like 2 last night, and then I was late to the student council meeting because my tutoring session ran over, and then I got to cheer practise and it was literally five minutes before Kaylee started making some bitchy comment about how I shouldn’t be vice captain if I couldn’t get a simple move right and I just-‘

She cut herself off, sighing again as she traced the pleats of her skirt with her finger.

‘It’s just been a bit much today, that’s all,’ she continued, ‘I just- I needed some space to just breathe.’

Emma nodded gently, ‘I get that.’

At this, Alyssa’s eyes went wide and she clapped a hand to her forehead.

‘What am I even saying?’ she said, ‘You actually have to go through awful shit every day and I’m here complaining about cheer practise and extracurriculars. God, I’m sorry.’

Emma shook her head, shuffling forward slightly from where she was sitting.

‘Hey, no,’ she began, ‘please don’t do that. Please don’t invalidate how you’re feeling because of me. Whatever someone else may or may not be going through, your feelings are valid too, okay?’

Alyssa stared at her for a second, her eyes filling with tears again as her cheeks grew pink.

‘Okay,’ she said, her voice no more than a whisper.

There was a beat before she spoke again.

‘I just don’t know how you do it.’

Emma smiled sadly, ‘Honestly some days, me neither.’

Alyssa mirrored the sad smile, wiping at a lone tear that was making its way down her cheek.

‘Besides,’ Emma continued, ‘I could say the same thing about you, Miss ‘every-extracurricular-under-the-sun’.’

Alyssa laughed lightly, more tears falling down her cheeks as she shook her head. 

Emma pulled a packet of tissues out the side of her back, tossing them to Alyssa gently.

‘These do come in handy though,’ she said with a smile.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Alyssa sniffing quietly while Emma pulled threads from the carpet.

No one spoke, but it wasn’t awkward. To Emma, it felt like a much needed quiet that neither of them had experienced in a long while.

It was peaceful, it was calm, and honestly, it felt very them. If there even was a _them_ in any way.

‘Thanks,’ Alyssa said after a while, her fingers absentmindedly tearing pieces off the tissue in her hands, ‘for staying and listening I mean.’

Emma smiled shyly at her, ‘You helped me out the other day, so really, I owed you one.’

Alyssa looked up at this, catching Emma’s eye and smiling too, something passing between them that made Emma’s chest feel warm.

She could stare into Alyssa’s eyes all day, just hoping to catch a glimpse of the hidden depths she knew were buried somewhere deep inside them.

She blinked, clearing her throat to break her from her Alyssa induced daze, deciding to change the subject before she could get too lost in those eyes.

‘Go on then,’ she said, motioning to the headphones in Alyssa’s lap, ‘what were you listening to? What’s on Alyssa Greene’s ‘alone time’ playlist?’

Alyssa chuckled, looking down at her phone.

‘The thing is, Emma Nolan, I feel like you might be pretty judgemental when it comes to music, so I don’t know if I want to share.’

Emma grinned, ‘Whatever gives you that idea? Honestly though, unless it’s like something completely inappropriate, I won’t judge, I promise.’

‘Define inappropriate,’ Alyssa said, her eyes narrowing and the smile on her face growing with Emma’s.

‘I don’t know,’ Emma said, thinking for a moment, ‘like WAP or something.’

‘Woaaah, okay, okay!’ Alyssa said, her eyes going wide, ‘Number one, you think my mother would ever let me listen to that on our joint Spotify account?’

‘I’m gonna completely ignore the fact you just said that you have a joint Spotify account with your mom.’

‘And secondly,’ Alyssa continued, ‘if that’s inappropriate then I definitely have nothing to worry about.’

Emma raised an eyebrow, ‘Go on then.’

Alyssa sighed dramatically, ‘If you must know, it was Folklore.’

Emma rolled her eyes playfully, watching as Alyssa’s face morphed into a frown.

‘Ah, I knew it,’ she said with a grin, ‘Alyssa Greene is a swiftie.’

Alyssa opened her mouth to protest, her eyes going wide as Emma began to laugh.

‘I- it’s not- I’m not really, I just- look, it’s a good album, okay?’ 

Alyssa began to laugh too, the two of them giggling quietly. Emma’s heart felt full.

Emma shook her head, ‘No, no I agree. It’s definitely one of her better ones, I’ll give you that.’

‘I thought you said no judgment,’ Alyssa retorted, rolling her eyes. 

‘No, no judgement here,’ laughed Emma, ‘I do like it. Betty is like, a secret gay anthem.’

She grew bashful, looking down at her hands.

She’d never really mentioned the whole gay thing around Alyssa, and while the other girl had never outright joined in with the bullying, she still didn’t really know where she stood on it, especially given how outspoken her mother was on the issue.

If Alyssa did have a problem with it, she didn’t show it.

‘Oh,’ she responded softly, ‘I’ve never thought about it like that.’

Emma chanced a look upwards, being met with a shy smile on Alyssa’s lips, her dimple barely visible on her cheek.

‘I um, I’m trying to learn it on guitar at the moment,’ she said nervously. 

‘What?!’ exclaimed Alyssa, startling Emma as she watched her eyes go wide, ‘Do you have your guitar here? Please can you play it?’

Emma opened her mouth to refuse, but stopped herself.

There was something so earnest, so pure in Alyssa’s pleading eyes that broke something inside of her. 

She was usually pretty reserved about playing for anyone else. Even her gran had to practically beg her before she would get her guitar out and play a few songs for her, so if it were anyone else, she would’ve said no right away.

But when Alyssa was looking at her like that, her head and her heart were telling her that not playing wasn’t even an option.

She grabbed her guitar from where it sat propped against the wall, opening the case and sliding it out gently.

Cradling it in her lap, she turned to Alyssa and cleared her throat.

‘Okay, but I’m only gonna play this once,’ she said, Alyssa nodding excitedly, ‘and only cos I know you’re sad.’

* * *

Alyssa bit her lip, glancing sideways at Emma, the other girl engrossed in the video they were currently watching on her phone.

It was, naturally, a debate video, the newest post from the NYU debate team’s Youtube channel.

Alyssa had already seen it, of course she had, she had them on post notification, but Emma had suggested it, so she’d eagerly agreed to watch it anyway.

Over the past few weeks, Emma had been getting more and more interested in debate, and recently had been actively watching debate videos of her own accord, sending her favourites to Alyssa and insisting they watch them at lunchtimes together so she could tell her what she thought.

The day the week before where Emma had leapt up as Alyssa entered the band closet, eyes sparkling, excitedly talking about that weekend’s college debate heats, had honestly made her more proud than she’d felt in a long while.

To think that a few weeks earlier, Emma couldn’t even think about debate without groaning, and now she was nearly a bigger debate nerd than Alyssa.

She smiled softly to herself as she watched Emma nod along with one of the points one of the teams made, and she was momentarily struck by how lucky she was.

How lucky that she had finally managed to become friends with Emma Nolan.

And honestly, it was a thousand times better than she’d thought it would be.

Emma was smart, and kind, and funny, and even if sometimes she could be a little awkward, she always seemed to know what to say when Alyssa was feeling stressed or upset.

She felt this warmth whenever she was around Emma that she’d never felt with any of her friends before.

It was always the same. It started as a low buzz in her chest, the more time she seemed to spend with Emma, the louder it became and the warmer the feeling got.

It took over her whole body and she was starting to crave it when it wasn’t there, craving the ability to spend time with Emma just so she could feel as calm and as safe as she always did when she was around.

Even there, sat shoulder to shoulder in the band closet, Alyssa could feel it, warmth emanating from the spot on her arm that was brushing Emma’s, the feeling racing round her body in her bloodstream until she felt completely content.

It often struck her how rare this must be, this connection with someone.

She’d never heard Kaylee and Shelby talk about it, not even with regard to each other and they were inseparable.

No, she’d come to the conclusion that maybe this warmth was only reserved for people who were destined to be friends, destined to be there for each other. She figured it was kind of like friendship soulmates.

She wondered if Emma felt it too. She had always been too scared to ask.

Emma, as though sensing Alyssa’s eyes on her, turned once the video had ended.

‘What?’ she said sheepishly, bringing a hand up to readjust her glasses in a way that Alyssa had noticed was a nervous trait of hers.

‘Uh, nothing,’ she replied awkwardly, ‘Just thinking.’

‘’Bout what?’ said Emma, bumping her shoulder gently into Alyssa’s.

Alyssa took a deep breath. There was something she had been meaning to ask Emma, something that she was trying to build up the courage to say.

‘Would you, uh,’ she began, chewing nervously on her bottom lip, ‘I was- I was wondering if you’d maybe want to come over tomorrow- uh, after school? We could- we could uh, go over some debate stuff or- or catch up on some assignments or just hang out or, uh whatever you want really?’

She mentally kicked herself. Why was she being so weird about this? It was just inviting Emma over.

Emma looked back at her with a conflicted expression and Alyssa’s heart sank. It had been stupid anyway, she didn’t know why she’d thought that Emma would want to hang out with her outside of school or debate prep. She shouldn’t have asked.

‘’Lys I- I’d love to but uh-‘ Emma wrung her hands in her lap and Alyssa waited for the inevitable rejection, ‘what- what about your mom? We uh, we know she’s not my biggest fan so I can’t- I can’t really see her being okay with it.’

At this Alyssa’s head shot up, a small smile painting itself on her face.

‘She won’t be there,’ she said triumphantly, ‘that’s uh, that’s why I asked. She’s going out of town tomorrow for some conference and she said she wouldn’t be back until 8 so we could have a few hours after school, and then you could leave before she gets back. If- uh, if you wanted to, that is?’

‘You, uh, you sure it would be okay?’ Emma asked, eyes nervously searching Alyssa’s face, ‘Like, she wouldn’t somehow know I’d been there afterwards? I don’t- I don’t want you to get in any trouble or anything.’

Alyssa smiled at her brightly, ‘Of course its okay! I’d- I’d really like it if you came!’

~

Alyssa reached over her textbook to the plate of homemade cookies that Emma had brought.

‘Honestly,’ she mumbled, her mouth full of cookie, ‘I think my mom would be more mad about finding these cookies in the house than she would be about finding you.’

Emma laughed at this, looking up at Alyssa and adjusting her glasses slightly, a pen balanced between her lips.

‘Speaking of which,’ she said around the pen, glancing down at her phone on the table, ‘its 6 o’clock, so I should probably be going soon.’

Alyssa felt her heart sink, not wanting her afternoon with Emma to be over. It had been so nice to actually spend time with her in a different setting, and now that they were here, she didn’t want it to end.

But she knew that Emma would have to be long gone by the time her mom arrived home. It wasn’t fair to make the other girl stay and have to endure whatever her mom would say to her.

They’d made a plan. Emma had parked her truck a few streets away, and they’d walked the rest of the way to Alyssa’s house, so no nosy neighbours could report back to Mrs Greene. They’d made a strict rule that Emma could leave no later than 6.30, just to be safe.

It sucked, but was necessary, and Alyssa found herself, not for the first time, wishing that her mom was literally anyone else.

‘Okay,’ she said eventually, ‘Do you just wanna finish this page for chem and then you can head off?’

Emma nodded, removing the pen from her mouth and tucking an unruly blonde hair behind her ear in a way that made Alyssa smile.

She uncapped her own pen, eyes moving quickly over the words in the textbook as she tried to take in what the question was asking.

She glanced sideways, watching as Emma rapidly scrawled something onto her page. She wished she was as good at chemistry as Emma was, even if did mean that the other girl had agreed to help her out with it from time to time.

She was just about to put her pen to her paper when suddenly, she heard a noise.

She froze, pen hovering over the page, her head snapping up to look at Emma in panic.

The noise came again, the unmistakable sound of a key turning in a lock.

The fear she was feeling was mirrored on Emma’s face, the two of them just staring at each other for a second, before Emma sprang into action, desperately trying to scoop all of her books and her pens off the kitchen table as quickly as she could.

‘I’m hoooome!’ came the call from the hallway as they heard the front door open and close, Emma gesticulating wildly at Alyssa for somewhere, anywhere she could go, some escape route that she could take before Mrs Greene walked into the kitchen and inevitably all hell broke loose.

Alyssa racked her brains, trying to think of anything she could do to stall her mother, but it was no use, she kept drawing blanks.

‘Alyssa, honey,’ her mom called again, evidently expecting some sort of response to her arrival, ‘is someone else here?’

Alyssa mentally cursed herself, an image of placing Emma’s shoes beside hers in the hallway bouncing round inside her head.

Emma, evidently also thinking the same, looked down quickly, as though realising that even if there were somewhere she could go, she currently was shoeless and it had been raining the whole day. She was as good as stuck.

‘Alyssa?’ Mrs Greene said again, this time more sharply, her voice getting closer, ‘why are you ignoring me?’

Alyssa shot one last, apologetic look at Emma, who was oddly staring at something behind her on the table, her face contorted into some expression of both fear and confusion.

Suddenly, the second before Mrs Greene entered the kitchen, Emma lunged across the table, grabbing the last cookie and shoving it into her mouth as quickly as she could.

‘Really, Alyssa, have you got those headphones in again or-‘ her mom cut herself off as she rounded the corner, her eyes flicking back and forth between Alyssa and Emma with a look of indignation on her face.

If it had been any other situation, Alyssa would have probably found it desperately funny.

There was Emma, mouth full of cookie, chewing vigorously with her eyes wide and fixed on Mrs Greene, who was looking more horrified than Alyssa thought she’d ever seen her mom look.

There was silence for a moment, the sound of Emma’s chewing filling the kitchen as her mom opened and closed her mouth a few times.

Alyssa braced herself, and she felt Emma stiffen beside her.

‘What is going on?’ her mom asked, her voice dangerously quiet.

Alyssa swallowed nervously. She balled her hands into fists at her side, willing them not to shake.

‘What is she doing here?’ her mom continued, her voice rising ever so slightly, its tone menacing.

Alyssa cleared her throat, glancing at Emma who seemed to be frozen to the spot.

‘ _Emma_ ,’ she said pointedly, ‘is here because I invited her. I’ve been helping her out with some stuff for debate.’

Mrs Greene stared at her for a minute, and Alyssa allowed herself a second of feeling proud for the fact that her voice had come out so calm and steady.

‘Debate?’ came the response, ‘Please don’t tell me that _this_ is your new debate teammate, the one you were praising so highly the other day?’

Alyssa said nothing, staring defiantly at her mother even though it was taking everything in her to maintain her gaze.

‘Goodness Alyssa,’ Mrs Greene continued, taking her silence as a yes, ‘from the way you were talking about them I thought-‘

She cut herself off, Alyssa filling in the blank in her head.

_I thought it was some boy you had a crush on, not the local lesbian disgrace._

Silence filled the room again, as Alyssa watched her mom turn towards Emma. She held her breath.

‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave,’ she said calmly, Emma nodding furiously as though she wanted nothing more, ‘I can’t have someone with your… _beliefs_ in my house, I’m afraid.’

At this, Emma flinched, Alyssa immediately stepping forward. She didn’t know why she did it, but she was suddenly overcome with the intense urge to protect Emma.

‘Don’t speak to her like that,’ she said angrily, not missing the way Emma’s eyes were now flitting between her mom and her.

‘And after you go,’ Mrs Greene continued, ignoring Alyssa completely, ‘I want you to stay away from my daughter, understand? If I find out you’ve been anywhere near her, in school or out of school, I shall be speaking to the principal. We will have to find a more permanent solution to keep you from corrupting the other young people of this town.’

Alyssa felt anger rising in her chest, her fists now clenched at her sides and a fire burning in her stomach.

She opened her mouth as though to say something, but was stopped by Emma catching her eye and giving her head a small shake.

‘Okay,’ Emma said quietly, no fight in her voice, ‘I’ll go.’

She turned to Alyssa, her eyes swimming with so many unsaid things, so many things that Alyssa wished she knew how to understand.

‘Thank you for your hospitality, Alyssa,’ she said almost robotically, ‘and thank you for all your help with the debate stuff. I’ll see you at the practice debate on Friday.’

And with that, she shuffled quickly out of the room, her shoulders stooped and her hand clutched tightly onto the strap of her bag.

Alyssa watched her mother watch her go, a look of triumph in her eyes and a malicious smirk on her lips.

It made her feel sick.

As soon as she heard the door slam, she gathered her books as fast as she could, bolting up the stairs to her room and ignoring her mom’s shouts that followed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop, that probs wasn't alyssa's best idea, was it? apologies for just like consistently hurting these characters but i promise that was necessary for what i have planned for the next chapter! 
> 
> as always, comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated and i love hearing what you guys think, its literally the best!!!
> 
> i hope you enjoyed and i hope to be back with chapter 4 as quickly as possible!!
> 
> stay safe pals


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Emma and Alyssa decide what to do, and there is finally a debate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi pals, I'm back again. Sorry this took so long, this week has been crazy for me and I've been writing whenever I get a spare minute.
> 
> I've gotta tell you, this chapter is accidentally 10k words long. I don't know how it happened, and honestly I apologise for it, so maybe grab a cup of tea or something before you sit down and read it!! I hope its worth it!!
> 
> As always super huge shoutout to Sydnie (onethingsuniversal) for listening to me complain about my lack of motivation and for helping me out with some of the debate stuff!!
> 
> (TW for quite strong homophobic rhetoric during the debate, and also panic attacks and internalised homophobia)

Alyssa kept having the same dream.

It had started a few weeks prior and she’d been having it once or twice a week ever since.

And the thing was, it was annoying her. It was driving her crazy because it was one of those dreams that never had a conclusion.

No matter how many times she had it, no matter what she did differently in the dream, it would always cut off just before the end.

It always started in the same way.

She was walking down the school halls alone. There didn’t seem to be anyone else in the building, the classrooms silent and all of the lights turned off. The only noise came from the squeaking of her shoes on the tiled floors.

She would get to a certain place in the school, she was never sure where, and then a figure would appear.

It was always the same person, a guy, she thought, with blondish hair, though she never saw his face.

He would stand by her side, a little taller than her, and hold out his hand for Alyssa to take, which she always did.

She liked the way his hand felt in hers, soft and warm even in the dream, their fingers tangling together perfectly in a way that made Alyssa feel like they were made to hold each other’s hands.

They would walk, hand in hand, down the empty halls, arms swinging gently between them.

In these moments, Alyssa would feel a sense of calm, the kind of calm you can only experience in dreams, where even while you’re walking it feels like you’re floating, everything just that little bit too far from reality to seem able to bother you.

They would never talk, the silence between them comfortable and always peaceful.

Alyssa did try and speak to him sometimes, an attempt to hear his voice even for a second, but he would never reply.

They’d reach the double doors at the entrance to the school and at this point he’d always give her hand a sharp tug, pulling her towards him so he could place a sweet kiss to her cheek.

She’d place a hand on the back of his neck, his hair tickling her fingers as she was overtaken by the desperate need to see him, discover who he was, paired with the urge to pull him in and kiss him softly.

But just as she would look up, leaning in slowly, her eyes fluttering closed with his breath warm on her lips, the dream would fade and she would wake up, cursing her brain, and her alarm, for stopping the dream at seemingly the same place every night.

She spent her days wondering just who he was.

Did she know him? Did he go to James Madison? Or was he just some kind of figment of her imagination, some imaginary boyfriend that her mind had conjured up due to the lack of interest she had in literally every guy in her class?

If anything, it was kind of a relief.

She was beginning to worry that maybe something was wrong with her, that she would never find a guy that she truly connected with or even thought was attractive.

She’d always stood by, watching Kaylee and Shelby’s revolving door of boyfriend after boyfriend, never understanding the hype, or what either girl saw in any of them.

At least this dream gave her something to go on, even if it was some sketchy blueprint of her ideal man.

She’d offhandedly mentioned it one day to Kaylee and Shelby at lunchtime, and they’d both run with the idea.

Now, any time a guy with remotely light coloured hair came anywhere near her, they would nudge her and point in his direction, whispering excitedly about whether he was the man of Alyssa’s dreams.

Spoiler alert, he never was.

She’d been so troubled by the dream, she’d even resorted to telling Emma about it, asking her if she had any idea who she could be dreaming of one lunchtime in the band closet.

Emma, who had gently reminded Alyssa that she probably wouldn’t be able to name any boys at James Madison, unless maybe they were among those that had been hauled into the principal’s office and made to apologise to her for writing on her locker or tripping her in the hallway.

It was kind of refreshing, Alyssa found, to spend time with someone who cared even less about the boys at school than she did.

She often wondered if Emma saw the girls of James Madison in the same way that Shelby and Kaylee saw the boys, a conveyor belt of potential homecoming dates and after school makeout sessions in the parking lot.

They even had their own rating system, which was way too complicated for Alyssa to even begin to try and understand, including categories such as ‘sporting achievements’, ‘kissing abilities’ (based on either experience or imagination), and how good they imagined their abs would look under their shirts.

Emma didn’t seem like the kind of person to have a rating system, but then again, Alyssa was unsure as to what categories you could rate girls on when looking for a potential partner.

She definitely wouldn’t choose ‘sporting prowess’ and she didn’t think that was something that Emma seemed to care about either.

Sometimes, when she let her mind wander, she would wonder whether Emma had a crush on anyone at James Madison.

She’d certainly never expressed any interest in anyone, but she also rarely spoke about anything to do with her sexuality, so it wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary.

Thinking about Emma crushing on a girl made Alyssa feel weird. Well, not weird exactly, but there was no other word to describe it.

She figured it was part of some ripple of her mother’s homophobic attitude, some tiny voice at the back of her head telling her to listen to her mom and the church sermons that told her that people who liked the same sex were sinners.

She was constantly trying to stuff that voice away in some box at the back of her mind, locking it up and throwing away the key in an attempt to be more open minded about things than the very close-minded community she lived in.

She pushed down the weird feeling as well. After all, there was nothing wrong with Emma liking girls.

Plus, she was Alyssa’s friend, and if being friends with Kaylee and Shelby had taught her anything, it was that friends spoke about their crushes and their relationships all the time. She wanted to be able to do that with Emma, so she knew she’d have to get over whatever this feeling was sooner rather than later.

She, of course, had not taken any notice of her mother’s warning to Emma, staying away from the other girl the last thing on her mind.

She’d immediately texted Emma after running up to her room, apologising profusely for her mom’s behaviour and for putting Emma in the situation in the first place.

Emma had responded quickly, apologising herself for the same thing and explaining how she would understand if they didn’t speak any more, to which Alyssa had told her to meet in their usual place at school so they could talk about it in person.

The next day, Alyssa knocked lightly on the band closet door before entering, immediately being met by a very nervous looking Emma.

‘Did anyone see?’ Emma asked as soon as the door was closed, shrinking back into the wall as Alyssa stepped further into the room, shaking her head.

From where she was standing, Alyssa could see Emma’s barely concealed hands shaking and she immediately crossed the space, pulling the other girl into a hug.

She felt Emma’s body relax as she tightened her arms, shaking hands stilling as they came to rest gently on Alyssa’s back, the smell of vanilla wafting from the blonde curls that were tickling her nose.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, her lips close to Emma’s ear, ‘I- I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.’

She pulled back, holding the other girl at arm’s length.

‘Are you okay?’

She watched as Emma’s gaze fell somewhere over her left shoulder, as if she was trying to appear like she was making eye contact, her hands dropping back to her sides as Alyssa stepped back.

Alyssa watched as she took a deep breath, her fingers fidgeting with the sleeves of her flannel.

‘Alyssa, I-‘ she began, eyes darting briefly to Alyssa’s face before fixing back on the wall behind her.

There was a pause, Emma clearly thinking of the best way to word whatever she wanted to say next.

Alyssa found herself smiling reassuringly, stepping forward ever so slightly and taking Emma’s hand.

‘It’s okay,’ she said, watching as Emma swallowed thickly, her eyes now darting between her hand and Alyssa.

‘I just- I’m really scared of your mom,’ she said, her voice almost a whisper.

Alyssa smiled sadly, ‘I understand.’

‘And- and I don’t want to stop hanging out with you,’ Emma continued, her voice shaking, ‘I- I really don’t because, well because I really like you, as- as a friend, I mean, uh, I really like having you as a friend.’

‘Me too,’ Alyssa echoed, squeezing Emma’s hand gently.

‘I- I’ve just never had a friend like you before really, someone who actually cares about me and- and wants to spend time with me so-‘

She trailed off, her cheeks flushing scarlet and her hand warming in Alyssa’s. Her gaze was trained firmly on her shoes.

‘Emma, hey,’ Alyssa said, tugging her hand a little until they were standing by one of the old crates full of music books.

She motioned for Emma to sit, hand still in hers as they squeezed onto the crate together, shoulders bumping at how close they had to be to both fit on.

‘Em, look at me,’ Alyssa said softly, watching as the other girl slowly looked upwards, her eyes darting nervously between Alyssa’s, ‘I don’t wanna lose you either. I- I know my mom can seem scary, but I’ve had enough years of dealing with her to know that if we’re careful, she never has to know.’

Emma frowned sceptically.

‘And I promise you that I will never let her talk to the principal or whatever else she was threatening you with the other day. You don’t need to worry about-‘

‘Lyssa, wait,’ Emma cut in suddenly, ‘it’s not- I don’t care about your mom. Well, that- that’s a lie I totally do and she really scares me but, the- the amount of shit that gets thrown at me every day is way worse than some threat about going to the principal. Besides, Principal Hawkins is one of the good guys, I think. He- he’s always on my side.’

Alyssa furrowed her brow in confusion, ‘But then...what are you so nervous about?’

‘You, ‘Lys’ Emma said shyly, ‘I don’t- I don’t care what she does to me, but I don’t want her to do anything to you just for hanging out with me or whatever.’

Alyssa paused for a minute, her brain going at a thousand miles per hour.

Emma would risk the wrath of her mother just so that they could stay friends?

She didn’t understand. After all, the consequences were sure to be much worse for Emma than they would be for her, and she wouldn’t have been surprised if the other girl had told her, straight up, that she couldn’t put herself on the line like that for Alyssa.

But, somehow, she wanted to?

Something sparked in Alyssa’s chest, a strange feeling that she didn’t think she’d ever experienced before.

It wasn’t unpleasant, in fact it was quite a comforting feeling, so like that warmth that she always felt around Emma but also so different, a kind of humming that she wished she could shut off, while also wishing that she could feel it forever.

She didn’t quite understand it, understand what it could mean. She’d never felt anything so strongly for a friend before.

‘Alyssa?’ Emma’s voice cut through her thoughts, snapping her out of her spiral of feelings and confusion, ‘it’s okay, I mean, if you don’t wanna do this anymore.’

Emma gestured between them weakly, and Alyssa felt her heart break a little at even the idea that Emma thought that Alyssa was about to give up on them.

‘Oh god, Em,’ she rushed out, eyes going wide, ‘of course I still wanna hang out. I- I was more worried about you than myself. Are you- are you sure that you want to take the risk?’

Emma smiled weakly at her, ‘Of course. You’re w-‘

She cut herself off, silence settling thickly between them.

‘I’m what?’ prompted Alyssa, frowning slightly.

‘Nothing,’ Emma replied quickly, ‘it doesn’t matter. A- as long as you’re okay with it, I’m okay with it.’

Alyssa narrowed her eyes for a second, trying to work out what Emma had been about to say, and why she’d cut herself off.

She was...what?

Weird? Wildly annoying? Worth it?

_You’re worth it._

She wasn’t even sure that that was what Emma was going to say, but something about the phrase seemed to stick in Alyssa’s mind.

Emma thought she was worth the risk of expulsion or a town witch hunt or whatever else her mother had planned.

Emma thought she was worth the potential pain and bullying that would be thrown at her.

And honestly, if the roles were reversed, she thought that Emma would be worth it too.

She realised that she still hadn’t said anything, an awkward silence descending over them as Emma looked at her expectantly.

‘I am very much okay with it,’ she replied firmly, trying to give Emma what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

There was another pause where they just stared at each other, Emma fidgeting awkwardly on the crate as much as she could without jostling Alyssa.

It was weird, now that they’d decided to stay friends, it was as if all topics of conversation had gone out the window, Alyssa sifting through various conversation topics in her mind desperately for something she could talk about.

She pulled out her phone to check the time, and a glimmer of inspiration hit her.

‘Hey,’ she said bumping Emma’s shoulder with hers to get her attention, ‘check this out. I wouldn’t put it past my mom to go through my phone in search of something incriminating, so I changed your contact already!’

She thrust her phone screen towards Emma, gesturing to Emma’s contact which was now simply named ‘N’, but retained the book emoji that Emma hated, but Alyssa had insisted on using to remind her of debate and how they had met.

‘You like it?’ she asked brightly as Emma stared down at the screen, her brow furrowed, ‘I thought E was a bit too obvious, so I went with N instead!’

Emma glanced up at her, ‘N for Nolan?’

Alyssa rolled her eyes playfully, ‘No, N for nerd- of course N for Nolan!’

Emma chuckled at this and Alyssa breathed a sigh of relief, all of the awkward tension quickly dissipating from the air around them.

They chatted for the rest of the lunch period, swapping mundane stories and jokes as well as discussing the upcoming mock debate.

The time passed quickly, and Alyssa felt disappointment creeping in as she glanced down at her phone, noting that they only had 5 minutes before they were supposed to be at their next class.

She sighed, scooping her bag up from where she’d abandoned it on the floor and standing slowly, stretching out her back as she did so.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow for some more debate prep.’

‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world,’ Emma replied with a shy smile, and Alyssa felt that same buzzing she’d felt earlier intensify in her chest, making her brain feel fuzzy for a second.

She shook her head to clear it, shooting a bright smile at Emma before turning to leave the room.

Her hand was on the door handle when Emma spoke again.

‘Oh, uh ‘Lys,’ she began, Alyssa spinning back to face her, ‘I uh, I almost forgot. I’ve got something for you.’

‘For me?’ Alyssa frowned, ‘What’s the occasion?’

Emma looked down at her shoes bashfully, a hand searching for something in the pocket of her jeans.

‘Well, uh, the occasion was ‘I’m probably never going to see you again’, but uh, we’ve sorted that now so, there’s not really one anymore.’

She shrugged, pulling something out of her pocket and offering it towards Alyssa in her open palm.

Alyssa stepped forward, curiosity getting the better of her, as she reached a hand out and took the object from Emma’s hand.

It was a key, threaded onto a simple piece of string.

She looked up at Emma expectantly, ‘Am I supposed to guess what this is for or...’

Emma laughed, ‘I won’t keep you in suspense. It’s for here.’

Alyssa gasped softly, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

‘For the band closet?’

‘Uh, yeah,’ said Emma, her cheeks flushing, ‘I uh, I wanted to give you a key for a while anyway, well, ever since I found you in here that time and- and I figured that even if we couldn’t see each other, that didn’t mean you couldn’t still use this space if you needed it. So uh, I got another key cut, one for you.’

Alyssa stared at her for a second, feeling tears pricking at her eyes, the kindness of the gesture stirring all kinds of emotions within her.

‘Which actually, uh, thinking about it now is maybe illegal seeing as its school property and not actually my property but I figured that no one would find out and hopefully you won’t tell anyone and well actually maybe it’s okay that you have it because you’re on the student council and maybe you’d need it from time to time and- uh I’m gonna stop talking now actually.’

Alyssa watched as Emma clamped her mouth shut, nervous energy radiating off her and into the room. She was still speechless.

‘Oh, also,’ Emma said, her mouth seeming to open of its own accord, ‘I put it on a string because it’s kinda, uh, a thing me and my gran do. When I uh, when I lived with my- my parents I was always losing my house key so um, when I came to live with gran she put it on a string for me so I could wear it round my neck and never lose it. She- she said that way I could always have my way home close to my heart.’

She paused and Alyssa thought she saw tears welling in her eyes for a second, before she blinked them back.

‘Not that you, uh, have to keep it on the string or wear it or whatever I just- I thought maybe that way your way to calm could be close to your heart. If- if you wanted it to be.’

There was a beat after she stopped speaking before Alyssa was surging forward, throwing her arms around Emma’s shoulders and pulling her into a tight embrace.

‘Thank you,’ she said into Emma’s hair, ‘thank you so much for this. You don’t know how much it means to me.’

And it was true.

If she was being honest, Alyssa didn’t even think that she herself had a grasp on how much it meant to her, her heart seemingly overflowing with gratitude and care for Emma.

Stupid Emma Nolan with her stupid glasses and stupid blonde curls had just done something which was probably one of the kindest gestures she’d ever been the recipient of.

There weren’t enough words in the English language, or perhaps any language, for Alyssa to tell her how grateful she was.

So she just tried to pour everything into the hug, squeezing Emma tightly and wishing that there was some way they could be closer still, some way she could truly show Emma just how much she meant to her.

The ring of the bell eventually separated them, Alyssa jumping back with wide eyes as she realised the time.

She slipped the key into her pocket for the time being, the cool metal and jagged edge bringing her some comfort as she held it in her hand inside her jeans pocket.

‘Thank you again, Em,’ she said sincerely, turning back towards the door, ‘I don’t know what else I can say, I can’t- I don’t- I’ll text you, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Emma chuckled, watching Alyssa with a fond expression on her face as she darted out of the band closet and into the hallway.

* * *

Emma bounced her leg under the table, taking in the two rows of chairs that had been set up towards the back of the classroom that were slowly filling with parents and members of the PTA.

She caught Principal Hawkins’ eye as he entered the room, a bright smile on his face as he noticed Emma sat with the rest of the debate club members.

He was clearly pleased that his and Betsy’s plan had worked, and Emma had stuck with debate, even though he definitely did not know how close to quitting Emma had been, or how Alyssa had been the only reason she hadn’t.

She tried to smile back at him, her mouth curving into a semi-smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, her nerves causing her leg to bounce more violently under the table, drawing looks from her teammates either side of her.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and she pulled it out, checking it subtly under the table.

A text from Alyssa lit up the screen.

 _You’re good, you’ve got this!!! Remember everything we’ve been over_!

She glanced up, her eyes finding Alyssa on the other side of the classroom immediately.

The other girl was already looking at her, waiting for her to get her message, and she sent Emma a reassuring smile and a slight nod of the head when they made eye contact.

Emma’s heart skipped a beat, as it had been prone to do in the last couple of weeks every time she so much as looked in Alyssa’s direction.

It was almost becoming too much to handle, the intense feeling she felt every time Alyssa pulled her in for a hug or held her hand or even just bumped their shoulders together.

She tried to switch the feelings off, tell herself that’s what all girls did with their friends, but sometimes she caught Alyssa staring at her for just a bit too long, or squeezing her just a bit too tightly in her arms and her mind wandered before she could help herself, wondering if maybe these gestures could mean something else.

But, of course, that was crazy, Alyssa was one of the most popular kids in school. It was practically a miracle that she even spent any time with Emma, let alone if she felt anything other than a close friendship with her.

So Emma shut that part of her brain down every single time it tried to speak up, blocking the thoughts out before she got her hopes up, or worse, did something stupid that would ruin whatever relationship she already had with Alyssa.

They were friends and that was all, and Emma was lucky to have even gotten to that stage with her. She should be grateful for that, even if every time those brown eyes caught hers, she felt a warmth in her chest that was too wonderful to ignore.

Emma sent a half smile back in Alyssa’s direction, pocketing her phone again and wringing her hands together under the table.

She didn’t need to reply to the text. The pair had become quite good at having silent conversations across classrooms and hallways, their brains always seeming to be on the same wavelength.

That was one of the things Emma loved the most about Alyssa, that she always seemed to get what Emma was thinking or how she was feeling, even just from a look.

 _‘Loved’_ as a friend, nothing more, Emma often reiterated to herself.

It couldn’t be anything more.

She watched as Alyssa stiffened suddenly, following her gaze to the doorway of the classroom as Mrs Greene walked in.

She found herself shrinking down into her seat as the older woman surveyed the classroom as though she owned it, handbag clamped tightly over her shoulder as if someone was about to try and steal it at any moment.

Emma hadn’t been lying the other day when she’d told Alyssa that her mom scared her. She was terrified of the woman.

She knew she had never exactly been in Mrs Greene’s good books, being targeted as ‘the strange kid’ who was never allowed to perform at any school events in case she reflected badly on the school and the PTA even before everyone knew she was gay.

In fact, she was pretty sure Mrs Greene was secretly glad when her parents kicked her out and the rumours about her sexuality spread rapidly around town, just because it gave her a legitimate reason to hate Emma and to exclude her even more from every PTA run activity.

She hadn’t had a direct run-in with the woman up until the week before in Alyssa’s kitchen, and honestly, that was enough Veronica Greene interaction for her whole life.

She watched as the older woman found Alyssa at the front of the classroom, smiling proudly and waving at her, to which Alyssa replied with a robotic wave of her own.

Emma looked away from Alyssa, not wanting to be caught staring and give the woman any more reasons to hate her.

The minute Mrs Greene, or anyone else for that matter, caught wind of her crush on Alyssa it was game over for her.

Game over, time to move to a completely different state, or maybe a different country even, one that had better views on LGBTQ+ people.

Mrs Greene strolled over to Mr Andrews, the debate teacher who had actually decided to make an appearance today instead of leaving everything to Alyssa.

Alyssa had explained to her, in detail, how these practise debate events usually worked.

The main purpose was to practise their debating skills in front of an audience, a kind of trial run before competition season started, and it also allowed Mr Andrews to pick the strongest debaters to take to the competitions on the school team.

Emma wasn’t expecting that to be her, in fact, she was hoping against everything that it wasn’t her and that this would be the only time she ever had to debate in front of an audience.

Sure, with Alyssa’s help she had been getting better at formulating her own points and ideas, and had also found her confidence growing in terms of speaking up as a member of a team, but she still had never debated in front of anyone outside of the debate club, and the thought of it was making her breathing rate increases and her hands shake uncontrollably.

She thought back to Alyssa’s text, _‘you’re good, you’ve got this’_ repeating it over and over in her head like a mantra in an attempt to try and calm down slightly.

Alyssa had told her that usually at their competitions they were given the debate topic, and which side they would be arguing for, in advance, but Mr Andrews liked to keep them on their toes and make the practise debate theme a surprise, just in case they had to rapidly change topics or sides at the actual competition.

They’d done lots of practise during the club meetings on this, and Emma was feeling okay about it, but she was still nervous, trying to think about any possible topics that Mr Andrews could choose.

Well, not Mr Andrews exactly. Alyssa had also told her how somehow, every year without fail, her mother managed to worm her way in to the practise debates, suggesting possible topics and usually presiding over the debates as moderator.

Alyssa reckoned it was only because Mr Andrews had a bit of a thing for her, which Mrs Greene was of course using to her advantage.

The thought of Alyssa’s mom choosing the topic made Emma even more nervous, but Alyssa had assured her that she usually chose something boring and self-centred like ‘PTAs are integral to school structure’ or ‘renting properties is beneficial for real estate prices’.

Emma hoped it was something more PTA orientated, because she had absolutely no idea about anything to do with real estate. Who knew anything about real estate apart from realtors??

The last few seats filled up, the final parents entering and chatting amongst themselves.

Emma had chosen not to tell her gran about the event. She loved her dearly, and she knew she would support her through anything, but she didn’t want her there to witness Emma making a giant fool of herself in the event that anything went wrong. She’d definitely just rather tell her about it after.

She watched as Mr Andrews and Mrs Greene made their way to the front of the room, standing in front of the desks that the debate team were currently sat behind.

Mr Andrews cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention.

‘Hello everyone, and welcome to the first practise debate of this year’s debate season!’

There was a polite smattering of applause and Emma felt her pulse quicken, resisting the urge to look at Alyssa even though she knew it would calm her down.

‘Now, as I’m sure you all know, our debate club have been working very hard on practising for their first competition which takes place in just a few short weeks, and today they’re going to show off just how much they’ve learned in-‘

‘Under the guidance,’ Mrs Greene cut in suddenly, ‘of their very capable captain, my daughter, Alyssa.’

All eyes in the room shifted to Alyssa and Emma watched as she plastered on a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Emma knew her well enough to tell that she was uncomfortable being the focus of the attention, her shoulders stiffening as she shifted awkwardly in her chair, and she tried to shoot her a smile that was supposed to be reassuring.

‘Yes, well,’ said Mr Andrews, attempting to recapture the attention of the room, ‘as I was saying the debate club are going to show you just how much they’ve learnt in the past few weeks.’

He paused for a second, directing his attention towards Mrs Greene.

‘As always,’ he continued, ‘we have the lovely Veronica Greene, head of the PTA, acting as moderator of our debate today, and she assures me that today’s topic is a great one.’

Mrs Greene shot a sickly sweet smile towards the audience, waving the hand that wasn’t still clamped round the strap of her handbag in their direction.

‘So, if we’re all ready, I’ll hand over to Veronica to announce today’s topic, and then our students will have time to organise themselves into teams and then a further 5 minutes to prepare brief opening statements! Good luck everyone!’

With that, Mr Andrews took a seat in the front row, leaving all eyes on Mrs Greene and the debate club members behind her.

Emma took a deep breath, readying her paper to begin taking notes even before the teams had been chosen, just like Alyssa had taught her to, feeling Carrie and Jules on either side of her do the same.

‘Okay then,’ Mrs Greene said brightly, a far cry from the low and menacing voice she’d used with Emma in her kitchen the week before, ‘usually I don’t like to stray too far from my field of expertise when choosing a topic, but I think the theme I’ve chosen for today’s debate is very current, and will be sure to get you all thinking.’

Emma felt the people around her shift forward in anticipation of the topic, and she found herself doing the same, hanging off every word that was coming out of the older woman’s mouth.

She caught Alyssa’s eye from the other side of the room, the other girl mouthing a ‘good luck’ at her with a wink.

She took a deep breath as Mrs Greene opened her mouth.

‘The topic for today’s debate is...’ she paused dramatically, glancing round the room at all of the students before her eyes fixed on Emma, her gaze piercing.

Emma shifted uncomfortably in her seat, immediately looking away as she felt her stomach drop and her cheeks turn red. Why was she looking at her?

A sense of dread began to take over, like something bad was about to happen, and she had the sudden urge to bolt for the door before it could.

She wasn’t fast enough.

‘Should homosexuals be afforded the same rights as normal people?’

For a moment, one perfectly still moment, there was silence.

A complete, unbreakable silence that was so quiet Emma felt like everyone probably heard the moment her heart dropped into her shoes.

It was so silent, that she heard, rather than saw, the moment that all heads in the room swivelled to look in her direction, either following Mrs Greene’s gaze, or just homing in on her like some kind of homophobic gaydar.

She heard the exact moment that pens stopped scribbling, brains stopped thinking, and parents stopped fidgeting.

For a moment, everything was silent and she felt oddly peaceful, like her body was trying to prepare her for what was about to come.

And then suddenly, everything exploded into noise.

Parents were yelling, debate club members were protesting, and Emma was sat in the middle, feeling smaller than she’d ever felt before.

Principal Hawkins stood up, trying to break through the commotion to speak to Mrs Greene, reasoning that perhaps the debate topic wasn’t the most appropriate and that she should choose something different, but it wasn’t long before Mr Andrews was at her side, defending the choice and demanding that the debate be allowed to continue.

To Emma it was all white noise, a buzzing in her ears blocking it all out as she tried to retreat to her happy place in her mind.

She thought of the band closet, the dim light, the dusty shelves, picturing herself curled up next to one of the old crates, the smell of musty books filling her nose.

She thought of guitar strings rough beneath her fingers, the feel of the ageing wood of the band closet door, the itch of the worn carpet through her jeans.

She thought of Alyssa, her arms around her, holding her tight and whispering in her ear, lips close in the way that always made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, the feeling of Alyssa’s hand in hers, soft and warm.

Alyssa.

Emma looked up, trying to find the other girl through the chaos that was still ripping through the classroom.

She found her in a similar position to herself, still sat, pen in hand, frozen as though someone had taken a picture of her right before her mom had announced the topic and blown everything up.

Her eyes suddenly snapped to Emma’s urgently, some hidden message swimming in them that Emma was trying with all her might to understand.

Before she could decipher it, Mr Andrews called the room back into order, trying to regain some kind of control while Mrs Greene continued to bask in the outrage she seemed to have caused.

Emma felt sick.

‘Okay, okay,’ Mr Andrews said loudly, clapping his hands and bringing the attention back to himself, ‘now that we have the topic, I’d like to invite the students to choose which side they would like to argue for.’

Emma resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Somehow, she wasn’t expected the ‘for’ side to be very popular.

‘I think the simplest way to sort this out would be for all the students who wish to argue ‘for’ to move to the right-hand side and all those who wish to argue ‘against’ move to the left.’

Emma stared down at the blank paper in front of her. It was no big shock that she was sat on the right-hand side. At least it meant she didn’t have to move anywhere.

The scraping of the chairs either side of her told her that her fellow debaters, however, were very keen to move.

She sat, head down, eyes trained on the table, while she felt rather than watched the mass exodus of students from the ‘for’ to the ‘against’ side, the stampede of feet shaking the floor and a body or two jostling her chair in a way that couldn’t possibly be accidental.

She waited for the dust to settle, the chairs to stop scraping, the excited chatter to die down, before she chanced a look up, finding herself, predictably, alone on the ‘for’ side.

She blinked, adjusting her glasses as she glanced over to the other side of the room, her peers already scribbling quickly onto their pieces of paper.

The only person who didn’t seem to be involved was Alyssa, who was sat just out of the team huddle, looking, for the first time in her life Emma thought, like an outsider.

She had a strange expression on her face, and she was staring directly at the blank paper in front of her, as though she was trying to project her thoughts directly onto it.

Emma wasn’t disappointed that Alyssa hadn’t moved. She didn’t blame her, especially after the whole thing with her mom, and the fact that this whole debate thing was obviously some elaborate way to get back at Emma for even daring to set foot in her house.

Mr Andrews clapped his hands once again, drawing everyone’s eyes back to him.

‘Now debaters,’ he said, ‘before I can start your 5 minutes of prep time, I’m going to need to make the teams more even.’

There was a groan from the pack of students that had moved away from Emma and she tried not to roll her eyes.

They were constantly talking about how in debate sometimes you had to argue for or against stuff that you didn’t agree with, and yet this was the hill they were choosing to die on.

‘Do we have any volunteers?’

Emma watched as everyone suddenly found something extremely interesting to look at, either somewhere on the floor, or on the table in front of them, their eyes everywhere but looking at Mr Andrews.

A chair scraped as Principal Hawkins stood up.

‘Now everyone,’ he said, his authoritative voice booming around the room, ‘Mr Andrews should have taught you that debate is all about teamwork and collaboration, so some of you are going to have to move over to this side.’

The room was silent again for a moment before Mrs Greene spoke up, her shrill voice cutting through the air.

‘Well, if she’s so passionate about it, why not let her argue for it alone?’

She didn’t miss the way that Mrs Greene avoided saying her name, as though she couldn’t bear to force the sounds out of her mouth.

Principal Hawkins sighed, ‘I know I’m not the debate teacher but I just think it’s a little unfair if-‘

‘I think it’s unfair to make students argue for something that they are clearly very against, I don’t think-‘

‘Yes but Mrs Greene is that not the whole point of debate, that the students sometimes have to argue against things they are passionate-‘

‘I don’t think that applies in this case actually Mr Hawkins because-‘

‘I’ll do it.’

The voice cut through the arguing, all eyes once again turning to land on Alyssa, who had now stood up from her seat.

‘I’ll swap sides.’

She caught Emma’s eye briefly and Emma tried to desperately to shake her head, let her know that she didn’t have to do that, that she didn’t have to put herself in the firing line for her.

But Alyssa took no notice, beginning to scoop up her pen and paper from the desk in front of her, making as though to cross to the other side of the room.

‘Alyssa!’

The voice came before she could take one step and Emma didn’t need to look in its direction to know who it belonged to.

Mrs Greene, who moments before had been looking exceedingly smug, now had a look of horror on her face that Emma would’ve found funny, if not for the fact it was directed at Alyssa.

‘You will not swap onto that team with _her_.’

Mrs Greene’s voice was sharp and clear, spitting out the word ‘her’ as though it left a bad taste in her mouth.

‘Mom-‘ Alyssa began, her voice lower like she was trying to avoid creating a larger scene than her mother already had.

‘No, Alyssa,’ Mrs Greene cut in, ‘I will not have you on that team.’

Emma watched as Alyssa took a deep breath, clearly preparing herself for what she was about to say next.

Emma’s heart raced in her chest for her.

‘We can’t have a debate with teams this uneven,’ she began, a hint of a tremor in her voice, ‘and- and as team captain I feel it should be my responsibility to balance the teams, if- if no one else wants to.’

‘No,’ her mother replied, voice low, ‘as team captain you should delegate and tell someone else to move over to the other side if it’s that important that she have teammates.’

The two Greenes stared at each other for a moment, a stalemate forming that sat heavy in the air of the classroom.

It didn’t seem like either was going to budge, and while she would never compare Alyssa to her mother, in that moment Emma could see where the girl got her stubbornness from.

It was Mr Hawkins who broke the silence.

‘Well, if Alyssa wants to switch teams then she can, seeing as we’ve had no other volunteers and I really need this to be over by 6 so that I can lock up on time.’

Alyssa gave her mother one last look before gathering her things and walking purposefully over to the seat next to Emma and sitting down.

Emma resisted the urge to say anything or even look at the girl beside her while all eyes of the room were on them, biding her time and staring down at her hands on the table instead.

Mrs Greene was still staring at Alyssa, as though trying to hypnotise her back to the other side of the room, but Alyssa was seemingly taking no notice, uncapping her pen and printing ‘Arguments for gay rights’ on her piece of paper in neat cursive.

‘Uh, okay great,’ said Mr Andrews, glancing worriedly at Mrs Greene, ‘um, if I can have Winnie move over there too then we can get this debate started.’

Winnie rolled her eyes and sighed louder than necessary, noisily standing from her chair and shuffling over to Emma’s side.

Emma wasn’t sure how much help she was going to be, seeing as she only turned up to 1 in every 4 debate meets and had never once contributed anything useful to any of their previous debates.

She wondered if Mr Andrews had chosen her on purpose.

The teams were still wildly unbalanced, at 7 against 3, but Mr Andrews seemed satisfied and started the 5 minute timer before anyone else could protest or Mrs Greene could start whatever rant that had been stewing in her head since Alyssa had swapped teams.

As soon as the time started Winnie immediately stood up, saying she needed to use the bathroom and leaving the room without so much as a glance back at Emma and Alyssa.

Emma had a suspicion that she wouldn’t be coming back.

She took a deep breath and turned towards Alyssa, eyes meeting her earnest gaze immediately and a sense of calm flowing over her.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Alyssa whispered, her eyes darting between Emma and her mom, who was still staring at her daughter intently, as though trying to catch Emma doing something untoward to her, ‘I had no idea she was going to do that.’

Emma shrugged, ‘Not your fault.’

There was a pause as they both stared at the page in front of them before Emma spoke again.

‘You didn’t have to do that y’know, move sides I mean.’

‘I know,’ Alyssa said simply, ‘but I didn’t want to leave you on your own. I know you’ve had the best debate teacher around, but I thought maybe you could use some support.’

Emma smiled at this, Alyssa’s joke making her shoulders relax for the first time since she’d entered the classroom.

She marvelled at how Alyssa just knew exactly how to calm her down, whatever situation they were in. She was grateful to her for that.

Alyssa glanced quickly at her mom again before turning her body fully towards Emma and uncapping her pen.

‘So, any ideas?’

~

5 minutes passed quickly and Emma actually found herself enjoying planning their opening statement, in spite of the circumstances.

She’d quickly taken over writing duties from Alyssa, ideas spilling out of her mouth faster than the other girl could write, and she was pleased with the basic script she’d managed to scribble down.

Alyssa had offered to be their spokesperson just before the time ran out but Emma had refused. She knew that, in order to get her message across, she needed to stand up and face Mrs Greene herself.

Because, if she was being honest, she knew she wasn’t just arguing against the other team, but probably also the opinions of basically everyone else in the room, save for Alyssa and Mr Hawkins.

Mrs Greene, who had seemingly managed to regain her composure and tear her eyes away from her daughter for one second, stepped to the front of the room, fake smile plastered unconvincingly back onto her face.

‘Okay everyone,’ she began, her back straight and her voice commanding the attention of the room, ‘now, as I’m sure you all know I usually prefer to start with the team arguing in favour.’

At this she fixed Emma with a steely glare, one that cut straight through her and made her shiver, as though the other woman was trying to obliterate her with one look.

Emma felt Alyssa shift uncomfortably beside her.

‘However,’ she continued, ‘today I think I would like to hear from the opposing team first. Who will be your spokesperson?’

Carrie raised her hand and Mrs Greene nodded, gesturing for Carrie to take the floor and starting the timer.

Carrie cleared her throat, and Emma braced herself for whatever homophobic tirade she was about to hear.

‘We believe that homosexuals should not be afforded the same rights as us.’

_Strike one- why did they insist on always saying homosexual, like gay was a dirty word or something?_

‘In fact, we would like to argue that we believe that homosexuals in the present time have too many rights as it is.’

_Strike 2- too many rights?_

‘Times have changed since being a homosexual was illegal, and we believe that this is a huge right that many campaigners overlook. Have heterosexual people ever had been granted this freedom? No, which demonstrates that homosexuals have already taken advantage of more rights than we have every been afforded?’

_Strike 3- were they complaining about the fact that being straight was never illegal? Like, seriously??_

‘On this subject, we would also like to bring in the point that many cities now hold gay pride celebrations, while straight pride is very often overlooked. How can these people say that they need more rights when they are already enjoying luxuries such as celebrations that straight people have never had access to, or never been allowed to celebrate themselves?

_Strike 4- gay pride started as a protest, straight pride started because some cis, straight, white people were bored one day._

‘And finally, a further example of the rights that homosexuals are already afforded is gay marriage. This breaks centuries old religious codes that should never have been broken, breaking the sanctity of marriage itself and forcing heterosexual people to marry into sin. We should not have to be forced to be gay married too, this is not what was set out in the bible.’

_Strike 5- did they think that now gay marriage was legal, all marriages were gay? That- that didn’t even make sense._

‘In summary, we would argue that actually, homosexuals have been afforded, and continue to benefit from, more rights than straight people, and so the suggestion that they should be equal is absurd. Thank you for your time.’

Carrie finished to a loud applause, parents in the audience nodding their heads in agreement.

From her seat at the front, Mrs Greene seemed very pleased, looking between Carrie and Emma as though she was waiting for some big reaction, as if Emma was about to break down in tears or storm out of the room.

Emma just felt bewildered. What had just happened?

Did everyone in the room seriously think that those were good points that made logical sense?

She had half a mind to rip her notes up and start again, her main argument being that gay people should have equal rights because straight people clearly didn’t have any brains to enjoy theirs with.

She was pulled from her thoughts by Mrs Greene turning her attention to her team, eyes narrowing as she focused on Emma.

‘Thank you Carrie,’ she said, ‘a very well structured argument. Now, who from this team will be speaking. I imagine it will be _you_?’

She directed this at Emma, a warning tone in her voice as though to tell Alyssa that Emma, and Emma alone, was who she was expecting to hear from.

Emma nodded shakily, nerves suddenly rising in her chest as she felt the eyes of the audience turn towards her.

She took a deep breath, steeling herself as she made to stand up, but not before she felt a subtle squeeze of her leg from Alyssa under the table.

She glanced down at the other girl as she stood, Alyssa offering her a small smile of encouragement as she picked up her notes with shaky hands.

‘Take it away,’ Mrs Greene said, somewhat menacingly, and Emma swallowed thickly before opening her mouth to begin.

Suddenly, it felt like the walls of the classroom were closing in, the air around her feeling so thick that she was struggling to force it in and out of her lungs.

She knew it was in her head, she knew she was just panicking. She just had to catch her breath, just breathe normally and read.

She looked down at the paper in her trembling hands, the words swimming around the page as her vision blurred.

She adjusted her glasses, squinting through them in an effort to make the words stop moving, but this only served to panic her more, her chest now heaving as she desperately tried to get herself back in control.

‘I-uh,’ she managed, thinking that maybe forcing some words, any words, out of her mouth would clear the fog that was now seeping into her brain.

But the words felt like sand in her mouth and her throat began to dry up and try as she might, she couldn’t force anything else out.

A snicker from one of the members of the other team sent her brain into overdrive, her fight or flight instinct kicking in, all of her muscles screaming at her to bolt, to run out of the room, far away from all the disapproving eyes that were currently burning holes in her skin.

She was just about to do just that, give in and run for the door, when she felt a hand placed softly on her arm.

She tore her eyes away from the paper to see Alyssa, worry swirling in her eyes, gesturing towards the notes in her hand.

‘Let me,’ she said, voice low and eyes reassuring, grounding Emma in the way that only she could.

Emma found herself nodding soundlessly, passing the paper carefully to Alyssa before sinking back down into her seat, resisting the urge to bury her head in her hands and try and block everything out.

She felt Alyssa’s posture straighten next to her, and she knew she was going into her ‘debate mode’, with perfect posture and crisp, clear pronunciation designed to drive every point she made home.

A disapproving noise came from somewhere in the front row, Emma guessed probably Mrs Greene, as Alyssa began to read from the paper.

‘For centuries, members of the LGBTQ+ community have been marginalised, discriminated against, bullied, and largely ignored with regard to their rights. Whenever they have been afforded any rights, these have been basic, and there has always been an uproar that is equally as loud as the celebration surrounding them. It is for this reason that we must do more to fight for equality and afford members of the community fairer and more explicit rights.’

Emma suppressed a smile. The words sounded good falling from Alyssa’s mouth, and while she would have liked to read it herself, she thought that the other girl would probably make a better job of it than her anyway.

‘Members of the LGBTQ+ community may seem scary to the uneducated but we- uh, I mean um _they_ -‘ Alyssa stumbled suddenly and a bolt of panic shot through Emma’s chest.

She’d written her notes as though she was going to read them, in first person. She’d thought it would be easier for her to read that way.

She hadn’t banked on Alyssa taking over.

‘Sorry,’ Alyssa corrected, ‘but _they_ are just like everyone else. The only thing that sets us- sorry, _them_ apart is who they love, a feeling that all of us here in this room know. Why should we have less- no um, why should _they_ have less rights just because of something as simple as love?’

A murmur began to pass through the crowd as Alyssa struggled on, the implication of the pronouns not being lost on the audience, despite the fact it was pretty clear that it was Emma who had written the words, not Alyssa.

Emma glanced over at Mrs Greene, whose face was growing redder by the second.

Someone in the row behind her leant over and whispered something in her ear, something which she inevitably found deeply offensive by the way her head snapped round and the look she gave the perpetrator.

Emma didn’t have to think very hard into what could have possibly been said.

Still, Alyssa soldiered on, clearly wanting to do justice to the words that Emma had written.

‘The simple fact is that while it may seem like times have changed, we- _they_ are still treated differently by many different people and organisations and it would be unfair to say that we- that _they_ are afforded the same rights as straight members of our community. As a lesbian, I- no wait-‘

An audible gasp went through the crowd, and Alyssa’s eyes went wide, looking frantically between her mother and Emma as she tried to correct herself. Her mother, who was looking like she was about ready to explode.

‘I’m not- I didn’t mean- it’s written from Emma’s point of view, I- I’m not a-‘

By this point she was yelling, struggling to be heard over the clamour of voices that were now outwardly expressing their outrage, Mrs Greene sat seething at the centre of a storm she had inadvertently created herself.

‘That’s ENOUGH!’ she said all of a sudden, surging to her feet from her chair and advancing towards Emma’s desk, a look of unadulterated hate in her eyes.

‘These are not my daughter’s words, _she_ ,’ she spat, pointing at Emma, ‘did this, she made Alyssa read this out so that she could try and turn her, try and poison her with her homosexual beliefs.’

Emma’s eyes went wide, and Alyssa stiffened at her side.

‘No, mom, it’s not- it was just a mistake while I was reading,’ Alyssa tried, ‘it’s not Emma’s fault.’

But Mrs Greene wasn’t listening.

Without warning, her hand shot out and grabbed Alyssa by the arm, pulling her roughly away from where she stood at Emma’s side until she was stood next to her mom, a protective arm snaking around her shoulders.

‘I’m sorry, Mr Andrews, Mr Hawkins, but I cannot allow my daughter to be part of any debate when _she’s_ involved.’ she said, motioning towards Emma.

Alyssa tried to protest, but her mother ignored her, steering her towards the classroom door with the arm that was still locked around her shoulders.

Emma could do nothing but watch helplessly as Alyssa, tripping over her feet as her mom practically dragged her, was pulled out of the classroom.

* * *

Alyssa flopped onto her bed, the events of that afternoon running through her head.

She’d spent the rest of the afternoon, and most of the evening, trying to calm her mom down, assuring her over and over that she wasn’t actually a lesbian and that she’d just read it from the paper by accident.

And honestly, judging from her mom’s reaction to her even accidentally saying she was gay, she was glad that she wasn’t actually a lesbian.

She didn’t think either of them would be able to deal with that.

She pulled out her phone, checking her text thread with Emma.

She’d texted the other girl as soon as she could after she’d got home, and Emma had assured her that she was okay, if not a little shaken, and a whole lot more terrified of her mom than she had been before.

She rubbed her temples, feeling a headache brewing just under the skin as she closed her eyes, suddenly exhausted after her long day.

She shot off a quick goodnight text to Emma, telling her she’d see her the next day in their usual spot, before placing her phone on her nightstand and crawling beneath her sheets.

The moment her head it her pillow, she found herself back in the school hallway, back in the dream that she didn’t want to keep having.

She let the dream progress as it usually did, walking down the hallway and waiting for the appearance of the blonde boy before taking his hand and carrying on the familiar route to the exit doors.

There was an oddly calming feeling to the familiarity of it all, the predictability, that Alyssa found herself enjoying despite the frustrating circumstances.

She went through the motions, allowing herself to be pulled into his side, a soft kiss being placed on her cheek before she reached a hand up to the back of his neck, her eyes fluttering shut as she leant in.

She kept moving, waiting for the inevitable peal of her alarm, or the jolt as she woke up of her own accord, the dream fading into nothingness like it always did.

But nothing came.

She paused a moment, eyes still closed, his breath on her lips. She’d never managed to stay in the dream this long before.

All of a sudden, she was overcome by the scent of vanilla wafting from his hair and she found herself smiling, the familiarity of it comforting in a way she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

Where had she smelt that before?

She steeled herself. If she really was being allowed to stay in the dream, did that mean she was finally able to see who her mystery boyfriend was?

Her heart jumped in her chest in anticipation and she took a deep breath, readying herself for whoever she was about to see in front of her.

She cracked open one eye, realising that she was a lot closer to whoever it was than she’d first anticipated.

She opened her other eye slowly, being met by two hazel eyes looking back at her, their surfaces flecked with gold that almost shimmered as it caught the light.

She frowned a little as she pulled back slightly, noticing the glasses that framed the eyes, balanced carefully on the bridge of a nose which was dotted with freckles.

There was something so familiar about those eyes, the freckles, the glasses, she just couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

It was almost like-

Without warning, the figure in front of her took a step back, their whole face now visible as they took her hands in theirs.

Alyssa’s eyes went wide, their full face finally revealed.

Emma stood in front of her, a bashful smile on her face, her fingers tracing soothing patterns on the back of Alyssa’s hands.

‘Hey,’ she said shyly, taking a step closer so that their bodies were flush together, her cheeks colouring ever so slightly in the way that they were prone to do.

Alyssa just stared.

It couldn’t be. It didn’t make sense.

Her brain must have just gotten confused, the events of that afternoon projecting Emma into her dream in a place that she shouldn’t be.

Because it couldn’t be Emma.

It couldn’t be Emma whose hand had fit perfectly in hers, it couldn’t be Emma who had kissed her softly on the cheek, it couldn’t be Emma that she had felt an urge, an overwhelming necessity, to kiss.

It couldn’t be Emma who was standing intoxicatingly close to her in that moment, hands snaking round until they came to rest on the small of her back, head tilting ever so slightly in a way that made Alyssa’s eyes drop suddenly to her lips.

It couldn’t be Emma who was edging closer, eyes fixed on Alyssa’s lips, her breath warm on Alyssa’s face as Alyssa rose on her tiptoes to meet her.

It couldn’t be Emma whose lips felt-

Her alarm cut through the haze of the dream, Alyssa sitting bolt upright in her bed with wide eyes.

Her hand rose to her lips, her fingers ghosting over where she had just- where her and Emma had just-

It didn’t make sense, it couldn’t make sense.

It had been a boy, a man, a male, she was sure of it. She was sure of it because she was straight and she only wanted to kiss boys.

It couldn’t possibly be anyone else.

It couldn’t be Emma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we go!! Good job, you made it!!! I hope you enjoyed and that the wait was worth it, and I hope the wait for the next one won't be too long.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are always appreciated, if only to let me know you made it to the end of this monster chapter!! But seriously, I always love to hear what you guys think so far!!!
> 
> Stay safe, and I'll see you all soon!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alyssa acts weird and the debate team takes a trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi pals, me again, back for more shenanigans. I hope you're all keeping well and I hope that I'm not taking too long between chapters!! This one is another big one, at around 9k words, so I hope that makes up for my slowness!! I've set myself the target of updating at least once a week, so hopefully I'll have the next chapter ready for you all by next Saturday!!
> 
> As always, shoutout to Syd (onethingsuniversal) for harassing me until i wrote this and for boosting my ego whenever i sent over parts of it to read.
> 
> TW for some bad language, panic attacks and lots of internalised homophobia

Alyssa was acting weird.

It was now a few days after the whole debate fiasco, and she had been acting strangely ever since.

Emma couldn’t wrap her head around it.

Her replies to messages, which had once been long and well thought out, Emma’s screen filling with all of her thoughts and feelings being sent out into the universe for only her to see, were now short and blunt, if they even came at all.

It seemed as though she had been avoiding the band closet, and Emma, completely as well, texting 5 minutes into the start of lunch the day after the debate to let Emma know that she couldn’t make it because some ‘emergency tutoring’ had come up.

The kind of emergency tutoring that also happened to occur the next two times they were supposed to meet, and also seemed to coincide with Alyssa showing up on either Kaylee or Shelby’s Instagram story, usually sitting way too close to some boy that Emma had never seen before in the cafeteria.

Alyssa, in fact, became a regular feature on Kaylee and Shelby’s social media, appearing in post after post and story after story, despite telling Emma previously that she didn’t buy in to the whole ‘perfect life’ thing that social media often projected.

It felt like every day Emma had to endlessly click through pictures and videos of Alyssa at the mall with all of her friends, Alyssa at cheer practise with all of her buddies, Alyssa at a sleepover with all of her pals, and Alyssa at some party draped over some other guy, squealing delightedly as the ‘spin the bottle’ bottle landed on her. 

Emma had quickly clicked off that last one before she saw anything else, visions of Alyssa finally finding her mysterious blonde boy floating round her mind, a spike of jealousy embedding itself in her heart.

It didn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter. It was just another reminder of how different her and Alyssa were, how it was a miracle they’d even become friends in the first place.

Alyssa Greene, surrounded by friends and boyfriends and popularity and happiness versus Emma Nolan, alone and isolated, sitting by herself every lunchtime in a band closet that seemed just that little bit more empty now she didn’t have anyone to share it with. 

She spent a lot of time thinking it over, trying to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong, the moment Alyssa came to her senses and realised who she’d been hanging out with for weeks.

She couldn’t say she was surprised.

She’d spent the early days of their friendship waiting patiently for the other shoe to drop, for Alyssa to abandon her carelessly the moment she stopped being useful, or fun to be around.

But the longer they’d been friends, and the more their friendship had blossomed, Emma had found herself letting her guard down, giving herself fully to Alyssa in the belief that she was there for the long run.

What an idiot she was.

The worst part was that she couldn’t even bring herself to hate the other girl, however much she tried.

Because deep down, somewhere in her chest, tucked under a rib perhaps, was the thought that it probably wasn’t entirely Alyssa’s doing.

It didn’t seem like a coincidence that she’d stopped talking to Emma the day after the debate, and recently Emma’s dreams had been filled with visions of Mrs Greene with handbag in hand, whispering poisonous words into Alyssa’s ear until she had no choice but to listen. 

Emma may have won the battle by causing an upset at the debate, but Mrs Greene, as always, had won the war. 

After a week of weirdness, Emma decided she’d finally had enough.

She was on her way to the band closet to collect her stuff after waiting for the dust to settle after the final bell had rung for the day, when she found herself down the hall from Alyssa’s locker, a flash of brown curls drawing her eye immediately.

The other girl seemed to be struggling to stuff a particularly hefty textbook into her locker, and before Emma could stop herself, her feet were taking her in Alyssa’s direction.

There was no one else around, save for a few freshmen who were distracted by something on their phones, which would usually give Emma an opportunity to stop and properly speak to Alyssa, instead of just swapping a look and a shy smile with her as they usually did.

Before, Alyssa had always made the effort to talk to Emma whenever she could, checking in on her and seeing how everything was going with her day. But it wasn’t before anymore.

Emma caught Alyssa glancing up at her as she walked closer before quickly burying her head further into her locker, her shoving becoming more frantic as if she was trying to finish her task and escape before Emma could get any closer.

Emma looked around quickly before coming to a stop a few feet away, trying to work up the courage to say something.

This was the first time that they’d been alone together since before the debate, and Emma found that suddenly she’d forgotten how to interact with Alyssa, all the familiarity that seems to come with friendship just out of her reach.

‘Alyssa,’ she said, the other girl jumping slightly, the book in her hands clattering to the floor, the sound echoing loudly in the empty corridor.

She turned slowly, as though trying to take as much time before she had to actually see Emma as possible.

When she did turn completely, Emma felt her heart skip a beat. Sure, she’d seen Alyssa briefly in the hallways, and stared at the back of her head for long enough in their shared classes, but the sight of Alyssa looking at her and only her with those deep brown eyes made her forget every word that was in her head.

Well, looking _at_ her was perhaps an overstatement. Alyssa was actually staring somewhere above Emma’s head, as though she couldn’t bring herself to properly look at the girl in front of her.

Emma felt her cheeks colour and her heart rate increase, struggling to think of what she could actually say now that she had Alyssa’s attention, her eyes trying to map every detail of her face, just in case this truly was the last time they would interact.

Alyssa didn’t say anything either and Emma saw her swallow thickly, her eyes darting nervously around the wall behind Emma.

Emma took a deep breath, psyching herself up and trying to remember how to string a sentence together. It was clear that Alyssa was not going to take the initiative, so it would have to be her who spoke first.

Maybe, if she acted like nothing had happened, maybe Alyssa would too and they could get back to normal. 

‘Uh, how have you been?’ she asked, trying to keep her voice bright, ‘I uh, I haven’t seen you properly in a while.’

Alyssa scuffed her shoe on the tiled floor, looking left and right as though searching for an exit, or someone to save her from having to answer Emma’s question. 

‘E-Emma,’ she replied, stuttering over the name as though it had become lodged in her throat, ‘I can’t- I can’t do this right now. I’ve got to go.’

Before Emma could even begin to formulate a response, Alyssa had taken off, scooping up her fallen book and walking purposefully in the direction of the exit without so much as a look back, her curls bouncing as she went.

Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, Emma felt an anger coursing through her veins.

Why did Alyssa think it was okay to treat her like that? What had she even done?

She was filled with the sudden urge to do…something, something that would, not hurt Alyssa, but show her that she was sick of being treated as if she was nothing to her.

She checked her watch quickly before turning and marching in the direction of the English hallway, and Mr Andrews’ classroom.

It had been Alyssa who had convinced her to keep going to that damn debate club, and so quitting seemed like a pretty good way of getting her point across to her.

A big old fuck you Alyssa Greene, look at all those hours you wasted coaching and trying to help. Hours that Emma was now about the throw away.

She just hoped that Mr Andrews was still there.

As she rounded the corner, she nearly walked straight into Principal Hawkins, sidestepping at the last minute to avoid knocking the older man over.

‘Emma!’ he said cheerfully, coming to a halt in front of her, ‘Just the person I was hoping to see!’

Emma frowned, ‘I am?’

‘Yes,’ he replied, ‘I was just talking to Mr Andrews about you.’

‘You were?’

‘Walk with me,’ he continued, turning back in the direction he had just come from, ‘we can go and speak to him together.’

Emma followed dutifully behind him, a sense of dread building in her gut.

Mr Hawkins knocked when he reached Mr Andrews’ door, the other man offering a slightly disgruntled smile as the pair entered.

‘Look who I found!’ Principal Hawkins said brightly, gesturing to Emma who found herself waving awkwardly at Mr Andrews.

‘Mr Andrews and I were just discussing the debate competition this weekend,’ Mr Hawkins continued, ‘Now, I know that you perhaps didn’t have the best experience at the practise the other day, but I- well, Mr Andrews and I can both see that you have real potential.’

‘You…can?’ Emma asked uncertainly.

Had they been at the same debate that she had been at the other day? Had they not seen the way her hands had been shaking, or the way that she couldn’t get a single word out of her mouth when it was her turn to speak?

‘Yes,’ the principal continued, ‘I’m so keen for you to do well on this team Emma and so, I hope you don’t mind, but I made a special request to Mr Andrews to put you on the competition team for this weekend!’

Emma’s heart dropped and her eyes went wide, ‘No- uh, I- Its okay I-‘

‘You’ll only be a reserve, just there in case anything happens to anyone on the team, but Mr Andrews assures me that’s the role new members usually take at competitions, so I’m hoping you’ll be okay to step into it.’

Emma glanced at Mr Andrews. The man didn’t seem particularly thrilled about Emma being part of the team, but she also figured that he looked like man who didn’t want to lose his job by disagreeing with his boss. She imagined her place on the team was very much temporary.

She had to feel a bit sorry for the guy, stuck in between Mr Hawkins and Mrs Greene. That really was the definition of a rock and a hard place.

Principal Hawkins was looking at her expectantly, like he was expecting her to jump for joy or shake his hand and thank him profusely. She shifted awkwardly under his gaze.

‘Uh,’ she began, unsure of how to even respond, ‘I, uh, I really appreciate it, all of this but- well, I was actually coming to tell Mr Andrews that I wanted to quit debate.’

Mr Hawkins’ eyes widened and Mr Andrews looked almost relieved.

‘But Emma,’ the principal began, ‘you have so much promise here! It would be such a shame for you to throw it all away! Is this because of the debate the other day?

Emma shrugged, ‘Yes and no, I guess. I just- I don’t think I’m the right kind of person for debate. Plus, let’s be real, no one actually wants me on the team so-‘

‘Nonsense!’ replied Mr Hawkins, ‘Alyssa Greene was more than happy to be your teammate last week, I’m sure she’ll be excited to hear you’re on the team.’

_I’m sure she’ll be anything but_ , thought Emma, wincing at the mention of the other girl’s name.

‘Please Emma, just try it?’ Principal Hawkins pleaded, ‘Its one weekend, that’s all, plus its in Indianapolis so its not too far from home. Just one weekend and then if you hate it its fine, we’ll find another extracurricular for you to join.’

_Oh boy, another extracurricular?_

Emma adjusted her glasses nervously, feeling backed into a corner that she couldn’t escape from.

She really shouldn’t say yes. She really should just stand her ground and tell Mr Andrews that she wanted to go through with quitting. She should really just-

‘Okay, I guess,’

The words left her mouth before she’d fully given them permission, and she sighed inwardly as she realised that now she couldn’t take them back.

Principal Hawkins looked thrilled, while Mr Andrews was outwardly looking how she felt inside.

‘Excellent news!’ said the Principal, clapping his hands together, ‘Now let’s get all the details sorted out and then we’ll get you a permission slip for your gran to sign.’

~

By the time Emma managed to leave Mr Andrews’ classroom, somehow signed up to an overnight trip to a debate contest that she didn’t actually want to go to, it was over an hour past final bell.

She trudged down the empty hallways in the direction of the band closet, the sound of a janitor whistling somewhere echoing down the halls.

God, how was she going to explain this to her gran, especially after how she’d reacted when Emma had told her about the incident the other day.

She’d basically had to physically restrain her from picking up the phone and immediately calling first Principal Hawkins, and then Mrs Greene herself, and Emma wasn’t entirely certain that her gran hadn’t managed to give the woman a piece of her mind while she wasn’t looking.

She arrived at the band closet, pulling the key out of her pocket and unlocking the door without even looking, muscle memory taking over from all the thousands of times she’d had to do it while looking over her shoulder.

She pushed open the door, flicking on the light switch and crossing the room to start packing her bag with all of the books she needed that day for her assignments.

Just as she was finishing up, snapping the clasp closed on her bag, something in the corner of the room caught her eye.

One of the crates had been moved to a different position.

It was usually placed in the middle of the room, often being used as a seat by Emma and Alyssa because it was the biggest in the closet, however now it was much closer to the wall, as though someone had been trying to box themselves into the corner so that they couldn’t be seen.

Emma frowned, walking over to the box and checking behind it, but finding no one there.

She was sure she hadn’t moved it, and it hadn’t been like that at lunchtime, which meant that someone had been in there between then and now.

She surveyed the rest of the room, looking for anything else out of place, her eyes falling on the trashcan by the door.

It usually ended up full of various wrappers and leftovers from her lunch, and she made sure to empty it every few days.

That day had been one of those days and she had taken it with her, dumping it in one of the bigger trashcans in the hallway before English, so it should still have been empty.

Instead, it appeared to be full of tissues, all balled tightly, some shredded as though someone had been picking at them before throwing them away.

There was no doubt in her mind that someone else had been in there after her, and an ache blossomed in her chest as she weighed up the options of who it could’ve been, who else had a key to the closet.

There was Miss Gomez, the music teacher, but honestly Emma was pretty sure there were a thousand more places in the school that the teachers went to cry, and she had never come across a scene like this in the band closet before.

Which, of course, only left one other person.

Emma thought back to her encounter with Alyssa in the hallway, replaying the moment she’d walked away again in her head.

She’d assumed that Alyssa was heading for the exit, but she’d also set off in the direction of the music hallway, so it was possible she’d headed to the band closet instead.

Images of Alyssa curled up in the corner behind the crate, eyes screwed shut and tears patterning her face, flashed through Emma’s mind, a sharp pain embedding itself in her chest just above her heart.

Without thinking she pulled out her phone, opening her text thread with Alyssa, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

_are u okay???_

She typed before deleting it quickly. It was a stupid question, it was evident that Alyssa was probably not okay.

_did i do something??_

Maybe it had been her? Why else would Alyssa have gone to the band closet right after Emma had tried to have a conversation with her?

She deleted the message again.

_i wish you’d talk to me_

God, that sounded desperate.

_i miss you_

Definitely not.

Emma closed the messages app, pocketing her phone before she could send anything that she would regret later.

If Alyssa wanted to talk to her, she would talk to her. Until then, she just had to trust she was okay, whatever was going on.

She hated that she cared so much, but she couldn’t work out how to not care. She didn’t even know if she wanted to not care.

Sighing, she shouldered her bag, checking the time before heading out of the door.

Just before she turned off the light, she grabbed the bag from the trashcan, dumping it in one of the bigger ones in the hallway on her way out.

* * *

‘Honey, you look like you haven’t slept in days.’

Alyssa rolled her eyes as her mom turned her back, slumping down further in her seat at the table, homework assignment in front of her long forgotten.

‘I hope you’ve been conserving energy for the contest this weekend.’

‘Yes mom,’ Alyssa said around a yawn, feeling her eyes begin to droop as she buried her head in her hands.

Her mom wasn’t far off, she really hadn’t slept in days.

Well, she’d tried not to, staying up until 4 or 5 each morning in an attempt to stay awake all night, to stop any chance at all of her dreaming the dream that had plagued her nights since she’d finally worked out who she was dreaming about.

It never worked though, she never succeeded.

Around 3am her eyes would begin to droop and before long she’d find herself back in the hallway, Emma at her side, that magnetic pull she couldn’t escape forcing them together, forcing her into Emma’s arms until all she could see and feel and smell and taste was the girl in front of her.

It wasn’t that she found the dreams unpleasant, in fact as it turned out, dream Alyssa very much enjoyed herself every night, but she knew she couldn’t be dreaming them, she shouldn’t be dreaming them.

Because if she was dreaming them, then that meant at some point she would have to confront what they actually meant, what her subconscious was trying to tell her.

Well, not so much tell, more like point out with a big flashing arrow that Alyssa was desperately trying her best to ignore.

And that also meant ignoring the real-life version of the girl she couldn’t stop dreaming about.

Alyssa knew she was acting like a jerk. It was painfully clear to her in the way that Emma’s messages became shorter and shorter until they eventually stopped, evidently too put off by her blunt responses, or in the way that she would catch Emma glancing at her from across the hallway, a look of sadness in her eye that would immediately turn to steel as soon as she noticed Alyssa looking.

She didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to act, to make it better, the more she pushed Emma away, the shittier she found herself feeling.

Besides, all of it had been for nothing anyway. For every inch she pushed real Emma away, dream Emma seemed to creep an inch closer, her hands seemed to explore an inch further, her lips seemed just an inch too far away.

She’d tried everything she could think of.

Hanging out with Kaylee and Shelby basically 24/7 hadn’t worked, nor had their endless trips to the mall, or their constant sleepovers, at which Alyssa was too scared to even try and sleep for fear of something falling out of her mouth while she was asleep that would give her away.

She’d even tried throwing herself at various guys, most of which had spent the last few years of high school trying desperately to win the title of ‘Alyssa Greene’s first boyfriend’.

She’d tried to like being with them, tried to like enjoying their company, and for a while she thought that everything would be fine.

She didn’t mind the way Greg’s arm had felt slung around her shoulders, or the way her cheeks flushed when Kyle gave her some cheesy compliment, and if she thought hard enough, eyes screwed closed as she lay in bed at night trying not to sleep, she guessed she didn’t mind the thought of them kissing her.

She wanted to kiss boys, so it was all fine. She had to want to kiss boys.

It had all become not fine at that stupid party the weekend before, her vision hazy from one too many drinks as she found herself curled up in Greg’s lap watching a game of Spin the Bottle.

She’d laughed gleefully when the bottle had landed on her and Greg, the still sober part of her brain telling her that this was it, this was the moment to prove that she was normal and that everything was fine.

But as he’d leaned in, the scent of his cologne mixing with the alcohol on his breath, she’d been overcome by a panic, a sense that everything was wrong, a sick feeling that she somehow knew, deep down, wasn’t anything to do with the alcohol.

She’d freaked out before anything could happen, running to the bathroom so that she could blame it on the alcohol if anyone asked, pressing her head to the cool bathroom tiles while she tried to stop images of the one person she truly wanted to kiss from flashing through her mind.

That had been strike one, and then Emma had approached her in the hallway the other day, and the walls that she had been trying so carefully to construct, brick after brick designed to keep even the idea of Emma out, had come crashing down around her.

She couldn’t even look at her, couldn’t even talk to her, her name lodging itself in the back of her throat until she was forced to choke it out.

Since when had it been so hard to breathe when Emma was around? Or had it always been like that, but she had just been too naïve to notice?

It had broken her heart to walk away, to shrug Emma off with some badly thought out excuse that neither of them believed, but she didn’t know what else to do.

She really wasn’t sure what would happen if she found herself alone with Emma again. Even the thought of it scared her.

So really, it was for the best. Avoiding Emma was the best thing she could do in this situation, even if it meant she had to sit alone in the band closet, everything reminding her of the other girl as she tried to control her breathing, squeezing her eyes shut against the barrage of tears that didn’t seem to want to stop.

And if, after everything, she ended up making Emma hate her, well, maybe it was for the best.

Maybe that was exactly what she deserved.

~

The debate club stood awkwardly in the lobby of the slightly-nicer-than-budget hotel the school had booked for them in Indianapolis, while Mr Andrews argued with the woman behind the desk about the price of the rooms, or something equally as boring.

Alyssa looked around the lobby, the tacky décor and fake plants providing only momentary distractions from what she was actively trying to avoid looking at.

Or rather, _who_ she was trying to avoid looking at.

Emma stood on her own on the other side of the lobby, hands fidgeting nervously with the sleeves of her flannel, a faraway look on her face.

Alyssa wanted nothing more than to go over to her, ask her how she was, crack some terrible joke to wipe the anxiety she was evidently feeling away, but she knew she couldn’t.

She had been surprised when she’d read Emma’s name on the team sheet, after all Mr Andrews did basically everything that her mom said, and she didn’t think that her mom would be begging him to put Emma on the team.

Surprise quickly turned to dread though, when she realised this meant spending an extra 2 days, the days she was usually safe from even so much as glimpsing Emma in the hallway, with the other girl.

At least she wouldn’t have to share a room with her. She was positive that her mother would have made sure that nothing like that could happen.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by Carrie sidling up to her.

‘Oh my god, ‘Lyssa, if you’re gonna stare at someone, at least make it subtle!’

‘Huh?’ Alyssa said, eyes widening in panic, ‘I wasn’t- who was I- I didn’t mean-’

‘Aww,’ cut in Carrie, ‘looks like someone’s a little flustered. I didn’t know you had it so bad.’

‘I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Alyssa replied, trying to repress the sick feeling that was creeping into her stomach.

Fuck.

She’d done the one thing that she’d told herself not to do, and now she’d been caught. Within about 2 seconds.

Way to go Alyssa.

Panic began to seep into her chest. Would Carrie tell?

She’d managed to fan the flames of her accidental coming out while reading Emma’s speech in the debate the previous week, and she was pretty sure that no one actually believed she was a lesbian, even while she was reading it, but what if Carrie told everyone and she was forced to defend herself again?

One rumour about you being gay could be quickly snuffed out and forgotten, but two in the space of a few weeks- that had to be more than a coincidence.

She didn’t even know if she was- if she was gay, and she didn’t need people making their own minds up about it before she’d even worked it out herself.

She turned to Carrie, her hands beginning to shake, ‘Please don’t tell anyone. I can’t- no one else can know. Please.’

Carrie gave her a knowing look, seemingly oblivious to the panic that was coursing through her body.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said with a wink, ‘your secret’s safe with me. And for the record, I think he’s cute too.’

Confusion cut through Alyssa’s relief. Had Carrie said ‘he’?

‘Wait,’ she said quickly, ‘who are you talking about?’

Carrie looked at her like she was speaking another language, ‘Kyle? The guy you’ve been staring at for the past 10 minutes. Who else would I be talking about?’

Alyssa looked back over to where Emma was now examining an unconvincing plastic leaf, noticing Kyle deep in conversation with Jules just behind her.

She breathed a sigh of relief.

‘Ohh, right yeah,’ she said, laughing a bit too hard to be convincing, ‘haha yeah, you got me, he’s um, he’s super cute, right? Uh, yeah, please don’t tell him.’

Carrie grinned at her gleefully, ‘I knew it!! Ugh, you guys would be so cute together. Y’know I-‘

Thankfully, at that moment Mr Andrews returned from the front desk with a handful of keycards, cutting off whatever Carrie was about to say about Alyssa and Kyle as a couple as he began to sort out the room assignments.

Alyssa didn’t really pay attention, already knowing that she was pretty much guaranteed to be paired with Carrie on her mother’s orders, too wrapped up in the relief that her staring hadn’t been as obvious as she’d first thought.

Sure enough, her and Carrie ended up in room 217, and she began to mentally prepare herself for the amount of questions she was going to have to field about her and Kyle that night.

Just as they were about to enter the elevator to get to the second floor, Jess appeared beside her.

‘Hey, Alyssa, how’s it going?’ she asked brightly.

‘Uh, good?’ Alyssa replied, already confused by the interaction. Her and Jess never really interacted outside of debate, and she wasn’t sure what the other girl could possibly have to say to her.

‘Great,’ the other girl continued, a strange smile on her face, ‘I have kind of a favour to ask you.’

Ah, that made more sense.

‘You see, Carrie and I decided to share a suitcase so that we didn’t have to bring as much, and obviously you’re in a room with her, with your own suitcase, so, well, I was wondering if maybe you would swap with me, just so its easier for me to get my stuff and everything.’

Alyssa considered the proposition, Jess looking at her with her best pleading face. She felt like there was something she was missing about the request, but she didn’t see why she couldn’t swap. She wasn’t exactly crazy about sharing a room with Carrie anyway, so it didn’t make much difference to her.

‘Uh, yeah okay,’ she replied, being met with a squeal and a weak hug from Jess, before her keycard was being snatched out of her hand and being replaced with a new one before she even had time to process what was going on.

She stared at the number on the card, 347, before taking the elevator to the third floor in search of her new room.

~

Room 347 was right at the end of a stupidly long corridor, and by the time Alyssa had dragged her suitcase up to the door, she was ready to collapse straight onto the bed and drift off to sleep, not caring what dreams did or did not come.

She slotted the keycard into the door, turning the handle and dragging her bag in behind her, noting that the light was already on, so whoever she was sharing with was already inside.

Before she could even look up to see who it was, a voice froze her in her tracks.

‘Great.’

The sarcasm oozed from the word as it fell from Emma’s mouth, and Alyssa swallowed nervously before looking up.

Her breath caught in her throat as she was met with a very pissed looking Emma Nolan, her hands balled into fists at her side and her eyebrows raised expectantly at Alyssa.

At least now she understood why Jess had been so keen to swap.

Even looking angrier than Alyssa had ever seen her looking, she still thought that Emma was beautiful.

She tried to catch the thought before it slipped to the front of her mind, hands grasping desperately as it flew just out of reach, floating into her consciousness before she could stop it.

She’d had similar thoughts in the past few weeks, most slipping through her carefully constructed filter until they were bouncing around her brain, their meanings echoing in her ears even if she didn’t say them aloud.

But it was fine, it was all good. Girls were allowed to think their friends were beautiful, or cute, or whatever other adjectives her brain had chosen for Emma. Kaylee was always telling her that she looked cute in whatever outfit she was wearing, or that her hair looked cute or whatever.

And as long as she could ignore the pressing voice, still stuck in the back of her mind that was telling her that the sentiment she felt when she thought Emma was cute was completely different to the sentiment behind Kaylee thinking she was cute, everything was fine.

Emma was beautiful. Alyssa thought she was beautiful, but only in a friend way.

Alyssa bit her lip, feeling hot under Emma’s gaze.

‘Uh, hi,’ she tried, shifting awkwardly to start unpacking her case, trying to find literally anything she could do to take her eyes, and her mind, off Emma.

There was a beat, and she could feel Emma’s eyes burning into the back of her head.

‘Are you kidding me?’ came the response, a dangerous growl to Emma’s voice that she’d never heard before, ‘We’re really just gonna pretend like nothing happened, like you haven’t been treating me like shit for the past week?’

Alyssa’s hands stilled in her case, her fingers running over the soft fabric of one of her sweaters in an attempt to calm herself down.

She really couldn’t do this right now, she really didn’t think she would make it through.

‘Emma, I-‘ she began, feeling her throat closing up in the now familiar way it did every time she so much as thought of the other girl.

‘You what?’ Emma responded, ‘You haven’t been treating me like shit?’

‘No I- I have, I just-‘ Alyssa couldn’t breathe, tears beginning to prick at her eyes as she began hurriedly continuing with her unpacking.

She should have been prepared for this, she should’ve known it would happen at some point.

She should have known that she wouldn’t be able to take the coward’s way out, to pretend like Emma simply didn’t exist until she slowly faded from her memory, never having to speak to her or see her again.

She should have known that Emma wouldn’t back down without a fight, that she would throw words at her that she deserved to hear, but that had the power to hurt her, to break her if she actually had to confront them.

She should’ve known that Emma deserved better, and that Emma herself knew it too.

She just didn’t know what she could say to the other girl to make anything right.

Emma didn’t seem fazed by her stammering and lack of answers, pushing on as though this was a speech that she had prepared beforehand.

‘Look, Alyssa, I get it,’ she began, her voice even, ‘I know that your mom has a problem with me, and I know that she has a lot more control over your life than you let on, so if she’s threatened you with something to get you to stop talking to me, that’s fine. If she’s told you some shit about me that’s made you have second thoughts about being my friend, then cool, whatever, that’s also fine.’

Alyssa tried to catch her breath, her chest aching as she listened to the assumptions that Emma was making about her. It hurt to think that Emma saw her as that person, the kind of person to abandon her at the first sign of trouble without even bothering to look back.

‘Its fine if you don’t want to be my friend anymore,’ Emma continued, ‘or hang round with me, or even ever speak to me again because let’s face it, who does? Its not like its something I’m not used to. But I’d just like some explanation, some clue as to why you dropped me so quickly so that I can stop lying awake every night, overanalysing every interaction I’ve ever had with you for something that I did wrong.’

Alyssa sniffed, wiping at her eyes which were threatening to overflow with tears.

She wanted to tell Emma the truth, to let her know that the problem wasn’t her, but Alyssa herself, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t let Emma know what was actually going on, because she was pretty sure that would make the whole situation ten times worse.

Silence hung thick in the air between them, Emma sighing loudly as she sat heavily on the bed in front of her.

‘Well?’ she said, looking expectantly at Alyssa, the light bouncing off her glasses in such a way that her eyes weren’t visible.

Alyssa wished she could see them, reading which emotions were sure to be swirling in their hazel depths, just as she’d learnt to do over the past months of friendship with Emma.

She watched as Emma grew impatient.

‘C’mon Alyssa,’ she said sharply, ‘all I’m asking is why. Just- just blame your mom, lie to me, whatever, I don’t care, just please, I- I need to know.’

Her tone softened as she finished speaking, the harshness in her voice being replaced by hurt, and suddenly Alyssa had the urge to tell her the truth, the words crashing round in her throat as they tried to escape.

She opened her mouth, trying to organise them into some sort of sentence before they all came flying out at once, her heart beating loudly in her ears.

She would just tell her. She could just tell Emma everything, and it would all be fine.

She was going to tell Emma.

But in that moment the other girl shifting slightly, the crappy hotel room lighting throwing a shadow over part of her face, her features defined in a way that Alyssa had never seen before, and her heart began to race for a completely different reason, and she knew she couldn’t do it.

‘I-its, uh,’ she tried, her brain growing slower and slower the longer she stared at Emma, ‘its- its nothing to do with you, its me. I- I just have some, some uh stuff I need to work out.’

Emma’s face softened momentarily, ‘What kind of stuff?’

Alyssa swallowed thickly, ‘Its not- it doesn’t matter, just-just stuff. You don’t need to worry about it.’

Emma furrowed her brow, fixing her with an unsettling look.

‘You started completely ignoring me because you had some stuff to work out? Stuff that you won’t tell me what it is?’

Alyssa nodded weakly, the excuse sounding pathetic as it was parroted back to you.

Emma just looked disappointed.

‘Okay,’ she said sadly, ‘I’m not gonna force you to tell me something you obviously don’t wanna share but, call me stupid or whatever, I still somehow care about you, so if you do wanna talk about it, you know I’m here.’

She took a deep breath.

‘Otherwise, I think its probably best if we just stayed out of each other’s way as best we can this weekend.’

~

‘Lys,’ Emma said softly, placing a gentle kiss to her cheek before looping her hands around her waist, ‘what are you so scared of? Why are you so scared of this?’

Alyssa stared back at her, hazel eyes flickering gold when they caught the light in a way that was hard to look away from.

She steeled herself, reaching up tentatively to brush a blonde curl off the other girl’s face as she took a deep breath.

‘I guess- I don’t know,’ she said truthfully, ‘This is just not- not something that’s an option for me. My mom has my whole life planned out and this, this definitely doesn’t fit into the plan.’

Emma chuckled, leaning in to press another kiss to Alyssa’s forehead before pulling her in closer to her body, strong arms wrapping her in a comforting embrace.

‘But ‘Lyssa,’ Emma said, her voice incredulous as if she was about to tell Alyssa the most obvious fact in the world, ‘your mom doesn’t exist in this dream. You don’t need to be afraid of her here.’

Alyssa awoke with a start, dream Emma’s words flashing through her mind again and again.

If only that were the case for real life as well.

She opened her eyes slowly, the darkness in the room suggesting that it was still the middle of the night.

A sliver of moonlight shone into the room through a gap in the curtains, falling onto the bed and illuminating the face of the girl who was sleeping next to her.

Alyssa had been dreading sharing a bed with Emma, the hotel only providing double rooms for the school, but she’d found that weirdly she’d actually fallen asleep quite easily.

She allowed herself to study the girl, just for a few minutes before she had to shut whatever part of her this was off and shove back into the back of her mind.

She’d never been that close to Emma before, not in real life anyway, and she found herself marvelling at how accurately her dreams managed to portray her, as though her subconscious had been taking notes even when she thought she wasn’t looking.

Her glasses were off, which allowed Alyssa to more easily follow the pattern of freckles dusted across her nose, restraining herself from reaching out and tracing them with her finger.

Emma shifted slightly in her sleep, her leg coming to press gently against Alyssa’s, and immediately that familiar feeling of warmth began to spread through her body.

She felt that she understood it a little more now, the same warmth ever present in her dreams of Emma in a way that she was becoming less and less convinced was just a feeling a friendship.

She had an idea, a tiny thought tucked away somewhere, that she knew very well what she was feeling, but every time it made its way to the front of her mind, she pushed it back.

She’d never felt that with anyone before, boy or girl, so how was she supposed to know that that’s what it was? It could be anything at that point.

Her gaze shifted on Emma’s face, dropping down to her lips before she could stop it, just as it often did in her dreams.

She’d spent the past week staring at the lips of all the boys she’d been around, willing herself to feel that magnetic pull, that need to connect hers with theirs, just to see how it felt.

But it never felt the same, even as she leaned in towards Greg at that party, there had been no magnetism, no sense that she wouldn’t be able to breathe until she’d kissed him.

She felt it then, that sudden desperation, the feeling only growing stronger the longer she stared at Emma’s lips. She wanted to look away, to remember how to breathe again, but she couldn’t.

She was so close. It would take a matter of seconds for her to lean forward and press their lips together, just to see what it would feel like, just to answer all the swirling questions in her mind.

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t because kissing anyone, no matter who they were, when they were asleep was weird. She couldn’t because what if Emma woke up and caught her and totally freaked out when she realised what Alyssa was doing.

She couldn’t because what if it felt good, what if she enjoyed it, what if she wanted to do it again? She couldn’t, because that couldn’t happen.

She couldn’t enjoy it because that would mean, well, she wasn’t entirely sure what it would mean, but she knew that for her, it could be nothing good.

Not with her mother being the way she was, so tightly wound after her father had left that something like her daughter enjoying kissing a girl could very possibly cause her to snap.

Before she could stop herself, Alyssa felt a familiar tightness crushing her chest, her breaths becoming more laboured than before and tears welling in her eyes.

She tried to push herself to a sitting position, gasping in breaths as deeply and as quietly as she could, while grabbing the comforter tightly, trying to ground herself with whatever she could.

It was okay, she was okay, everything was fine. It was okay, she was okay, everything was fine.

She unbunched her hands from the sheet, wrapping her arms around herself and hugging as tightly as she could, willing the pressure to help her regain control of her erratic breathing.

She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, trying to focus all of her energy on her breathing and the feeling of arms wrapped around her, even if they were just her own.

She became aware of a shifting on the bed beside her, and before she could work out what was happening, she found herself being pulled gently sideways, her head coming to rest on something soft and warm as another pair of arms threaded around her shoulders.

She wasn’t sure how long she stayed there, unable to open her eyes or even begin to work out where she was, too focused on her breathing and the pressure that was now being applied to her body in a way that was soothing her more than the embrace of her own arms ever could.

Eventually, she felt her breathing returning to normal, basking in the feel of the embrace for a few minutes more before lifting her head slightly and opening her eyes.

She was curled into Emma’s chest, the other girl’s arms still around her tightly as she hummed softly under her breath, stopping once she realised that Alyssa was trying to sit up.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked quietly, an awkward expression on her face as she loosened her grip on Alyssa’s shoulders slightly.

Alyssa felt that familiar warmth in her chest again, a buzzing starting in her head as she looked up at Emma through tear-swollen eyes.

She nodded weakly, sitting up fully as Emma’s arms slipped back down to her sides.

‘Thank you,’ she said, her voice gravely, ‘I’m sorry for waking you.’

‘Its okay,’ Emma said softly, picking at a thread on her pyjama top, ‘I uh, I’m sorry for grabbing you like that, but I was trying to talk to you for ages but I don’t think you could hear me. So I- well, I remembered what you said helped you all those weeks back when I was having that panic attack so- I, I just tried that.’

Alyssa smiled at her shyly, her heart swelling at the fact that Emma had remembered something that she’d only really meant to tell her in passing.

‘No,’ she said, ‘its- its fine. It really helped.’

Emma gave her a half smile back, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight without her glasses in the way. Alyssa felt her heart jump into her throat.

‘Do you- uh, do you wanna talk about it?’ Emma asked tentatively, ‘Was it about the debate or, uh, the stuff you were talking about earlier or…?’

Alyssa sighed. Why was the one person in the whole world who she wanted to talk about this with, the only person she couldn’t talk to about it?

She glanced at Emma, her expression earnest, no hint of the anger or resentment that had been painted on it earlier that day. If only she could tell her.

Suddenly, a thought hit Alyssa.

Maybe she could tell her but leave out certain details. Maybe she could just tell her it was a girl, but not necessarily mention which one. Maybe this was actually something that Emma would be able to help her with.

She took a deep breath. She could do this. She could do this and Emma was the one person who wasn’t going to judge her for what she was about to say. She trusted her.

‘It- it was a dream,’ she said quietly.

‘A dream?’ replied Emma, ‘Like a nightmare?’

Alyssa shook her head, ‘No, like-like that dream I’ve been having for the past few months.’

‘The one about that guy you can never actually see?’

‘Yeah,’ Alyssa said, looking down at her hands nervously, ‘apart from for the past few weeks I’ve- well, I’ve been able to see who he is.’

Emma’s eyes widened as she shifted forward slightly, clearly eager to find out just who Alyssa’s mystery man was.

‘That- that’s good though, right?’ she said, ‘its good that you know who he is now?’

‘Well, it is and it isn’t,’ Alyssa continued, a laugh falling past her lips before she could stop it, ‘because-because…’

She trailed off. This was it, this was the point of no return. Once she told Emma this, there was no taking it back, no pretending she hadn’t meant it, no waking up in the morning and forgetting that it had ever happened.

She’d never been more terrified in her life.

‘Because,’ she repeated, taking a big breath and trying to ignore the nerves bubbling in her stomach, ‘it wasn’t a ‘he’.’

She watched Emma’s expression change, from confusion, to shock, to something else entirely, something unreadable.

‘Alyssa, are you trying to say that-‘

‘It was a girl,’ she finished shakily, the words racing out of her mouth before she could think better of it, ‘the-the mystery boyfriend that we’ve been searching for this whole time is-isn’t a boy at all, its- it’s a girl.’

There was silence for a moment as Emma digested what Alyssa had just told her, a soft smile spreading slowly across her lips.

‘Do you- do you know who she is?’ Emma asked gently, and Alyssa felt sick, as though Emma could read her thoughts and already knew it was her before she’d even said anything.

‘No,’ Alyssa said, shaking her head in a way that she hoped was convincing, ‘I don’t think I do.’

Something flashed across Emma’s face that looked like a mixture of sadness and disappointment, but it was gone before Alyssa could truly work out what it was.

‘I don’t- I don’t know what it means Em,’ she continued, voice shaky as more tears began to well in her eyes, ‘I don’t know if I’m- if I-‘

She buried her head in her hands, feeling a gentle hand come to rest on her shoulder, squeezing lightly.

‘God, I can’t even say it out loud.’

‘That’s okay,’ she heard Emma say softly, ‘it can be a hard thing to work out.’

She paused for a moment before continuing.

‘I can- I can help you out if you want?’

Alyssa’s head shot up from her hands, a strange feeling blooming in her chest, ‘What do you mean?’

Emma smiled reassuringly at her, ‘I don’t mean anything weird I just mean, well, I can ask you a question with a yes or no answer if that will help? That way you don’t actually have to say it, you can just say yes or no.’

Alyssa nodded slightly, fresh tears falling down her cheeks as she took a moment to truly appreciate how lucky she was to have Emma Nolan in her life.

‘Okay,’ Emma said, offering her hand for Alyssa to take before squeezing it gently, ‘do you think that you could be gay?’

Alyssa let the question hang between them for a second, her brain screaming at her to say no while her heart told her to answer truthfully.

She looked down at her hands, avoiding Emma’s gaze, ‘Y-yes.’

There was a pause before Emma was clasping her hand with both hands, ‘Thank you for sharing that with me. I- I know its not easy, but I’m so glad you felt safe enough to tell me.’

Alyssa looked up, the smile on Emma’s face infectious as she felt the corners of her lips tugging upwards too.

‘Is that why you’ve been being so weird with me?’ Emma asked gently, and Alyssa found herself nodding almost immediately.

‘I- I wanted to tell you I just, I didn’t know how.’

It wasn’t a complete lie, she had wanted to tell Emma, she’d just left out a pretty important detail as to why she was ignoring Emma in particular.

‘I just- I don’t know what to do,’ she continued, ‘I can’t be- you- you’ve met my mother, you know what she’s like. I can’t- what will she do when she finds out? I don’t- I don’t want this to be my life. This can’t be my life.’

She felt her heart rate increase again, as Emma stared at her with a knowing expression, before opening her arms widely.

Alyssa fell into the embrace, the familiar scent of vanilla filling her nose, the scent and the press of Emma’s hand in her back calming her instantly.

‘It’s okay, ‘Lys,’ Emma said soothingly, rubbing a hand up and down her back, ‘I promise you, it’ll all be okay. We’ll work this out together, okay? There’s nothing that your mom, or anyone else for that matter, can do or say that’ll take away from who you are or who you love, just remember that.’

Alyssa nodded gently, a sudden tiredness overcoming her as she relaxed into Emma’s chest, the other girl shifting them slightly until they were both lying down, Alyssa’s head still in Emma’s chest, Emma’s hand still rubbing soothing patterns on her back.

The last thing that Alyssa remembered before she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep that night was Emma’s words, floating aimlessly around in her mind.

_‘Who you are or who you love.’_

And while she still wasn’t entirely sure on the first one, she found that maybe, the second had become a lot clearer for her that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are, we finally seem to be getting somewhere!! I hope you guys enjoyed and again, apologies for taking so long to update and then posting monster chapters- its all accidental I swear.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated- I love chatting to y'all and seeing what you think of the story so far!! You can also find me over on tumblr at nodressrehearsal (or the-dyad-group, whichever one you fancy)
> 
> As always, stay safe pals, I'll see you soon!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a morning after the night before and a debate competition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi pals, me again! I'm gonna kick off with my classic apology for this taking so long, I know I said Saturday and its now Wednesday, but life happens y'know, and I hope I didn't leave anyone waiting for too long!
> 
> I think in terms of updates, I've got one final chapter and then an epilogue planned, and its making me sad already that I'm going to have to say goodbye to this fic soon. Its really become my baby!
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy despite the delays and thank you all so much for all your comments so far, some ppl have said such nice things, and it really spurs me on to write more when I read them!!
> 
> Also shoutout as always to Syd (onethingsuniversal) for telling me every day that i rly should write this until I actually did write it.
> 
> TW for some bad language and internalised homophobia

Waking up in Emma Nolan’s arms was possibly one of the best feelings in the world, Alyssa found herself thinking as she slowly awoke, still nestled snugly into the other girl’s chest.

She let herself lay there for a moment, taking it all in, allowing herself 5 minutes of happiness before the inevitable thoughts of panic and self-hatred pushed themselves back into her brain.

She’d taken to doing this most mornings, especially after she’d woken up from the dream, laying silently in the same position she’d woken up in, eyes still shut, as she basked in the warmth that seemed to grow stronger with every version of the dream she experienced.

Some days, well, most days actually, she wished she could stay there for longer, spend the whole morning feel bright and happy, as though the sun had nestled itself into her chest.

But at 6.05 on the dot every morning, her eyes would snap open and her brain would fill with a fog of shame and disgust, its icy tendrils crawling swiftly down the back of her neck to her chest, extinguishing all the warmth in her body as it went and leaving only fear and the echo of her mother’s voice, sneering as she made some comment about how gay people weren’t normal or how they were all going to hell.

She shifted slightly, burrowing deeper into Emma’s side and breathing her in, the ever-present scent of vanilla sending various snapshots from her dreams spiralling through her brain, like some kind of embarrassing slideshow you would make for your significant other on Valentine’s Day.

Apart from Emma wasn’t her significant other, and it wasn’t anywhere near Valentine’s Day, and none of the images she could see were real, however much she wanted them to be.

She braced herself, savouring the last moments of peace before her cruel thoughts began to appear, her last fleeting moments of being truly herself for the day.

But nothing came.

Instead, a different feeling pushed its way to the front of Alyssa’s consciousness, one she’d never experienced before.

It travelled down her neck, just as the other usually did, but it wasn’t unpleasant, spreading slowly until it buried itself deep in her chest.

With it came a complete feeling of freedom, of openness, as though someone had finally found the right key and unlocked her chest, her heart exposed for all to see.

For the first time in a long time she felt good, she felt happy, she felt content with who she was, and what she thought she was maybe growing to be.

Her heart, now free from the entrapment of her chest, seemed to be pulling in one direction, away from Alyssa and towards the girl who was currently sleeping beside her, as though it wanted nothing more than to jump from her chest into Emma’s.

She glanced upwards from where she was lying tucked just under Emma’s chin, taking in her face as best she could.

Where before she’d felt panic, struggling to even look in Emma’s direction for longer than a few seconds, now she just felt a sense of acceptance, her eyes trailing over the lines of Emma’s face just as she’d done the night before.

She’d done it, she’d really done it. She’d told Emma about her dream, or most of it.

She’d told Emma about her dream and nothing had happened. The world hadn’t stopped spinning, the sky hadn’t fallen in, satan himself hadn’t appeared in the hotel room ready to drag Alyssa back down to hell with him.

Instead, Emma had smiled at her and opened her arms, accepting Alyssa for whoever she was, no matter whether she was sure just what she was or not yet.

And actually, now that the clouds of fear and panic had lifted, Alyssa found that maybe who she was was becoming a lot clearer.

She was pulled from her thoughts by movement underneath her head, as Emma shifted slightly in her sleep.

She watched as the other girl’s forehead creased, a hand coming up to cover her eyes as though she was vaguely aware of the light that was streaming into the room through the shitty hotel curtains.

She tried to move her other hand which was still wrapped around Alyssa’s shoulders, but only succeeded in tangling her hand into her curls instead, Alyssa having to grab her arm before she tugged too hard and pulled half of her hair out.

‘Hmm whassat?’ Emma said sleepily, seemingly becoming aware that something else was holding her arm, shaking it gently in an attempt to shake whatever it was off and go back to sleep.

‘Gran,’ she said more clearly when Alyssa didn’t let go of her arm, her hand still entangled in her hair in a way that was becoming increasingly more painful, ‘I tol’ you, don’ wake me up early on weekends.’

She pulled her hand harder still, causing Alyssa to let out a sharp breath in pain, Emma’s eyes flying open at the sound.

‘Shit,’ she said, rubbing at her eyes and taking in the scene in front of her, her arm going slack in Alyssa’s grip, ‘Shit, sorry I didn’t- did I do that in my sleep?’

She gestured weakly with the hand in Alyssa’s hair as Alyssa nodded, slowly moving her hands up to begin to untangle Emma’s hand.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said again, her cheeks flushing red as her hand was freed, ‘I didn’t- I don’t usually have someone uh- I mean, I’m not used to like, um…’

She trailed off, gesturing vaguely in Alyssa’s direction.

Alyssa found herself smiling at the bashful look on her face, ‘It’s okay. It probably serves me right for sleeping basically on top of you all night.’

She felt a blush of her own creeping onto her face, but she was too distracted by the sight of a sleepy Emma Nolan to care too much about it.

Emma looked adorable, her hair messy and her eyes still sleepy, and for the first time Alyssa found herself thinking about Emma in an affectionate way that wasn’t immediately shut down by her brain.

It was freeing, allowing herself to think like that, not just for herself but for Emma too.

Emma deserved to be thought about like that.

‘Did-did I wake you up?’ Emma asked sheepishly, pulling Alyssa out of her daze.

‘No!’ she said quickly, pushing herself up to a sitting position as Emma reached for her glasses, ‘I was already awake, don’t worry.’

‘Oh,’ Emma replied quietly, ‘You uh, you could’ve got up if you wanted, I can usually sleep through most things. Unless-unless I trapped you with my arm which I’m super sorry about, I uh, I didn’t mean to and I really hope you didn’t think I was overstepping last night or this morning because I just wanted to make sure that you got to sleep okay and you knew that I was there if you needed me and-‘

‘Emma, its fine,’ Alyssa cut in with a smile, trying to break Emma out of the panic spiral she had evidently gotten herself into, ‘I was fine just lying there. I was just thinking.’

‘About what?’ came the soft reply.

Alyssa didn’t reply for a second, taking a moment to organise her thoughts before they could all come racing out her mouth at Emma like word vomit.

‘Sorry,’ Emma continued, clearly put off by the silence, ‘I didn’t mean to be so forward. You uh, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to I just- I thought maybe it was about what we talked about last night and, well, I want you to know that I’m always here if you wanna talk about it.’

There was a beat before she spoke again.

‘Or like, we can just pretend it never happened if that’s what you want? I- I know it was pretty personal so…’

She trailed off and Alyssa sent her a shy smile.

‘Its fine,’ she replied, taking a deep breath, ‘I don’t- I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen because it- it did. I told you and it felt good and it still feels good, and I really don’t want to take away from that.’

She watched as a slow smile spread across Emma’s face, the other girl looking at her with earnest eyes.

‘Alyssa,’ she said, ‘I’m so proud of you. Believe me, I know that this process isn’t easy, and I just- I want you to know that whatever happens, I’ll be right there with you, okay?’

Alyssa felt tears pricking at her eyes, her heart once again surging forward, making a break for it in an attempt to launch itself at Emma right there and then.

‘Em,’ she said shakily, ‘I don’t- I don’t deserve that. I never apologised properly for how I’ve treated you for the past week and I- I’m just so sorry.’

‘Lys, it doesn’t matter I-‘

‘It does matter. I was a complete jerk to you because I was scared about something inside of me, and I didn’t have any right to take any of it out on you, no matter how I was feeling, especially not without explaining it first. I’m so sorry.’

‘I get it,’ Emma said with a soft smile that made Alyssa’s cheeks colour, ‘I understand.’

Alyssa sniffed softly, holding out her hand in Emma’s direction, ‘Friends?’

Emma slid her hand into Alyssa’s quickly, squeezing softly, ‘Friends.’

They sat for a moment, hand in hand, just staring at each other, Alyssa getting lost in the hazel and gold of Emma’s eyes that she’d seen so often in her dreams, but never truly experienced in real life.

And god, if she thought staring into Emma’s eyes in her dreams was good, the feeling of falling into them in person was even better.

She wondered briefly what else would be better in real life, before her mind snapped back to the conversation they were having.

‘Em,’ she found herself saying before she could think better of it, ‘I-I’ve been thinking, not-not just this morning, but for a long time actually, about, well about what we talked about last night, about my dream and-and what it means.’

Emma said nothing, smiling kindly at her and squeezing her hand, as though telling her to continue.

‘And you asked me that question and, god I didn’t want to answer it, but I think- I think I gave you the right answer I just- I need to be able to say it, for myself.’

Emma nodded, ‘There’s no need to rush it. You can take all the time you need.’

‘I know, I just- I want to say it. I want to be able to sit here and tell you properly. I think you deserve that.’

‘Lys, you don’t need to do anything for my benefit.’

‘I know,’ she said with a smile, ‘but I want to, I really do. So, I-I’m gonna try.’

She took a deep breath, the new feeling pulsing strongly in her chest.

She was brave. She was free. She could do this.

‘Emma,’ she said, staring straight into the other girl’s eyes, ‘I- I think I like girls.’

Emma smiled proudly at her, her eyes crinkling in a way that made Alyssa feel warm inside, the feeling in her chest being replaced by the all too familiar buzzing.

She watched as Emma’s pride morphed into a more mischievous smile.

‘Oh my god, me too,’ she said with a dramatic gasp which quickly morphed into a laugh, and Alyssa found herself laughing along with her, any remaining fear or doubt melting off her at the mere sound of Emma’s laugh.

It was nice, she thought, being able to laugh and joke about the situation with someone, without judgement or prejudice or anything else in the way.

‘Can I ask,’ she continued after the laughter had died down, Emma’s eyes still glistening with the kind of joy you get only after telling a bad joke that someone laughed at, ‘uh, something about your experience?’

Emma raised an eyebrow, ‘Depends what it is. Like, please don’t ask me how lesbians have sex or anything because I-‘

‘Oh god no,’ Alyssa said quickly, feeling her cheeks flush, ‘That’s not-that’s not what I meant at all. I just meant, uh, you’re a um- you’re a lesbian, right?’

‘Last time I checked,’ Emma said with a grin, and Alyssa found herself rolling her eyes playfully.

‘So, uh, how did you know you didn’t like boys? she asked.

There was silence for a moment, Emma furrowing her brow as though genuinely thinking about the question. Alyssa’s heart picking up speed in her chest.

It wasn’t that she was scared about what Emma was going to answer, after all, she could tell herself that everyone had different experiences, it was more the fact that she was dreading hearing her own experiences described back to her.

There was some part of her mind that was still telling her that everything would be okay if she liked boys as well, some part inside of her that was giving her the chance of still having a ‘normal’ life, settling down, marrying a man and having kids together.

Maybe, eventually, if she ever did tell her mother, she would grow to be okay with it because there was still the chance of Alyssa living a ‘straight’ life. If she liked boys, or if she could make herself like boys, maybe everything would be a little more okay.

She didn’t even know if it was possible to like both. She supposed that it was, but unsurprisingly James Madison’s LGBTQ+ relationships education programme had been swiftly shut down by her mom and the rest of the PTA, so she’d never had the chance to learn anything about it, or just what any of those letters in the acronym meant.

‘I guess,’ Emma said after a while, drawing Alyssa back to the present, ‘I guess I was just never really interested in boys. Even in like first or second grade, while everyone else was playing weddings and mommies and daddies, I couldn’t think of anything worse than marrying, or even pretending to marry one of the boys. At the time I just couldn’t understand it, why would anyone want to marry a gross boy when you could marry a pretty girl instead?’

Alyssa laughed at this, remembering the numerous games of ‘weddings’ they used to play, Nick’s sweaty palm in hers as he tugged her down the ‘aisle’ to get married. She’d always enjoyed those games, but thought that maybe she’d like a go at marrying someone else, instead of being stuck with Nick every time.

‘And then, as we got older and people started dating and stuff,’ Emma continued, ‘it became clearer and clearer to me that I just didn’t want to date boys. At first I thought that maybe I just didn’t want to date anyone, putting it down to wanting to focus on my schoolwork instead of anything else, but then I realised that I was actually focusing more on the pictures of Kristen Stewart I had stuck in the back of my planner, and I started to think that maybe there was another reason I didn’t want to date boys.’

Alyssa considered this, trying to map Emma’s experiences against her own.

She too hadn’t been bothered about dating when all of her friends started it, but that had actually been because she’d been focused on her work. She’d had to have been, her mom forbidding her from even thinking about getting a boyfriend until senior year.

Plus, her mom would never have let her stick pictures in the back of her planner, or any educational book, so she couldn’t say she related to the Kristen Stewart thing.

‘Plus, the thought of kissing a boy always makes me feel kinda gross if I’m honest,’ Emma added.

An image of Greg leaning in flashed through Alyssa’s mind, that same queasy feeling surfacing in her stomach at the thought of doing anything with him.

She shoved it down quickly.

‘So uh, yeah,’ Emma finished, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly, ‘then we got to high school and I actually started getting crushes on girls and then, uh, well I’m pretty sure the whole town knows the story after that.’

Alyssa grimaced at Emma’s reference to her parents throwing her out, her heart aching for the girl in front of her, who was doing her very best to pretend like it still didn’t bother her, even though Alyssa could tell that it clearly did.

She decided to change the subject before Emma could dwell on it too hard.

‘So,’ she said, wiggling her eyebrows mischievously, ‘crushes on girls, huh? Anyone I would know?’

She thought back to a time not so long ago, a time where she thought that all she desired from Emma was friendship, where she had pondered the existence of Emma’s crushes.

She watched as Emma’s face immediately turned a deep shade of scarlet, her hands fiddling nervously with the bottom of her sleep shirt.

‘Uh, I um, I don’t think you’d know her actually.’ Emma said shakily, very clearly avoiding eye contact with Alyssa.

‘Try me,’ Alyssa replied with a smile, keen to get to the bottom of Emma’s mystery crush, ‘I know most people through student council, or cheer, or through my mom and the PTA.’

‘Uh she doesn’t- I don’t-,’ Emma floundered, her face growing redder by the second, ‘she uh- she doesn’t go to the school- well she did but she uh, she- she transferred. Yeah, that’s right, she transferred quite soon into freshman year so you uh, you probably wouldn’t have known her.’

Alyssa narrowed her eyes, ‘Hmm, I don’t know whether I believe you.’

She saw Emma visibly swallow, a feeling of guilt creeping into her stomach. She had been too caught up in the excitement of revealing Emma’s crush that she’d completely missed how uncomfortable the other girl was.

‘Sorry,’ she added quickly, ‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I-I didn’t mean to hound you like that.’

Emma gave her a quick smile before excusing herself to the bathroom, wringing her hands as she went.

Alyssa took the moment alone to consider everything Emma had just said, trying not to let panic rise at the fact that so many of her experiences matched up with what Emma had described.

It was all fine, she was all good. Emma had said she didn’t need to make a decision now about who she was, and she was right, she had all the time in the world.

After all, it wasn’t like she needed to be ready to tell her mom and her friends as soon as she got back home. She doubted she would ever really be able to tell them.

She focused instead on that feeling in her chest, the buzzing that was still racing round her body from being so close to Emma, plus, what she thought was a spike of jealousy at the notion that Emma had had a crush on another girl.

It was strange really, that feeling of jealousy. It was strange because, for what was usually seen as a negative emotion, it was making her feel alive, its sharp edges scraping at the sides of her exposed heart.

She welcomed it in, allowing it to venture closer into her chest, reminding her, as it travelled further, of just what it meant.

It meant she cared deeply. It meant she was allowing herself to feel something for someone, something that she’d been trying not to feel for longer than she was probably aware of. It meant that finally, it seemed that she was making peace with just who she was.

* * *

Emma shifted awkwardly in her seat, craning her neck over the rows of people in front of her in an attempt to see the raised platform that the debate teams were sitting on.

She’d been relieved when Mr Andrews had told her that he wouldn’t be needing her for any of the debate rounds that day, but it had meant that she was forced to find her own seat in the crowd and sit through all the other schools’ debates, all the while staring at the person in front of her’s abnormally large head.

She sat up taller as the next debate was announced, James Madison vs. some school from the next town over that she’d never heard of, watching as best she could as her teammates made their way onto the stage.

She caught a glimpse of brown curls as they led the team to their seats, and she found herself getting up out of her seat in an attempt to see Alyssa, even for a second.

It was stupid really, she’d seen the other girl literally an hour ago in their hotel room, but she’d found herself missing her already, the strange new dynamic they’d created after the night before only serving to feed her feelings for Alyssa.

Feelings that were now so huge, they seemed to take over Emma’s whole body every time she set eyes on the other girl, her chest straining to keep them all from bursting out and engulfing both her and Alyssa.

She thought back to Alyssa asking her about her crush that morning, cringing internally at the way she’d very obviously floundered, telling some lame lie about how the girl had transferred so Alyssa wouldn’t know her.

She just hoped to whatever higher power there was that Alyssa had bought the lie, and that her feelings for the other girl weren’t as obvious as she felt she’d made them that morning.

‘Emma!’

Her head snapped up at the sound of her name being called, looking left and right to try and find the source of the voice.

Her eyes landed on Mr Hawkins who was standing at the end of her row waving frantically at her with a huge grin on his face.

He beckoned her over, and she started the slow, awkward shuffle over other people’s legs in order to reach him.

‘There you are,’ he said in whisper that was way too loud, judging from the looks of some of the people near them, ‘I’ve been looking all over for you.’

Emma said nothing, just staring at him in confusion.

‘I have some reserved seats at the front,’ he continued, beginning to stroll towards the centre of the hall they were in, ‘and I was thinking you could join me there, get a real feel for how our team works in a competition scenario, see how you like it?’

Emma looked at him sceptically, but followed closely behind, the chance to see Alyssa better than a few curls over the top of someone else’s head too much of a good opportunity to pass up.

He led her over to a pair of seats right in the centre at the front, providing the perfect view of both teams, who were currently both huddled together around a piece of paper, writing frantically in order to prepare their arguments.

‘Best seats in the house,’ Mr Hawkins said, nudging Emma’s shoulder and smiling widely at her.

She smiled back politely before turning her attention back to the stage, watching as the preparation timer ticked slowly downwards.

Before long, the prep time was up, and the teams were being told to stop writing.

Emma watched as Alyssa’s head snapped up, a determined look in her eyes and the ghost of a confident smile on her lips.

Emma hadn’t particularly been paying attention to the debate topic, but she knew it was something fairly basic about prisons or something, so she knew that Alyssa and the rest of the team would be more than prepared.

James Madison was arguing against and so the other school went first, their nominated speaker droning on in a monotone that Emma found herself tuning out after about 2 seconds.

She instead found her gaze shifting back to Alyssa.

She was biting her lip slightly, and her forehead was creased in concentration, and Emma was struck by how breath-taking she always seemed to look.

She thought back to the night before and Alyssa’s revelation, the fact that she too liked girls bouncing around inside her skull, never too far from her consciousness.

She felt, well, she wasn’t exactly sure how she felt.

It was stupid really, that Alyssa being gay would change Emma’s feelings about her at all, especially because she was pretty sure that Alyssa could be a lesbian who had a thing for blonde girls with glasses and Emma still wouldn’t be anywhere near the top of her list to date.

Which was, she supposed, fine.

Just because two people happened to both be gay, it didn’t mean that they had to ruin their friendship by dating. That wasn’t how it worked.

At least, she didn’t think that was how it worked. She didn’t exactly have any other gay friends.

But even the thought of Alyssa kissing another girl sent something sparking through her chest that she couldn’t ignore.

She tried to pass it off as happiness, pride for the other girl for being so brave and so willing to face her new feelings head on.

But she knew somewhere, deep down, that it was something darker, a strange sense of resentment, betrayal even, frustration at the fact that the one girl she liked more than anything in the world was gay, but was dreaming about some other girl. Some other girl who was not her.

It was stupidly unfair really, but then again, she wasn’t living in some gay Hallmark channel Christmas movie where the two best friends discover at the end that they’ve actually been in love with each other the whole time.

She was very certain that the love in this case was very one sided.

Her heart leapt as she thought it, the word ‘love’ slipping past her carefully crafted filter before she could stop it, her eyes still trained on Alyssa who was now speaking onstage.

It was a word, a feeling, that she had been trying hard not to think about over the past few weeks, the ghost of it on her lips any time she was near Alyssa.

Even when the other girl was completely ignoring her, Emma couldn’t seem to find the switch in her brain to turn it off, no matter how hard she’d tried.

And sitting there, in some packed high school auditorium watching Alyssa on the stage, her eyes sparkling passionately and an aura of confidence radiating off her in a way that Emma found captivating, she realised it was becoming harder and harder to convince herself that she wasn’t in love with Alyssa Greene.

‘She’s very good, isn’t she,’ Mr Hawkins whispered, leaning in towards Emma as Alyssa finished her opening statement.

Emma couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away from her as she answered him.

‘Yeah, she really is.’

* * *

Alyssa was exhausted by the time the competition began to wind down.

Her brain hurt and her throat was sore after spending pretty much the whole day speaking, and all she wanted to do was go back to the hotel room and collapse onto the bed for an hour or so before they had to get the bus back to Edgewater.

James Madison had come second in the end, which was a pretty good result based on the amount of schools that had taken part. The top 3 teams qualified for the Nationals competition as well, which meant that they’d have a good chance of making the finals if they practised hard and tightened up on some of their tactics.

Alyssa knew her mom would pretend to be happy about the result, while also firing a thousand questions at her about why they hadn’t come first, but she figured she could prepare herself for that on the bus on the way back.

At least they hadn’t lost. She still remembered the time the cheer squad had come dead last in one of their competitions, an icy silence descending over the Greene household as soon as she got home, as though it was somehow her fault that Shelby had missed the landing of her back handspring and broken her arm.

If there was one thing Mrs Greene hated more than gay people, and lazy people, and people who under offered on expensive new houses, it was losers.

Still, at least she’d have a few more hours before she had to deal with that. She had plenty of time to sit and wonder what it would be like to have a mother who was proud of her achievements, no matter the result of a competition.

After they had returned to the hotel, there was lots of cheering and hugging, all of the team members embracing her and patting her on the back, all wanting to be the first to congratulate their captain.

Through all the chaos and the celebrations, her eyes scanned the crowd, made up of other celebrating schools, parents and teachers, all milling around the hotel lobby, looking for the one person she really wanted to celebrate with.

The one person she’d tried her absolute best not to look at throughout the day, too worried that she would get distracted, falling into those hazel eyes and completely missing a rebuttal or her turn to speak.

But Emma was nowhere to be seen, a pang of sadness pulsing through Alyssa’s chest.

She figured that maybe she’d gone back to the room to pack. After all, it wasn’t like any of the other debate team members would be queuing up to celebrate with her, their hatred for the girl only seeming to grow since the practise debate incident.

Alyssa stayed for a few more minutes, making sure that she’d said well done to everyone she had to, before excusing herself and heading back up to her room.

She felt an odd sense of anticipation as she slid the keycard into the door, eager to see what Emma had thought of the competition.

_What Emma had thought of her._

She knew that was the real subtext of what she was feeling, the sudden urge to be appreciated by Emma, to have been watched by Emma, for Emma to have noticed her amongst the hundreds of other debaters, pushing strongly into her chest.

She felt like her whole life she’d been in some weird battle with her mom, always being pushed to the front of everything so that she could be seen and appreciated, while all she really wanted was to melt into the background.

But now, for one of the first times ever, she wanted to be seen.

She wanted Emma to see her.

Her smile faltered as she entered the room, realising that Emma was nowhere to be seen.

She furrowed her brow, walking over to the bed and kicking off her shoes as she lay back and pulled out her phone, scrolling through the various messages of congratulations to see if Emma had sent anything to suggest where she was.

There was a message of congratulations from her from half an hour before, but nothing else, and Alyssa immediately opened their text thread, typing out a ‘where are you’ message and hitting send before she could talk herself out of it.

It wasn’t weird to ask Emma where she was, right? God, she hoped Emma didn’t think it was weird.

Her phone vibrated and she snatched it up from where she’d dropped it on the bed, disappointment flowing through her as she realised it was just a text from her mom.

_Just heard the good news, sweetie! Congratulations to you and the rest of the team. I’ll see you at home soon xx_

How had her mom even found out about the result? Honestly, they say the devil works hard, but, Alyssa found herself thinking, Veronica Greene evidently works harder.

She had just typed out a quick response to her mom and sent it off when she heard the sound of a keycard in the door, followed by a string of profanities as whoever it was seemingly tripped into the room.

Alyssa sat bolt upright, her heart leaping as she was greeted by the sight of Emma, who quickly stuffed something behind her back.

‘Alyssa,’ she said, a look of surprise on her face, ‘I thought you’d still be celebrating downstairs.’

Alyssa shrugged plainly, ‘Thought I might find better company up here.’

Emma’s face broke into a wide grin as she took a few more steps into the room, her eyes sparkling excitedly behind her glasses.

‘Congratulations,’ she said, her hands fidgeting nervously with whatever was behind her back, ‘I don’t even know what to say. I guess- well I realised while I was watching that I’d never really seen you debate before, apart from like, during practise and, god, you were just- I don’t know, I don’t even know how to describe how amazing you were.’

Alyssa felt herself blushing at Emma’s words, a sense of pride filling her chest that she only usually felt on the rare occasion that her mom seemed genuinely impressed by her achievements.

‘Uh, thanks,’ she said bashfully, suddenly feeling shy under Emma’s gaze, ‘It was nothing really.’

Emma beamed at her again, and Alyssa felt a strange swooping sensation in the pit of her stomach.

Emma cleared her throat, her cheeks tinging pink before she’d even spoken, ‘I uh, I got you something.’

She produced a bunch of slightly battered flowers from behind her back, thrusting them towards Alyssa as she looked down at the floor, chewing on her lip nervously.

‘Em,’ Alyssa breathed, stepping forward to take the flowers gently from the other girl’s shaking hands, ‘What’s this for?’

She took a shaky breath, her heart threatening to beat out of her chest at the fact that a pretty girl had just bought her flowers, even if said pretty girl hadn’t meant the gesture in a romantic way.

Alyssa was no stranger to receiving flowers, her locker always seemingly overflowing with them around Valentine’s Day, and various bouquets being thrust at her in the hallways whenever there was a dance coming up that all the boys needed a date to. But she didn’t think that a bunch of flowers had ever meant so much to her.

Was this how she was supposed to feel every time a boy had stopped her and handed her a bouquet, her chest warm and a churning of butterflies in her stomach?

‘Uh well,’ Emma said, her eyes still fixed on the off-white hotel carpet, ‘I just thought- you uh, you give people flowers when they win stuff, right? So uh, I went to the store across the street and got these for you.’

Alyssa shook her head fondly, ‘We didn’t even win, Em.’

‘I know, I just-I wanted to do something nice for you,’ Emma replied shakily, ‘You uh, you’ve worked so hard and I think- I think you deserve it.’

Alyssa took a second, breathing in the sweet scent of the flowers and trying to calm her racing heart.

She needed to calm down. She needed to get a grip before her stupid heart and her even stupider brain made her do something equally as stupid, something that she knew she might possibly regret.

Instead, she placed the flowers gently onto the bed, crossing the room and throwing her arms around Emma, putting everything she had into appreciating the _friendship_ she had with the girl, nothing else.

She needed to remember that all they had, and all they would have, was friendship, nothing more.

She tried not to melt into the embrace as Emma’s arms came up to wrap around her waist, that all too familiar vanilla scent flooding her senses as she buried her face in Emma’s hair.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered, tightening her arms around Emma’s shoulders, trying to pour everything she was feeling into those two words.

‘You’re welcome,’ Emma replied, her voice low in Alyssa’s ear.

Goosebumps shot up the back of Alyssa’s neck, and she felt her breath catch in her throat at the feeling of Emma’s breath on her ear.

She wondered briefly if this is how Emma felt every time she whispered to her when they were hugging, but that idea was quickly banished to the back of her mind.

They were just friends, that was all. She had to keep remembering that.

She wasn’t sure how long they hugged for, standing with arms pulled tight around each other, their bodies fitting together in a way that Alyssa tried not to notice was perfect.

The thought that she could happily stay there, in Emma’s arms, forever briefly flitted through her mind, and she found herself pulling the other girl closer still, trying to commit the feeling of closeness to memory before she had to let go.

Eventually, she felt Emma begin to pull back, and she loosened her grip, moving out of the embrace but not too far away, her arms still locked around Emma’s neck.

Emma smiled at her shyly, her cheeks still pink, her eyes flashing golden behind her glasses.

Suddenly, it was as if everything in the room shifted slightly, a new feeling taking over Alyssa as her vision began to tunnel.

Soon, all she could see was Emma, the rest of the room a blur in the background, the flowers long forgotten on the bed.

She shifted slightly, a last-ditch attempt to draw her eyes away from Emma before the inevitable happened, but it was like the other girl had her under some spell, her eyes refusing to budge, however hard she tried.

She became aware of a pull in her chest, the same magnetic force she’d felt so many times in her dreams, urging her forwards towards Emma.

Was this a dream? It seemed awfully similar to so many of her other dreams, it easily could be.

She bit the inside of her cheek, willing herself to wake up, hoping that she was dreaming and that she wasn’t about to make an irreversible choice in real life, one that she wasn’t completely sure of what the outcomes would be.

She didn’t wake up.

The pull became stronger, stronger than she’d ever felt in any of her dreams, and before she could stop herself, she felt herself begin to lean in towards Emma.

The other girl had a strange expression on her face, one Alyssa had never seen before, but she too began to move as though commanded by some unseen force.

The air seemed to crackle between them as they got closer, Alyssa’s breath catching in her throat as she watched Emma’s eyes dip down towards her lips.

Her own eyes, as though following Emma’s example, dipped to Emma’s lips, the pull becoming even more insistent, tugging her forwards and tightening in her chest until she didn’t think she’d be able to breathe until she knew what Emma’s lips felt like against hers.

Emma’s eyes fluttered closed a half second before hers did, and she felt Emma’s breath on her lips, the feeling a thousand times more intense than it always was in her dreams.

She couldn’t stop it, she couldn’t fight it anymore. No matter what that tiny voice in her brain was telling her, this was right. It had to be right.

Deep down, she knew it was right.

She pushed forwards, closing the gap between them and-

A knock on the door sent them both flying apart, Emma ending up near the door while Alyssa found herself sat on the bed.

Her chest heaved as she realised how heavily she was breathing, looking between Emma and the door as she tried to get her emotions in check.

‘Girls?’ came Mr Hawkins’ voice from the other side of the door, ‘I just wanted to remind you that we need you down in the lobby in ten minutes so we can all be on the bus in time, okay?’

‘O-okay,’ Emma replied, her voice noticeably shaky, as they both listened to the sound of the principal’s footsteps receding down the hallway.

There was a beat where no one said anything, Alyssa biting her lip and staring down at her shoes. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Emma.

She didn’t know what you were supposed to do in this situation. It wasn’t exactly one she’d been in before.

Did they just pretend it didn’t happen? Did they talk about it? Oh god, had Emma even wanted it to happen, had she made everything weird now?

She glanced up, catching Emma already looking at her with an unreadable expression on her face.

When she realised Alyssa was looking, her face broke into a shy smile, her hand coming to push her glasses further up the bridge of her nose.

Alyssa found herself smiling back, relief at the fact that Emma obviously wasn’t repulsed by what had just nearly happened flooding through her body.

Emma cleared her throat, ‘Uh, I know we should probably, um, talk about uh th-that.’

Alyssa nodded cautiously, secretly glad that Emma at least didn’t want to pretend that it hadn’t happened.

‘But uh,’ she continued, ‘We have like less than 10 minutes and your stuff is still all over this room so, uh, for now, do you, uh, do you need a hand packing everything up?’

Alyssa looked around the room, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by everything she needed to pack in such a short space of time. The idea of packing anything had completely left her mind as soon as Emma entered the room, so it really had turned into a pretty pressing issue.

She gave Emma another shy smile, nodding softly before getting up and starting to fold her clothes, a comfortable silence descending over the two of them until they’d packed her bag in record timing.

As she followed Emma out of the room, picking up her flowers on the way, she smiled to herself.

It had been right. She had been right.

And even if maybe the timing hadn’t been right for them just yet, there was now no doubt in Alyssa Greene’s mind that what she was feeling, what she felt for Emma Nolan, was the rightest she’d ever been in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, so close and yet so far! I promise you that maybe they'll get even closer next chapter, if we're all lucky!!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and thank you again for you patience! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!!(like please let me know what you think, especially if you're enjoying it, so i can motivate myself to write the next chapter)
> 
> Pls stay safe pals, and I'll hopefully be back soon with *the final chapter*


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mrs Greene asks a thousand questions and Emma and Alyssa have some alone time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals, me again! Hope you're all well and I hope I haven't left you waiting too long for this one!!! So, here we are, the final chapter of the debate fic. I do have a tiny epilogue planned after this (thats why its says this is chapter 7 of 8) which I hope you'll stick around for, and that will hopefully be out sometime later this week!
> 
> As it is kind of 'officially' the end, I just wanna say thank you to everyone who's left kudos and comments throughout. I know my posting has been kinda sketchy, and I know sometimes you've had to wait a while for chapters, but I really hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it!! This fic is literally my baby and I've put a lot more of myself into my writing than I usually do, so all of your kind comments really do mean the world!!
> 
> So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy! Lets see if these lesbians can get their shit together!!
> 
> ((also shout out to sydnie (onethingsuniversal) for listening to me talk about writing this for like a week lol and also for being there through the process of this whole fic and never once telling me my ideas were awful))

Alyssa had barely stepped off the bus before she was being engulfed in a tight hug.

‘There’s my superstar!’ her mom cooed proudly in her ear, her arms tightening even harder around Alyssa’s shoulders.

She sank into the embrace for a moment, letting the scent of her mom’s perfume wash over her. It was the same one she’d worn for pretty much all of Alyssa’s life, and it always seemed to bring her an odd sense of calm, a feeling of childhood, even when her mom was radiating a very different energy entirely.

She glanced over her shoulder as her mom pulled back and began ushering her towards the car, catching a glimpse of Emma as she was the last to hop off the bus.

They locked eyes briefly, Emma sending her a warm smile before making a beeline towards her gran and their beat-up old pickup that was parked on the other side of the parking lot.

They hadn’t had a chance to talk about what had happened, or nearly happened, in the hotel room, the bus too noisy and too full of prying ears to risk talking about it.

That, and the fact that Emma had fallen asleep halfway through the journey, her head slumped sideways onto Alyssa’s shoulder in a way that made her chest feel warm and her cheeks tint pink.

She had thought about waking her up, but she supposed that it was her fault that Emma hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before, so she left her where she was, resisting the urge to gently push an unruly curl that had fallen over her eyes out of her face.

When they’d arrived back at the school, Emma had given her hand a quick squeeze and told her she’d text her when she got home, before standing up and making her way to the back of the bus so that Mrs Greene didn’t have any reason to suspect she’d been anywhere near Alyssa.

A pang of longing filled her chest as she watched Emma walk away, a desire to run after her, slip her hand into Emma’s when she got close enough and walk into the horizon with her, never to return.

Now that she’d had some time to process the events in the hotel room, she wanted nothing more than to be alone with Emma again, preferably as soon as possible.

If Alyssa Greene was one thing, it was not a quitter, and as time had passed on the bus back, she’d found herself becoming keener and keener to finish what she’d started.

But instead, she tore her eyes away from Emma, following dutifully behind her mom and shoving her bag onto the back seat of her car.

The drive home was fairly painless, her mom asking her mundane questions about how the journey was and if the hotel had been okay.

This wasn’t a surprise to Alyssa, she knew the post-competition drill by now after living through it every year since she’d been on the chess team in middle school.

Phase one involved her mom asking general questions about all things relating to, but not directly about, the competition, for example the accommodation or the food or whatever. This phase would usually take place on the journey back, whether that was from the school, or from the competition venue itself.

As soon as they got home, this would swiftly move into phase two, which was a detailed interrogation about the competition itself, in which her mom would attempt to analyse every word spoken or cheer routine step performed, despite not actually being there herself most of the time.

This was the phase that Alyssa dreaded the most, often sitting stiffly on the couch as her mom bombarded her with questions about her and her teammates’ performances, when really all she wanted to do was go upstairs and collapse onto her bed.

To make matters worse, they hadn’t won the debate competition, which meant that phase two would also almost certainly include a forensic break down of each debate they had lost in order to work out why they hadn’t won.

If she was being honest, it was the last thing Alyssa needed, her throat still sore from debating, and her head still spinning after her encounter with Emma.

As predicted, as soon as they got home, Mrs Greene started with the questions before Alyssa had even managed to take her shoes off.

‘Are you disappointed about coming second?’

Alyssa took a moment to think, carefully placing Emma’s flowers, which were still clutched in her hand, down on top of her bag so that she could begin to undo her sneakers.

It was a loaded question, and she wasn’t entirely sure what the correct answer actually was.

Of course she wasn’t disappointed. They’d still qualified for the national heats, and they’d won some of the harder debates that she’d initially been worried about, so all in all, she thought they’d performed quite well, even if they hadn’t won outright.

But then again, was her mom expecting something more? She’d always been taught to aim high, so maybe she was supposed to say that she _was_ disappointed, that second place wasn’t good enough, and that she’d try harder next time.

She weighed up her options carefully, before choosing a middle ground.

‘Of course I’m a bit disappointed,’ she began, choosing her words cautiously, ‘I think maybe, in retrospect, there are a few things we could’ve done differently that maybe would’ve helped move us from second place to first, but I’m also proud of the fact we qualified for nationals, and I think that I debated well, all in all.’

Her mom smiled warmly at her, and she breathed an internal sigh of relief at the fact that it seemed like she had given the correct answer.

‘Well,’ her mother started, her lips tightening ever so slightly, in a way that made her smile a little less welcoming, ‘I’m sure _you_ did everything you could, darling.’

Alyssa watched as her mom’s eyes slid downwards towards her bag and the flowers.

‘Now, shall we get those beautiful flowers in some water and then you can tell me all about the contest properly?’

Alyssa knew it wasn’t an invitation, even though it was phrased like one, so she just nodded plainly, scooping up Emma’s flowers protectively and following her mom into the kitchen.

She watched as the older woman produced a vase from one of the cupboards, filling it with water and placing it down in front of her carefully.

‘So,’ she said, raising an eyebrow, ‘are you going to tell me who gave them to you?’

Alyssa felt heat rushing to her cheeks before she could stop it, jamming the flowers into the vase and beginning to arrange them quickly in an attempt to hide the blush from her mother.

‘Uhh,’ she said, her mind going a thousand miles an hour in an attempt to think of a feasible excuse for who could have given them to her.

God, why hadn’t she thought this through on the bus? It was pretty obvious that she couldn’t tell her mom the truth, but she wasn’t entirely sure what else she could tell her.

She couldn’t tell her everyone got them because her mom wasn’t stupid, and no one else exiting the bus had been holding flowers, but then again, she didn’t want to lie and say it was some secret admirer, because then she’d have to make up a whole story about some boy who had a crush on her.

‘Honey, are you blushing?’ her mom said gleefully, which only caused Alyssa to blush harder, her mind inadvertently playing images of Emma nervously thrusting the flowers towards her, hands shaking and a cute flush on her cheeks.

‘No, I-‘

‘Was it a boy?’ her mom asked kindly, her tone softening and a faint smile on her lips, ‘It’s okay, you can tell me.’

Alyssa took a deep breath, her mom essentially backing her into a corner that she knew she would have to lie to get out of.

She didn’t want to lie. She wanted to be able to shout from the rooftops that Emma Nolan had bought her flowers and it had made her happier than she’d been in a long time.

But she knew it wasn’t possible.

She glanced up at her mom, earnest eyes looking back at her, a softness on her mom’s face that she hadn’t seen in a long time.

Something sparked in her chest, some hope that maybe, someday, her mom could understand, would let her speak and hear her when she told her that she wasn’t interested in boys.

Maybe someday.

But while today might not be that day, perhaps it was time to start laying the groundwork for it, testing the waters to see her mom’s reaction.

Sure, she’d made it abundantly clear many, many times that she hated gay people, but surely she wouldn’t be able to hate her own daughter? Maybe this was what she needed to realise her beliefs were wrong.

But Alyssa knew she didn’t have the mental strength to come out right there and then, especially when she was still figuring things out for herself. But maybe if she could just drop some kind of hint, maybe that would be better than nothing.

‘Mom,’ she said softly, nerves twisting in her stomach as she kept her eyes focused on the flowers in front of her, ‘What if they were from a girl?’

As soon as they’d left her mouth, the words hung in the air between them, a tense silence forming around the kitchen table.

The nerves in her stomach were replaced by fear, a burning icy fear that only grew as the smile slid slowly off her mom’s face, being replaced by something unreadable that only scared Alyssa more.

‘What do you mean?’ her mom replied, her voice no more than a whisper, a hint of malice in the words that warned Alyssa to think very carefully about the answer.

Alyssa swallowed nervously, sifting through all of the excuses in her brain in an attempt to find one that her mom would believe.

She’d fucked up.

She was so stupid. On what planet, in what universe, did she ever think her mom would be okay with another girl buying her flowers?

She’d been tricked, drawn in by her mom’s ‘caring mother’ mask, the need to be seen and loved and appreciated by her own mother too great for her to even begin to think about the consequences of her actions.

‘Alyssa,’ her mom continued, her voice growing louder, ‘Who gave you those flowers?’

She opened and closed her mouth, pleading with her brain to come up with something quickly, as panic began to rise in her chest, its claws tightening around her lungs until she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

‘Um, I- it-‘ she stumbled, trying to force something coherent out of her mouth.

‘Don’t lie to me,’ her mom said, an edge to her voice that was now threatening to turn into something dangerous, ‘I won’t ask you again.’

‘I- it was-‘

‘Alyssa, who gave you them?’

‘C-Carrie,’ Alyssa blurted out, her brain’s last attempt at saving her before all hell broke loose in the Greene kitchen, ‘It was, uh Carrie and-and Jess.’

‘Carrie and Jess?’ her mom replied, a hint of disbelief in her voice.

‘Y-yeah,’ Alyssa continued, trying to sound more confident than she was feeling, ‘Well, uh, actually it was kind of the whole team, I think. They-they all got together and bought them for me to- to uh- oh, to say thank you for being a great team captain. And-and then Carrie and Jess actually gave them to me.’

‘Oh,’ her mom replied, her face softening again, ‘I see.’

Alyssa felt the panic receding, and she tried to breathe a discreet sigh of relief at the fact that her mom seemed to believe her.

‘That was nice of them,’

‘Yeah,’ Alyssa replied, her voice still shaking slightly, ‘I uh, I really wasn’t expecting it.’

Mrs Greene swiftly picked the vase up from the kitchen table, making for the living room in a way that Alyssa knew meant she was supposed to follow her.

She watched as her mom placed them, pride of place, on the mantlepiece, in between the numerous school pictures and baby pictures of her that she insisted on keeping up and showing anyone anytime they came round.

Alyssa thought it was more like a weird shrine to her than anything else, but she never said anything to her mom, a part of her secretly liking the pride in her mom’s eyes every time she gazed at the pictures.

Her mom chuckled slightly, drawing Alyssa’s eyes away from the flowers and back to where the older woman was sitting on one of the couches.

‘Goodness,’ she said with a smile, ‘for a good second there I thought you were going to tell me that that Nolan girl got them for you or something.’

Alyssa felt her heart leap at the mention of Emma, a smile inadvertently tugging at her lips that she hoped her mom would assume was just her laughing along with her ‘joke’.

‘Honestly,’ she continued, evidently encouraged by Alyssa’s smile, ‘I wouldn’t have been surprised though, that girl is obviously in love with you. I’ve seen her staring at you before in that predatory way of hers.’

Alyssa said nothing, staring at her mom in disbelief, her smile fading as, inevitably, the conversation turned to trashing Emma.

‘I suppose you’ve noticed it too,’ her mom said, sighing heavily, ‘and I’ve spoken to Mr Hawkins numerous times about it, but he said there is nothing he was willing to do about her. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more darling, but I would just make sure you’re never alone with her if you can help it, okay? Who knows what could happen.’

The anger that was suddenly boiling inside of Alyssa was making it hard for her to remain level-headed, every fibre of her being straining to let her defend Emma in some way.

She struggled against the urge, her brain holding steadfastly against the barrage of words and insults that wanted to force their way out towards her mother.

She wished, in that moment, that she was brave, or just brave enough to stand up to her mother, tell her what Emma really meant to her.

If she was braver, she would stand there and tell her mom just how much she wanted to be alone with Emma, and all of the things they would do if no one else was around, images of her dreams flashing through her mind before she could stop them.

But, she knew in the long run, having a short temper in a situation like this wouldn’t help her, and wouldn’t help her mom to understand what she’d come to realise about herself.

So, like always, she was a coward.

She held her tongue, quietly seething as her mom laughed at Emma as though she was the butt of the funniest joke she’d ever heard.

She swallowed her anger, swallowed the pointed words she wished she could throw at her mom, hitting her where she knew it would hurt the most, retreating back into herself and slipping her ‘perfect Alyssa’ mask firmly back into place.

She glanced down at her watch, noticing that it was getting late, the interrogation surrounding the flowers eating into the time that her mother would usually use to analyse the debate.

She faked a loud yawn, looking at the time again in a much more exaggerated fashion.

‘Mom,’ she began, drawing the other woman’s attention, ‘I know we usually stick around and talk through the competition, but uh, it’s getting kinda late and I was hoping to catch up on some assignments before school tomorrow so, would it be okay if we talked about it tomorrow instead?’

She held her breath as her mom looked her watch, her eyes widening as she noticed the time.

‘Of course, darling,’ she replied, ‘I’m showing a house until 6 tomorrow, but we can talk about it when I’m home?’

‘Sure,’ Alyssa replied, already gathering her belongings to take up to her room, the urge to get as far away from her mother and her homophobia growing stronger by the minute, ‘Goodnight mom.’

‘Goodnight honey,’ her mom called after her as she began to climb the stairs, taking them two at a time.

‘Oh, Alyssa,’ her mom added, causing her to pause on the top step, turning back to face her, ‘I’m so proud of you.’

A set of conflicting emotions rumbled in her chest at her mom’s words- affection, pride, anger, and disappointment all making an appearance before crashing together to form a great ball of confusion.

‘Thanks mom,’ she said quietly, shaking her head as she crossed the landing to her bedroom, trying not to think of how those words probably would have meant more if her mom hadn’t been insulting the one person she cared deeply about a few minutes earlier.

She dropped her bag onto the floor carelessly and collapsed onto her bed, pulling out her phone to find a string of texts from Emma.

A smile crept onto her face at the sight of the other girl’s contact name, a familiar warmth blooming in her chest as she opened the text thread.

_hey just got home! hope ur mom isnt being too much_

_guess ur still talking to her now, but lmk you got home okay???_

_lol not to like triple text you but i was wondering if you wanna come over tomorrow??_

_debate is cancelled and i was thinking maybe thats a good excuse to tell ur mom?_

_idk_

_oop now ive like quadruple textes you lol sorry_

_*texted_

_shit now its like quintuple texted_

_is that even what the 5 equivalent of that is?? idk words sorry xoxo_

_also like dont feel like u have to come lol, was just a suggestion??_

_we could talk or just hang or whatever_

_anyways lmk im gonna stop texting now_

_((but pls lmk u got home okay??))_

Alyssa shook her head fondly as she read, Emma’s characteristically messy texting style dissipating all the anger and frustration she was feeling towards her mom almost immediately.

Her heart leapt as she read the invite to Emma’s house, her fingers itching to type out a reply even before she’d finished reading the rest of the messages.

She still wasn’t completely sure where Emma stood on the whole hotel room ‘incident’, but the fact she was texting Alyssa and inviting her round seemed to be a good sign, or so Alyssa thought.

Even the idea of being alone with Emma again set her heart racing, but she tried not to think too much into it, deciding to wait and see what Emma said before she got too excited about the prospect of not being interrupted this time around.

She shot off a few texts to Emma, letting her know she was home safe, and accepting her invitation, a grin spreading over her face as the typing bubble popped up almost immediately.

_cool!!!!!_

_sorry for the million texts_

_meet me at my truck after school??_

_anyways im heading to sleep now so ill see u tomorrow_

_goodnight alyssa x_

Alyssa stared at the last message, her eyes tracing over the kiss again and again.

She’d never really sent or received a goodnight text before, her heart warming at the gesture.

She sent one back to Emma, including a heart emoji at the end before she could talk herself out of it, locking her phone and putting it on charge before getting up to begin to get ready for bed.

It was later than she usually slept, and she was exhausted from the competition, but something told her it would take her a little longer to fall asleep that night.

She hadn’t had something like this to look forward to for a long time.

* * *

Emma wrung her hands nervously, glancing around the parking lot as she watched the remaining students filter out of the school doors.

She checked her phone for what felt like the thousandth time, just in case Alyssa had texted her last minute to cancel.

She didn’t think she would, not after everything that had happened over the past few days, but she still wasn’t entirely sure on what was going on between them.

The almost kiss in the hotel room still felt kind of like a dream, some part of Emma’s brain refusing to believe that it had been real, and had actually been about to happen.

The whole thing was a blur, really. One minute her face had been buried in Alyssa’s hair, breathing her in as best she could, and the next Alyssa had been staring at her with such intensity, she felt like she might explode unless she kissed her right there and then.

She wasn’t even entirely sure who had done what. She was pretty certain that she’d seen Alyssa leaning in, but she had also felt herself being pulled towards the other girl, her eyes dropping to her lips almost subconsciously.

It was the closest she’d ever been to her, strong arms around her neck and deep brown eyes that seemed to pull her in, pleading for her to come impossibly closer in a way that she was powerless to ignore.

It seemed to her that Alyssa had, well, she had wanted to kiss her, which seemed kind of absurd to Emma.

Alyssa Greene, the most popular girl in school, liking girls was one miracle, but Alyssa Greene liking Emma seemed to be one miracle too far.

She didn’t understand it. Why would someone like Alyssa want anything to do with someone like Emma, let alone liking her in a romantic way?

Also, there was still the small matter of the girl in Alyssa’s dream.

Even if something did somehow happen between them, surely Alyssa would just drop her like a stone when the girl of her dreams came along?

Emma certainly didn’t want to be anyone’s ‘interim love interest’. Not that she’d ever been anyone’s ‘love interest’ in any way before.

She was drawn from her thoughts by the sound of footsteps behind her, turning to see Alyssa standing a few feet away from her truck.

‘Hey,’ she said, looking down at her feet, forgetting momentarily how hard she found it to look at the other girl.

‘Hey,’ Alyssa replied shyly, biting her lip in a way that made Emma’s cheeks flush when she glanced back up at her.

‘Shall we?’ she said, moving to open the passenger door of the truck so that Alyssa could climb inside.

‘Very chivalrous of you, Miss Nolan,’ Alyssa said teasingly, breaking the awkwardness between them as Emma rolled her eyes playfully.

She played up to the joke, bowing dramatically and offering her hand for Alyssa to take as she stepped up, Alyssa laughing at the gesture.

As their hands met, a warmth spread through Emma’s body and she found herself thinking back to their first meeting, Alyssa’s hand soft in hers as she worried that something weird would happen and give away her crush.

Maybe, a small voice in her head whispered, maybe it took the feeling to be mutual before she would feel anything at the contact, and she studied Alyssa’s face for a second, trying to decipher whether she could feel it too.

Alyssa smiled back at her, eyes shining and dimply carving its place firmly in her cheek, and Emma resisted the urge to kiss her right there and then in the school parking lot.

‘I-in you get, m’lady,’ she said instead, trying to mask the shaking of her voice as her heart began to race and her palm began to get sweaty in Alyssa’s.

Alyssa stared back at her for what felt like a beat too long before stepping up into the truck, Emma’s hand feeling cold as she let go.

The drive to Emma’s grandma’s house was fairly quiet, the radio playing soft tunes as they spoke intermittently about their classes that day and their upcoming assignments, Emma trying her best not to let the anxiety that was brewing in her stomach grow any bigger than it already was.

She knew she was being stupid, it was just Alyssa after all, and she’d been alone with her countless times before, but something about their whole dynamic felt _different_ now.

Her anxiety decreased a little as she pulled up to the house, spotting her gran through the kitchen window, no doubt baking something for her and Alyssa.

She’d been delighted when Emma had asked to bring a friend over, and Emma was slightly worried that she’d open the door to a whole four course meal that the older woman had prepared in her excitement.

Alyssa looked nervous as she hopped down from the passenger side, evidently also glimpsing Betsy through the kitchen window.

‘Does she know I’m coming?’ she asked cautiously, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she walked to meet Emma at the front door.

‘Yeah,’ Emma replied, ‘Don’t worry, she’s gonna love you!’

She swung open the door, motioning for Alyssa to take her shoes off as she called out to her gran to let her know she was home.

The older woman came bustling out of the kitchen, apron on and flour blending in with the grey of her hair, a kind smile on her face as she hugged Emma and went to greet Alyssa.

‘Hello dear,’ she said brightly, ruffling Emma’s hair affectionately and causing a cloud of flour to fall to the floor.

Emma pulled out of her grip, embarrassed, as she tried in vain to brush the remaining flour out of her hair, watching as her gran turned towards Alyssa.

‘And who do we have here?’ she asked kindly, Emma watching as Alyssa visibly relaxed at her matronly tone.

‘I’m Alyssa, m’am,’ Alyssa stated politely, holding out her hand, ‘Alyssa Greene.’

Emma watched as Betsy’s smile faded slightly, a different look entering her eyes as she looked Alyssa up and down.

‘Greene as in Veronica Greene?’ she asked calmly, Alyssa shifting nervously under her gaze.

‘Uh, yes ma’am,’ Alyssa replied timidly.

‘Hmm,’ her gran continued, a steel to her voice that Emma had never heard before, ‘and what exactly do you think you’re doing here?’

Alyssa glanced at Emma quickly before turning her attention back to Betsy, shifting nervously from foot to foot.

‘Gran, its okay I-‘

‘Let the girl speak, Emma,’ her gran cut in, Emma slamming her mouth shut at her pointed tone.

‘I, uh, E-Emma invited me?’ Alyssa said uncertainly, looking between Emma and her gran as though this was some kind of weird comedy routine they performed every time they had guests.

‘Not spying for your mother, are you?’ Betsy pushed, and Emma finally understood what was happening, as Alyssa continued to look more and more uncomfortable.

‘N-no,’ Alyssa replied, ‘I-I’m nothing like my mother. Emma’s my friend, I-I’ve been helping her with debate stuff, that’s all, I swear.’

Her gran looked between Emma and Alyssa, Emma stepping forward to vouch for the other girl, but her gran cut her off before she could.

‘Do you trust her, Emma?’

Emma looked from her gran to Alyssa, a soft smile crossing her lips as she momentarily got lost in those deep brown eyes.

‘Yeah,’ she replied, ‘Of course I do.’

At this, her gran fixed her with a stare, a knowing look crossing her face as she looked between the two girls once more. 

‘Okay then,’ her gran replied, her soft tone returning once more as she stepped forward and took Alyssa’s hand that was still extended between them.

Emma saw Alyssa tense for a second before relaxing, returning Betsy’s warm smile cautiously.

‘Sorry about that, dear,’ Betsy continued, ‘But Emma’s been through a lot these past few years, as I’m sure you’re aware, and I want to make sure that no one else is allowed to hurt her again.’

Emma felt her cheeks flush red as a genuine smile painted itself across Alyssa’s face.

‘I understand, Mrs Nolan,’ she replied, shaking her hand enthusiastically, ‘And I promise you that hurting Emma has never been my intention.’

‘Please, call me Betsy,’ her gran replied, retracting her hand and patting Alyssa on the arm lightly.

Emma took a moment to just observe, watching the two people who meant the most to her interacting for the first time.

She’d been worried, initially, if they would get on, but she was yet to meet someone who didn’t like Alyssa, so she had been quietly confident that the meeting would go well, which it seemed to be now that her gran had stopped being so overprotective.

She felt a sudden need for her gran to like Alyssa, to approve of her, even if nothing else ever happened between them, and she really hoped Alyssa liked her gran too.

‘Now then,’ Betsy said, drawing Emma out of her thoughts, ‘now that I’ve scared Alyssa here half to death, how would you girls like some cookies?’

She shuffled back in the direction of the kitchen, Emma making to follow closely behind her, when she noticed Alyssa still standing in the hallway.

‘Are you okay?’ she said softly, Alyssa turning to look at her with a small smile.

‘Yeah,’ she replied, ‘Well, I think your gran may have just given me emotional whiplash, but aside from that, I’m good.’

Emma laughed at this, gesturing for Alyssa to follow her into the kitchen, resisting the urge to reach out for her hand as they walked through the doorway side by side.

~

After what seemed like hours of long, but well meaning, questions from her gran directed towards Alyssa, and more cookies than either girl thought it was possible to eat in one sitting, they were finally able to escape upstairs to Emma’s room.

As she pushed open the door, Emma felt a spike of anxiety in her chest.

What if Alyssa didn’t like her room? What if she thought it was lame or embarrassing or something? Had she remembered to tidy it before she left for school?

She quickly pushed the thoughts down, walking over and perching on the edge of her bed as she watched Alyssa take in the room.

‘Uh, ta-da I guess,’ she said, making a half-hearted gesture with her hands as though to show the room off.

Alyssa smiled at her, walking over to her dresser and picking up a framed photo she had of her and her gran, her fingers lightly tracing the wooden frame.

‘Uh, I should probably apologise for how gran acted earlier,’ Emma began, looking down and picking at a loose thread on her comforter, ‘I uh- well, she’s never done that with anyone before- but then again I’ve never, uh, I’ve never really invited anyone round before so…’

She trailed off as Alyssa turned to look at her, her mouth going dry at the look of pure affection in her eyes.

‘It’s fine, Em,’ the other girl replied gently, ‘I get it, especially everything you’ve had to deal with and- well, given who my mom is.’

She winced slightly as she said this, placing the picture down careful and looking down at her shoes.

‘I- I can tell she really cares about you. You- you deserve someone who treats you like that.’

Emma smiled at this, a tingling blooming in her chest at the subtext that Alyssa thought that she was worth caring about.

Not for the first time she found herself wondering whether Alyssa cared about her as much as she cared about Alyssa.

She took a deep breath as Alyssa continued her exploration of her room, preparing herself for what she knew she had to ask next.

She cleared her throat, ‘Uh, ‘Lys?’

The other girl turned to her, a sudden nervous aura taking over her body as though she knew exactly what Emma was about to ask.

‘Do you, uh- do you want to- to talk? About um, about the other day I mean?’

There was a pause as Alyssa shifted nervously, Emma’s chest seemingly tightening with every second it took the other girl to answer.

She watched as Alyssa swallowed deeply.

‘Uh, yeah,’ she replied quietly, ‘We- we probably should.’

Emma watched as Alyssa crossed the room, coming to sit on the bed beside her, leaving a few feet of space between them.

Relief had washed over Emma when Alyssa had said yes, but it was immediately replaced by more nerves as she realised that now she actually needed to think of what she wanted to say, and how she could say it in a way that wouldn’t make her come across as a complete weirdo.

She opened and closed her mouth, looking for the right words, but Alyssa beat her to it.

‘Em,’ she said, her eyes seemingly staring straight through Emma’s eyes and into her soul, ‘Before we- before we talk properly, I need to tell you something.’

Anxiety brewed in Emma’s stomach as she tried desperately to control her racing heart, its rapid beats getting faster by the minute.

‘Y-yeah?’ she replied, her mouth dry and her voice shaking, unsure what Alyssa could possibly have to say before they spoke about what had happened in the hotel room.

Alyssa took a deep breath, flexing her hands nervously as she glanced around the room.

‘I, uh, I lied to you,’ she said shakily, ‘a-about my dream.’

Emma blinked, taking a second to process what Alyssa had just said.

She furrowed her brow in confusion. Alyssa lied? About what?

A sour taste crept into her mouth, the butterflies that were previously swimming in her stomach seeming to crystalise as she began to try and put everything together in her head.

If Alyssa said she’d lied about her dream, did that mean she’d lied about being gay? But what would be the point of that? To taunt Emma? To make fun of her? To finally get her to confess that she was in love with her?

Her head swum with all the awful and cruel possibilities as Alyssa bit her lip, seemingly psyching herself up to continue what she had to say.

‘What do you mean lied?’ Emma said, impressed by how level she was managing to keep her voice, ‘Did- did you lie about being gay?’

Alyssa’s eyes went wide at the accusation, her mouth going slack as she shook her head vigorously.

‘Oh god, no!’ she said frantically, ‘that’s not- I didn’t mean it like that at all. It-it _was_ a girl in my dream.’

Emma frowned, ‘Then what was the lie?’

‘That I didn’t know who she was.’

Alyssa bit her lip nervously, her eyes searching Emma’s face for something that Emma wasn’t sure of.

What was Alyssa trying to say?

‘Why- why would you lie about that?’ she asked softly, the cogs in her brain turning rapidly in an attempt to put all of the pieces together before Alyssa could tell her.

Alyssa shook her head, a shy smile spreading across her face.

She reached out for Emma’s hand, lacing their fingers together gently, Emma’s heart rate quickening at the contact.

‘Em,’ she replied, eyes drilling into Emma as though trying to convey some secret meaning between them, ‘I told you the person in my dream was blonde, right?’

Emma nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on Alyssa.

‘Well,’ Alyssa continued, ‘they also wore glasses.’

At this, everything slowly began to fall in place in Emma’s mind.

She reached up almost subconsciously to touch the frame of her glasses, and watched in astonishment as Alyssa nodded her head ever so slightly.

Did that mean that-

‘Emma,’ Alyssa said again, and Emma could feel her hand shaking in hers as she took another deep breath, ‘it was you.’

There was a beat of silence, the words hanging in the air between them as Emma’s mouth fell open in shock.

‘Me?’ she managed to force out after a second, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Alyssa nodded, a sheepish look on her face.

She bit her lip, the movement drawing Emma’s eyes downwards as a buzzing began to fill her ears, just as it had that day in the hotel room.

A humming in her chest joining the buzzing in her head, blocking the rest of the world out until all she could see was Alyssa, sitting closer than she had been before, looking at her with hungry eyes.

An unseen force seemed to push her forwards, Alyssa’s hand untangling itself from hers and travelling up her arm until it rested on the back of her neck, fingers stroking lightly at the hairs there as it propelled her closer still.

She saw Alyssa’s eyes dip to her lips a split second before she felt her eyes fluttering closed, the feeling of Alyssa’s breath mingling with hers pushing every single thought out of her head, as she felt herself succumb to the sheer magnetism of the force that was pulling them together.

The first press of Alyssa’s lips on hers caught her by surprise, her brain not quite believing that Alyssa was as close as she’d seemed, or half expecting a knock on the door to disrupt them again.

When nothing came, she felt herself surge forwards, meeting the pressure of Alyssa’s lips with a push of her own, kissing blindly for a moment until they found a rhythm.

Emma felt the air returning to her lungs as they kissed, the crushing of the hum in her chest subsiding as Alyssa’s lips moved against her own.

Alyssa tasted like her gran’s cookies and strawberry chapstick, her lips seemingly everything and nothing like Emma had imagined all at the same time, her head spinning as the hand in the back of her hair tightened.

She wasn’t sure how long they kissed for, it could’ve been hours, or days, or minutes for all she knew, time ceasing to exist from the moment their lips met until the moment they finally parted.

When they eventually did part, Emma found she couldn’t bring herself to go too far, resting her forehead against Alyssa’s as she tried to catch her breath.

Their noses brushed softly, jostling Emma’s glasses until they were sitting at a strange angle on her face. She felt a gentle hand reach up and remove them before coming up to cup her cheek, soft fingers stroking soothing patterns there as they both took a moment to just breathe.

Alyssa was the first to move, her hand dropping from Emma’s cheek as she sat back slowly, a dazed look on her face.

Emma thought she had never looked so beautiful, lips kiss swollen and cheeks tinted pink, an unruly curl hanging over one eye.

Before she could stop herself, Emma reached up, tucking it behind Alyssa’s ear as the other girl giggled lightly, Emma’s heart swelling at the sound.

‘So much for talking, huh,’ she said, her voice gravelly as Alyssa stared back at her with sparkling eyes.

Emma watched as she shook her head, laughing quietly to herself.

‘What?’ she asked, her voice light.

‘Nothing,’ Alyssa replied, a smile tugging at her lips as she bit her lip again, ‘I was just thinking about how that was so much better than it was in my dreams.’

Emma felt her cheeks turn bright red, a similar colour mirrored onto Alyssa’s cheeks as she chuckled gently.

‘I uh, I hope that was okay,’ Alyssa said quietly, the blush on her cheeks growing, ‘I didn’t even let you speak! For all I know, you could’ve been about to tell me that you didn’t like me or something.’

Emma smiled at this, shaking her head fondly. She reached for Alyssa’s hand, tangling their fingers together and bringing it up to place a light kiss across her knuckles.

‘Well,’ she said playfully, Alyssa giggling at the gesture, ‘while we’re on the subject of lying, I uh, might’ve maybe lied about that girl I had a crush on who transferred.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Alyssa asked, wiggling her eyebrows, ‘Am I gonna have to fight her for you?’

Emma blushed again at this, laughing nervously.

‘Maybe she never actually transferred,’ she said as Alyssa raised an eyebrow, ‘And uh, well, maybe she was actually, possibly you?’

A look of surprise crossed Alyssa’s face, ‘You’ve had a crush on me since we started high school?’

Emma looked down, embarrassed before taking a deep breath and looking up to meet Alyssa’s eyes.

‘Lys, I’ve had a crush on you since before I even knew I liked girls.’

Emma watched as Alyssa’s face broke into a wide grin, her dimple prominent in her cheek as her eyes sparkled.

‘Well then,’ Alyssa said, a newfound confidence seemingly growing in her as she grabbed Emma’s face with both hands, ‘Would I be able to kiss you again then? Because honestly, that’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past five minutes.’

Emma’s chest fluttered, her face growing red.

‘Please,’ she said hurriedly, nodding her head as Alyssa pulled her in gently, wiping the smile off her face swiftly as she connected their lips once more.

* * *

Alyssa rolled over towards her bedside table at the sound of her phone vibrating, placing her bookmark carefully in her book before reaching for the device.

She rolled up the sleeves of Emma’s hoodie that were currently bunched around her hands, enjoying the way the vanilla scent seemed to engulf her every time she moved.

She’d ‘stolen’ it from the back of Emma’s chair just before she’d left her gran’s house earlier, though she was pretty sure that Emma had let her take it, all while pretending that she didn’t see.

She’d endured a dinner with her mother where she’d had to make good on her promise and break down the whole debate competition, her food going from hot, to warm, to lukewarm as her mom fired question after question at her.

When she’d finally been allowed to escape upstairs, she’d taken them two at a time, immediately going to her closet and pulling out Emma’s hoodie from where she’d stuffed it right at the back, Emma’s scent surrounding her as soon as she put it on.

She took a minute to bask in it, images of her afternoon at Emma’s flashing through her mind, a smile immediately forming on her lips.

When she’d agreed to hang out with Emma, she hadn’t been expecting anything, a talk about the events of the hotel room but nothing more, and instead she’d left as Emma’s- well, she wasn’t exactly sure what they were yet.

She knew what she wanted to be, and what she wanted Emma to be to her, her heart beating out of her chest every time she even thought the word ‘girlfriend’, but she didn’t know if it was too soon to ask.

She’d never been in this situation before, and it wasn’t like she could ask her mom or any of her friends what to do.

She checked her phone, a text from Emma lighting up her screen.

_good talk today ;))_

_was wondering if ur free next weekend?? we could drive to south bend and get ice cream or something??_

_maybe…like a date??_

Alyssa stared at the screen, her chest buzzing at the thought of going on a real, actual date with Emma.

If she was being honest, there was nothing she wanted more in the world.

She watched as another text came through.

_or not !!!_

_yikes sending that text gave me the fear lol_

_anyways let me know either way !!_

_also just wanted to let u know that i had a great time ‘talking’ earlier and i would rly like to do it again sometime if thats something youd be interested in xoxox_

She chuckled, sending back a text to let Emma know that she would definitely love to go on a date with her, imagining the smile on the other girl’s face as she received the message.

She smiled to herself, thoughts of Emma’s stupidly adorable face swimming round in her mind, a face she’d seen every night in her dreams for god knows how long, and one she didn’t think she would get tired of seeing any time soon. 

She thought about how far they’d come since Emma joined the debate club, back when Alyssa thought that all she wanted from the other girl was friendship, internally cursing herself for taking so long to work out what it was she actually wanted.

At least, she thought, they had gotten there now, or were getting there, the prospect of next weekend’s date already sending butterflies flitting around in her stomach.

Her phone vibrated again.

_cool cool cool cool_

_sorry that was so not cool lol_

_talk about it tomorrow in the band closet??_

_srsly tho i had a great time today_

_goodnight lys I hope u sleep well xx_

Alyssa grinned, burrowing deeper into Emma’s hoodie as her fingers moved over the keypad, her chest warm and her cheeks hurting from smiling.

_Goodnight, Em! Sweet dreams and I’ll see you tomorrow xx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there we go!!! I rly rly hope you enjoyed! As I said, I have a 1-2k epilogue coming sometimes this week, which I hope you'll stick around for, but aside from that, thank you for coming on this wild ride with me!!
> 
> As always comments and kudos are greatly appreciated- I always love seeing what you guys think, especially now that its officially finished!! You can also find me vibing over on tumblr at nodressrehearsal or the-dyad-group if you fancy it, I'm always up for a chat about everyone's favourite lesbians or just my writing in general!! Also, if you haven't checked out my other works, give them a go if you've enjoyed this (lol what shameless self promotion)
> 
> Stay safe, and I'll be back later in the week with the epilogue!!


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals, me again with the quickest update of this fic I've ever managed. This is really it, its really the end, and honestly I'm missing these two already!
> 
> I hope though, that you enjoy this little epilogue! Its based off like one sentence in OneThingUniversal's fic 'Safe and Sound' (which y'all should definitely check out, and the rest of the Rosie fics too) after Sydnie decided that all of her Rosie fics occur in the same universe as this one.
> 
> Anyways, I didn't want to leave these two without writing something fluffy where they're not going through it TM so I hope you all enjoy this!!
> 
> ((TW for minor injury detail and brief mention of blood but its literally just a papercut, nothing drastic!!))

*Six months later*

‘Shit’

Emma swore softly under her breath, watching as half of her stack of notecards fell from her shaking hands onto the floor.

She fumbled with the rest, trying to save them from a similar fate, pain blooming in her finger from the inevitable papercut she’d just given herself.

‘You okay?’ came a voice from the bathroom, as Emma inspected her injury carefully.

‘Mmhm,’ Emma replied quickly, shoving the offending finger into her mouth before it could begin to bleed.

She lent over, picking up the cards from the floor, her debate notes scattered all over the hotel carpet in such a way that she knew it would be an ordeal to reorganise them into their correct order.

She tried to school her breathing, counting each card under her breath in an attempt to distract herself from the panic that had made itself at home in her chest from the minute she’d woken up.

She was being stupid, it was all fine.

She’d gotten more confident in her debating abilities since the Mrs Greene incident six months ago, and Mr Andrews had seemed pleased by her progress in afterschool practise, but she wasn’t at just any debate competition.

She was at the national debate finals.

She took a deep breath, trying to shut down the voice in her head that was telling her that she wasn’t good enough, that she was bound to fail, that she didn’t deserve to be there.

Which, to be honest, she shouldn’t really have been.

She had stayed as a reserve on the team since the regionals in Indianapolis, happily going along to support the team in the national heats and then semi-final tournaments, but also happily watching from the side-lines rather than being involved in the debates herself.

But then Jules had come down with the flu literally days before the finals, and Emma had suddenly found herself on the team for real, which in turn was how she had come to find herself sat in another budget hotel, shakily going through her debate notes as she prepared to debate competitively for the very first time.

At the national debate finals.

Everything was going to be fine.

‘What happened?’

Emma looked up at this, smiling despite herself as Alyssa stuck her head around the bathroom door.

‘Just a papercut,’ she replied, removing her finger from her mouth and holding it in the direction of the other girl.

‘One sec,’ came the response as Alyssa disappeared back into the bathroom, emerging a few seconds later clutching a first aid kit.

She walked over to where Emma was sat on the bed, sitting down beside her and gently pulling her hand into her lap to inspect the cut.

‘Of course you brought a first aid kit with you,’ she said with a smile, her chest warming at the feeling of Alyssa’s hand on hers.

Alyssa rolled her eyes.

‘Em, we’ve been dating for nearly six months, and you’re surprised that I brought a first aid kit on a school trip? I thought you’d know me better than that by now.’

Alyssa clutched her other hand to her chest in mock offense and Emma laughed, causing a smile to creep onto Alyssa’s face too.

‘Actually, on second thoughts, I take it back,’ she replied, ‘I momentarily forgot my girlfriend was a massive nerd.’

‘Do you want a band aid or not?’ Alyssa replied, her mouth forming into a pout that Emma immediately wanted to kiss off. 

She didn’t reply, thinking it best to keep her mouth shut as Alyssa sized up the cut on her finger, before rummaging through the first aid kit for an appropriately sized band aid.

She worked quickly, wrapping it gently round Emma’s finger with more care than Emma had ever seen someone take with a band aid on a superficial injury.

When she was finished, she lifted Emma’s hand upwards, placing a soft kiss on the band aid, followed by a light squeeze of Emma’s hand.

‘There we are,’ she said, ‘all better.’

Emma smiled at her, the kindness of the gesture bringing a light blush to her cheeks as Alyssa smiled back, her eyes soft.

It amazed Emma sometimes how, even six months into their relationship, something as small as a smile from Alyssa could send her blushing, the girl still having the same effect on her as the day she had bumped into her in the debate club classroom.

‘Thank you,’ she said quietly, and Alyssa looked back at her shyly.

‘What happened?’ the other girl asked after a beat, motioning to the pile of cards at Emma’s feet, ‘Attack of the notecards?’

‘Yeah,’ Emma said with a chuckle, bending to pick the remaining cards up, ‘something like that.’

The minute her fingers touched the cards, it was like all the anxiety that had dissipated the minute Alyssa had sat next to her came flooding back, her chest tightening and her shoulders stiffening, her hands beginning to shake again as she brought the cards back up to her lap.

Alyssa, evidently noticing the change in her body language, placed a soothing hand on her arm, using her other hand to gently prise the notecards out of Emma’s anxious grip.

‘Nervous about the competition?’ she asked, earning a withering look from Emma as she stated the obvious.

She shot back a reassuring smile.

‘I get it,’ she continued, ‘I remember how nervous I was for my first proper debate. But once you’re up there and they start the timer, I find that I forget all about the audience and the time and I just try and focus on the arguments.’

Emma nodded weakly, Alyssa’s words doing little to reassure her.

‘Plus,’ Alyssa added, ‘you get to sit next to me, and I promise, as debate captain, that I won’t make you say anything unless its completely necessary or you want to, okay?’

Emma relaxed slightly at this, the thought of Alyssa being close throughout the whole ordeal making it seem a little more manageable.

She wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Alyssa’s hand throughout, the soft warmth of the other girl’s palm always bringing her calm when she was feeling particularly anxious, but she knew that was out of the question, especially because Mrs Greene was going to be in attendance.

But as long as she was near Alyssa, could see her, could feel her warmth beside her and smell the faint lavender smell that seemed to follow her everywhere, she knew everything would be okay.

‘You’ll be fine,’ Alyssa said, a mischievous look in her eyes, ‘You’ve had the best teacher, after all!’

Emma shook her head, chuckling lightly as she leaned in closer to Alyssa.

‘Mmhm, of course,’ she replied, her heart skipping a beat as she saw Alyssa’s eyes drop to her lips, ‘If only there was some way I could show her how thankful I was.’

Alyssa closed the gap between them before Emma could say anything else, her hand coming up to cup Emma’s cheek as their lips moved softly together.

Emma sighed into the kiss, all of her nerves melting away again as she got lost in the feeling of Alyssa’s lips on hers, the feeling still as enchanting and all consuming as the first time they had kissed.

Alyssa pulled back slightly and Emma chased her lips, bringing her hand up to the back of Alyssa’s neck as she deepened the kiss, feeling Alyssa smile against her mouth.

She felt herself break out into a smile too, pulling back to see a similar grin mirrored on her girlfriend’s face.

Her fingers toyed with the curls at the base of Alyssa’s neck, travelling down slightly until they hit what felt like a string around Alyssa’s neck.

She leant back, pulling the string a little so she could get a better look at it.

‘What’s this?’ she asked.

‘Oh,’ Alyssa said, her hand going protectively to the string as her cheeks flushed pink, ‘Its uh…’

She trailed off, choosing instead to pull the rest of the string out from under her shirt, cradling the object that was attached gently in the palm of her hand.

Emma leant forward to get a better look, the key to the band closet that she had had cut all those months ago glinting in Alyssa’s palm.

‘Is that…’ she began, her eyebrows furrowing, ‘I’ve never seen you wearing that before?’

‘Uh, yeah,’ Alyssa said, slipping the key back under her shirt as she looked up at Emma shyly, ‘I uh, I was clearing out my bag the other day, and in the process I took it out of the pocket its always in just so it didn’t get lost. And then, well, it- it got me thinking about what you said when you gave it to me.’

Emma frowned, wracking her brains to try and remember what she said.

‘Something dumb about keeping calm close to your heart or something, right?’ she asked, trying not to be embarrassed by how blatantly gay the action had been.

‘Uh, yeah,’ replied Alyssa, ‘you- you said that. But you also told me about your gran and your key- I’m not sure if you remember? About how your way home is always close to your heart?’

Emma smiled at this, remembering fondly how her gran’s words had soothed her at what had been possibly the worst time in her life.

She nodded, still not completely sure where Alyssa was going with her point.

‘Well,’ Alyssa said, taking a deep breath, ‘I just- I was thinking- um, what I’m trying to say is-is, well, I think you’re my home, Emma Nolan. And- and well I know I can almost always find you in the band closet so, well, its kind of the key to my way home now, I guess.’

Emma stared at her for a moment, not quite sure she’d heard Alyssa right, the word ‘home’ echoing around her in head again and again.

‘I-,’ she began, unsure of how she could even begin to respond.

‘What-what I think I’m trying to say,’ Alyssa continued, her voice shaking slightly, ‘Is, I- I love you.’

The minute the words hit Emma’s ears, it was like time stood still, everything freezing in place before her mouth had time to drop open in disbelief.

It wasn’t like it was a complete shock to her. The same words had been bouncing round in her head ever since she’d first asked Alyssa to be her girlfriend, but she’d always figured that she would be the first to say them, the first one to take the leap into the world of big, confusing, adult feelings.

She stared at Alyssa, her cheeks rosy and her mouth drawn into and uncertain smile, and she realised that she’d never felt anything so strongly for anyone else in her whole life.

Not even the hatred she’d felt for her parents, or the sadness she’d felt after they threw her out, or even the love and care she felt towards her gran, was stronger than how she felt about Alyssa Greene.

‘You-you do?’ she replied, her voice a whisper as Alyssa’s blush grew deeper.

‘I do,’ Alyssa responded, her voice more sure this time, her eyes sparkling with determination, ‘I love you, Emma.’

There was a beat where Emma just stared at her, her brain trying to process the words quickly enough so that she could produce a response.

‘And please don’t feel like you have to say it back,’ Alyssa continued, ‘I don’t know if its too soon or whatever but I-‘

‘Lys,’ Emma cut in, her pulse drumming in her ears, ‘I love you too.’

She wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly they were both leaning forwards again, lips crashing together in a kiss that felt so different to any they had shared before.

Emma leaned in closer, trying to pour just how much she felt for Alyssa into one kiss, her tongue sliding past Alyssa’s lips in a way that made her gasp.

Alyssa kissed her back equally as deeply, her lips moving in such a way that her voice seemed to be projected straight into Emma’s brain, ‘I love you’ being repeated over and over again until it didn’t seem like words to Emma anymore.

Eventually, they both pulled apart, breathing heavily, just in time for a knock to sound at the door.

A weird sense of déjà vu ran through Emma’s body as she tried to catch her breath, Alyssa managing a strangled ‘mmhm’ as she pushed her hair back from her face.

‘Team meeting in the lobby in 15,’ came Mr Andrews voice, before receding footsteps sounded down the corridor.

Alyssa took a deep breath in, Emma watching as that confident look she always seemed to have in her eyes during competitions began to slide into place, her cheeks still flushed and her lips swollen.

She placed one last chaste kiss to Emma’s lips before standing from the bed and heading back towards the bathroom.

‘I should probably fix this before we go down,’ she said with a smile, gesturing towards her hair, usually neat curls hanging untamed over her face.

‘You probably should,’ replied Emma with a wink, getting up and tucking her notecards into her pocket as she began to pull on her shoes.

A few minutes later, Alyssa emerged back out of the bathroom, hair tied up in a half up and half down style that made Emma’s chest flutter.

‘You look beautiful,’ she said before she could stop herself, earning a blush and a giggle from Alyssa as she made to grab her bag.

‘Th-thanks,’ Alyssa replied, flustered as she too pulled on her shoes, ‘I should uh, I should probably go down and see if Mr Andrews needs a hand with anything before the meeting, if that’s cool with you?’

‘Duty calls,’ Emma said, smiling back at her as she walked forward and wrapped Alyssa in a quick hug before she could leave, burying her neck in her shoulder and breathing her in for the last time in a few hours.

‘I’ll see you down there,’ she added, watching as Alyssa checked herself one last time in the mirror before heading for the door.

Just as she reached for the handle, Emma called out again.

‘Oh, Lys,’

The other girl turned, a smile on her face.

‘Yeah?’ she replied.

‘I love you.’

Alyssa’s face split into a wide grin, her eyes shining and her cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink.

‘I love you too, Em.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that!! I really hope you enjoyed, not just this chapter, but the whole fic in general. Its been a pleasure writing it and I wanna say thank you for every comment and kudos I've received throughout the whole process!!
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are always appreciated. We can all go down to the comments and cry together about how its ending lol. You can also find me over at nodressrehearsal or the-dyad-group on tumblr if you fancy!
> 
> I told myself that after I finished this I'd have a lil break from writing, but we'll see how long that lasts, especially bc Sydnie is trying to force me to write another Rosie fic ASAP. Anyways, I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later!
> 
> Stay safe pals!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys so much for reading, and i hope you enjoyed!! comments and kudos are always appreciated, and i'd love to know what you guys think of this concept and the chapter in general!!
> 
> also, as you might have noticed from some of the glaring errors that are probably present in my other fics, i'm not from the US and so therefore know very little about high school and more importantly debate club (why did i choose to write about this???), so i'm just going to apologise in advance for any like, inconsistencies or anything unrealistic when i actually start writing some of the debate stuff. if anyone would like to educate me on it, pls lmk in the comments or you can find me on tumblr at nodressrehearsal!!
> 
> stay safe guys!


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